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Forum
-> Interesting Discussions
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amother
Forestgreen
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 Tue, Nov 01 2016, 2:46 pm
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If you are in therapy (or saw a therapist at any time in your life), how do you know if your therapist is good and is actually helping you? What kind of techniques is your therapist using that is effective? If you don't feel its working, then does the therapist use a different technique or help you understand what/why they are using a specific technique and how it is helpful? Do you go to therapy and feel worse than beforehand or stuck in a rut with no way out? If so how do you deal with it? And if you do feel better and do feel like its helping then what do you think is the reason why its working? TIA
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amother
Bisque
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 2:55 pm
| amother wrote: | | If you are in therapy, how do you know if your therapist is good and is actually helping you? What kind of techniques is your therapist using that is effective? If you don't feel its working, then does the therapist use a different technique or help you understand what/why they are using a specific technique and how it is helpful? Do you go to therapy and feel worse than beforehand or stuck in a rut with no way out? If so how do you deal with it? And if you do feel better and do feel like its helping then what do you think is the reason why its working? TIA | There wont be one straight forward answer to this OP. In terms of techniques, each person seeking therapy will be going for different reasons and therefor the therapy and techniques will be different. If the therapy is not working, I would presume that you would discuss with the therapist and change some things or look for a different therapist.
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amother
Forestgreen
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 3:08 pm
| amother wrote: | | There wont be one straight forward answer to this OP. In terms of techniques, each person seeking therapy will be going for different reasons and therefor the therapy and techniques will be different. If the therapy is not working, I would presume that you would discuss with the therapist and change some things or look for a different therapist. |
Thank you. I am not looking for one straight forward answer, just want to hear what your experiences were and why you thought the therapist was good or bad. Feel free to post examples of what the therapist did/said that either worked or didn't work for you and why.
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amother
Vermilion
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 3:35 pm
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Are you "researching" for an article or paper or something? So not right...
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amother
Forestgreen
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 3:50 pm
| amother wrote: | | Are you "researching" for an article or paper or something? So not right... |
No, I am not researching for an article. I am not in school and I am not a writer. Is it wrong to ask about good/bad therapists on imamother?
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amother
Mint
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 3:56 pm
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Are you asking because you are in therapy?
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amother
Vermilion
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 3:56 pm
| amother wrote: | | No, I am not researching for an article. I am not in school and I am not a writer. Is it wrong to ask about good/bad therapists on imamother? |
The way you phrased your question implied research of some type. Better to ask "how do I know my therapist is good? Here is what happened..."
Be personal. Don't generalize.
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amother
Bisque
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 4:02 pm
| amother wrote: | The way you phrased your question implied research of some type. Better to ask "how do I know my therapist is good? Here is what happened..."
Be personal. Don't generalize. | Im the first amother that actually answered. It never even crossed my mind that the OP was asking for any other reason other than for her own knowledge. 
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amother
Forestgreen
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 4:05 pm
| amother wrote: | | Are you asking because you are in therapy? |
I am asking because I had a therapist tell me to not speak up for myself and to not advocate for myself but to just let people walk all over me as that is the only way to survive in the world. I felt like it was horrible advice and instead of empowering me and helping me learn how to stand up for myself, she just dismissed and invalidated me. So I want to know if anyone else had bad experiences in therapy and how they dealt with it. Or if anyone had a good therapist and how they were able to tell that the therapist was good. I didnt realize that these kinds of questions are not allowed on Imamother so I guess I will find a different site to get my answer.
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amother
Mint
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 4:13 pm
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That sounds really weird for a therapist to say. I have been to 7 therapists and even though I didn't like them all noone gave me bad advice...
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amother
Mint
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 4:32 pm
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What makes therapy good? For me it was someone who was flexible. When I told them I didn't like something they said or a topic discussed etc... they respected that. They respected me. They didn't shy away from my questions. As for effectiveness, looking back I think every therapist did things that were not only unhelpful but counterproductive. At the time it felt wrong but I didn't know who was wrong me or them. And yes at those times I felt a lot worse. My advice. Listen to your gut.
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amother
Rose
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 4:39 pm
Please stay, op, you did nothing wrong! Some people here are overly twitchy about people asking questions when it's not clear they're pertinent to themselves because we had a bad experience with a well-known poster claiming to be a mental health professional.
In any event, I once left a therapist because she kept dismissing my concerns and giving me rote advice I already knew (and had already tried to no avail, which is why I ended up seeking outside help). I switched to someone who figured out in 2 sessions what the problem was and started working on it in a professional capacity. I'm still there, but there's been improvement because we know what we're dealing with.
Are you seeing a real therapist, or did someone in the community recommend one of these "askan" people who aren't really therapists but play that role? Sounds like a red flag to me, and I dont think a trained therapist, even a crummy one, would say something like that.
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debsey
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 6:02 pm
| amother wrote: | | I am asking because I had a therapist tell me to not speak up for myself and to not advocate for myself but to just let people walk all over me as that is the only way to survive in the world. I felt like it was horrible advice and instead of empowering me and helping me learn how to stand up for myself, she just dismissed and invalidated me. So I want to know if anyone else had bad experiences in therapy and how they dealt with it. Or if anyone had a good therapist and how they were able to tell that the therapist was good. I didnt realize that these kinds of questions are not allowed on Imamother so I guess I will find a different site to get my answer. |
In general, therapists don't give advice. What she gave you sounds like a behavioral prescription. Can you tell us more about your presenting problem? What brought you into therapy? What are the goals you have for yourself?
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amother
Periwinkle
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 6:26 pm
| amother wrote: | | I am asking because I had a therapist tell me to not speak up for myself and to not advocate for myself but to just let people walk all over me as that is the only way to survive in the world. I felt like it was horrible advice and instead of empowering me and helping me learn how to stand up for myself, she just dismissed and invalidated me. So I want to know if anyone else had bad experiences in therapy and how they dealt with it. Or if anyone had a good therapist and how they were able to tell that the therapist was good. I didnt realize that these kinds of questions are not allowed on Imamother so I guess I will find a different site to get my answer. |
(I don't know anything about you, so please don't take this personally.)
Do you actually need empowerment support, or maybe social skills and
tolerance training?
It's not a question I'm expecting you to answer, but I wonder what the context of her advice was. Not everyone knows what they need when they land in therapy.
My therapist believes in the power of the process of the therepeutic relationship itself. The things that play out in the room between us, and the things I focus (obsess?) on during that hour provide the raw material to gain insight into my life and choices.
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amother
Floralwhite
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 6:29 pm
Ok here goes:
-She's genuinely caring
-She listens and remember the details. from session to session
-she never tells me what to do but gets me to come to conclusions
- she sets healthy boundaries so I don't get hurt
-she respects me as a person even when I mess up
- she doesn't get frustrated when I don't follow through on goals that we set up
-she helps me see my strengths and discover my abilities
- she helps me go out of my comfort zone and stick up for myself and value myself
- she doesn't force her agenda on me, she follows my leaf but she also has direction if I have nothing specific to discuss
These are a few that I thougot of. I'm sure that there are many more.
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amother
Copper
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 8:42 pm
I had been abused so I went to a therapist to do trauma work and work on establishing healthy relationships with me as well. She said her speciality was EMDR and hypnosis for trauma as well as helping people with their relationships as well. She didn't want to do the emdr or hypnosis on me and decided to work on other things first. Every time I came she would try to force me to take my shoes and coat off and leave them in the waiting room together with the rest of my belongings. I kept saying no, I wasn't comfortable doing that but she insisted. We argued about it for a few sessions as I also kept trying to get her to do the emdr and hypnosis. She then did emdr once and hypnosis once to string me along but overall, she just kept trying to force me to leave my personal belongings in the waiting room. I kept feeling worse and worse so I left after a few weeks.
I asked her for my records after I left but she refused to give them to me (which I later learned that it was unethical but I guess that was part of her "technique"). Instead, she wrote a letter saying that I was emotionally disturbed because I grew up Orthodox and Orthodox Jews are not educated, don't watch tv, and don't know how to act or dress appropriately. To prove her point, she wrote that I didn't follow the norm since I refused to remove my shoes and coat and leave them in the waiting room together with the rest of my belongings.
Her "techniques" (I later learned that it was an attempt to do a behavioral technique which was completely inappropriate and abusive) plus the letter traumatized me and caused me so much harm that I became depressed and suicidal. I had no idea that there were bad therapists out there and thought it was all my fault. I also didn't know that what she did was abusive and unethical and that I could have filed a complaint against her the social work licensing board.
Anyway, it's been a few years since then and I've seen a better therapist who was able to help me get out of the dark place that the first "therapists" took me to. I am not fully healed yet and still have a long way to go to overcome the trauma I went through. But for some unknown reason, I recently decided to Google the first therapists name and found very negative reviews about her from other clients. That was very validating to read as it helped me know that what happened was not my fault and I did nothing wrong to be treated so badly by someone who is supposedly helping people.
So op, be careful about these therapists. Some of them are mentally ill and should not be allowed to have a license to "help" anyone. Some of them are incompetent and abusive who just try to control you instead of helping you. Having a degree or license does not give anyone the right to abuse people or try to control clients. If something doesn't feel right, if you feel dismissed and invalidated, if the therapist tries to control your actions, or tells you what you need help with instead of letting you decide why you are in therapy, etc then run for your life.
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amother
Plum
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 8:58 pm
How do I know if my therapist is ''good''? if I look forward to our sessions. If I feel better after sessions than before sessions. If the experience feels GOOD.
Curious if this therapist is receiving money from you? or is it a state-sponsored insurance?
or is it an ''askan''.
Based on what you wrote about your therapist, I'm so so sorry you've had such an experience. She's a BAD therapist. Run for your life. And get some therapy to recover from this relationship.
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amother
Khaki
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 10:24 pm
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Just want to point out that therapy may bring up a lot of negative feelings, and the experience doesn't always feel good. But you can determine if it is beneficial if you are being empowered with tools to handle those feelings, if your therapist offers support to get through them, and if the cumulative effect of the sessions has been helping you to make positive changes in your life.
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imasinger
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 10:46 pm
OP, I don't think your therapist is a good fit.
IME, a good therapist makes me think by asking questions, but does not give me answers very often.
A good therapist doesn't assume that s/he knows what is best, but rather, offers alternatives, and alternative ways to see things.
In general, a day or two after a session, I can tell whether I feel like I'm on track in a productive way, or whether something feels off.
It's a good idea to trust your instincts.
Not every complaint has to be voiced in every moment, but allowing yourself to be a doormat is not good at all.
Try reading "The Dance of Anger", by Harriet Lerner, to get a better sense of how to be effectively assertive.
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amother
Copper
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Tue, Nov 01 2016, 11:16 pm
| amother wrote: | | Just want to point out that therapy may bring up a lot of negative feelings, and the experience doesn't always feel good. |
I think that this is the most difficult aspect of trying to figure out if a therapist is competent and actually helping you instead of hurting you. That is especially if you were constantly gaslighted and told that you are crazy, etc. It's hard to trust yourself after that abuse which makes you more vulnerable to abusive therapists. So sadly an abused person who comes to therapy for help can become a victim to abuse by the therapist because they weren't able to trust themselves enough to figure out they were being abused by the therapist and thought they were experiencing the negative feelings that comes up in therapy instead of realizing they were being abused by the therapist.
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