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-> Parenting our children
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amother
Lilac
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 Mon, Apr 03 2017, 9:21 am
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My kids spend time with their friends at school- how important is it that they also have playdates? I personally don't see the need and would therefore prefer not to feel guilty about not making it happen...any psychological or developmental reasons that children need it?
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amother
Fuchsia
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Mon, Apr 03 2017, 9:23 am
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Playdates do provide opportunities that play in school or at home with siblings do not provide. That said, for kids who are doing well socially, they probably can do just fine without playdates anyway. I would be more concerned about constantly saying no to a child who requests playdates. If that's not an issue then you can leave things as they are.
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amother
Lilac
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Mon, Apr 03 2017, 9:42 am
| amother wrote: | | Playdates do provide opportunities that play in school or at home with siblings do not provide. That said, for kids who are doing well socially, they probably can do just fine without playdates anyway. I would be more concerned about constantly saying no to a child who requests playdates. If that's not an issue then you can leave things as they are. |
ooh I like that!
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amother
Dodgerblue
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Mon, Apr 03 2017, 10:06 am
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Absolutely! Maybe not every day but maybe Subdays when they don't have school. How will they learn social skills, how to defend themselves, how to accept a no. You don't want them to hang onto you apron strings when they are married- it's not fair to their spouses.
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OOTforlife
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Mon, Apr 03 2017, 10:11 am
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For me, it depends on a bunch of things, including how old the child is, whether they want play dates, whether they are happy with their social situation at school, and whether most of the other kids in their class are having play dates.
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oliveoil
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Mon, Apr 03 2017, 10:37 am
| amother wrote: | | Absolutely! Maybe not every day but maybe Subdays when they don't have school. How will they learn social skills, how to defend themselves, how to accept a no. You don't want them to hang onto you apron strings when they are married- it's not fair to their spouses. |
April fools?
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amother
Periwinkle
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Mon, Apr 03 2017, 9:49 pm
| amother wrote: | | My kids spend time with their friends at school- how important is it that they also have playdates? I personally don't see the need and would therefore prefer not to feel guilty about not making it happen...any psychological or developmental reasons that children need it? |
I find playdates are highly overrated.
(If the child is an only or has no siblings close in age, that would change things)
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amother
Amber
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Mon, Apr 03 2017, 10:46 pm
Depends on the child. One of my children has social issues, so play dates are really important for him. They enable us to work one on one with him and teach him important skills. He's come a long way through these play dates!
I find that they are not as important for a typically developing child
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Tzutzie
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Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:01 pm
Yes. Very important. For me! 
My kid is bh doing fine socially. But at home, she loves "figuring" stuff out amd "exploring" stuff she shouldn't. She doesn't play much with toys herself but with company she'll play nicely for hours.
So I have neighbor over and my sisters kids over.
I agree that unless the child is just struggling socially (re friends) or has social issues (comunication, cues, sharing) then playdates are overrated.
Or if mommy needs a break - then they are not overrated at all 
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amother
Crimson
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Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:18 pm
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Aside from detesting the term "playdate" which is oh so yuppiepuppy--why can't we just say kids are going to a friend's house to play, why give it that over planned, over scheduled Filofax aura --my kids never had them and managed to grow up exceptionally well socialized anyway. Which isnt to say that going to friend's'houses isn't a wonderful thing--it is--but it's not the be all and end all. There are other social opportunities such as youth groups, summer camp, the occasional birthday party or Shabbos sleepover and they all do their part.
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amother
Lilac
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 7:29 am
Thanks for all the input.
Now how to decline the invites....
;-)
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MitzadSheini
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 7:36 am
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How to decline the invites? That's interesting, because I saw you as a person who had kids who were not getting invited and you felt you didn't have time/energy to invite and this was a 'please ease my guilty feeling' thread. But it seems something is is going on. Why would you want to decline an invite?
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amother
Lilac
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 7:48 am
| MitzadSheini wrote: | | How to decline the invites? That's interesting, because I saw you as a person who had kids who were not getting invited and you felt you didn't have time/energy to invite and this was a 'please ease my guilty feeling' thread. But it seems something is is going on. Why would you want to decline an invite? |
My kids will ask to invite a friend only once in a while. When others invite however, it seems to oblige us to reciprocate which is what prompted my question in the first place. I find it challenging to entertain other children especially if it's not really necessary. I would happily decline the invites for this reason...
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MitzadSheini
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:02 am
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Oh I see. Something to consider- when kids come to play with my kids it is actually easier for me a lot of the time because my kids behave better and are less needy because they are happy and not bored. I'm not saying that you have to invite if you don't want to, but perhaps consider accepting the invites because you might very well be doing yourself, your host AND the kids a favour, and it might be ok to NOT reciprocate, so it's win-win-win. And I would also say it is a little unusual to always refuse play dates.
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amother
Wine
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:11 am
we are a major play date family and the neighborhood we live in play dates are very popular- probably starting at 4-5.
play dates are a lifesaver for me.
my kids always play soooo much nicer with their friends, and are so much busier.
we do playdates every shabbos and sundays depending on what we are doing.
also the key to a good playdate? make it an age appropriate amount of time.
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gp2.0
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:29 am
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Why deny your kids something that costs you nothing and brings them so much joy?
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gp2.0
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:30 am
| amother wrote: | | My kids will ask to invite a friend only once in a while. When others invite however, it seems to oblige us to reciprocate which is what prompted my question in the first place. I find it challenging to entertain other children especially if it's not really necessary. I would happily decline the invites for this reason... |
Why do you need to entertain the children? Children entertain themselves...
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amother
Lilac
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:32 am
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So why do my kids get more wild and unsettled when they have friends over?! (this is part of why I prefer to minimize it as much as possible) Sounds like it's the opposite for others!
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amother
Lilac
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:33 am
| gp2.0 wrote: | | Why do you need to entertain the children? Children entertain themselves... |
No I definitely feel that I need to help them come up with things to do and games to play. Maybe we don't have enough toys? Maybe 2 hours is too long for a playdate?
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Tzutzie
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Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:53 am
| amother wrote: | | No I definitely feel that I need to help them come up with things to do and games to play. Maybe we don't have enough toys? Maybe 2 hours is too long for a playdate? |
It depends on your child and the child your having over.
I started having kids over before my dd turned 3!
One boy when we had him over, they both ended up WILD and throwing toys. Amtoher boy they would play nicely for 45 mjnutes then start fighting over a toy. So we planned it for maximum 35-40 minutes.
My niece was very katty and wpuld instigate dd and pinch amd scratch her so she couldn't come.
Another boy was lovely and they would play together.
One neighbor would let her 3 yo alone outside and she'd run in the street and do stuff that is a big nono in our house. I did not want my kid to think its ok to do those those things so I wouldn't want my kid to go to their house. Her mother won't let her kid come to mine because we have internet access (clearly thats the reason - from previous comments). So perfect.
With my nephew - my sister would send her 8 yo to play with them. Killed 5 birds in on shot. She LOVED it and both kids did. And both mothers had a break...
At the same time, for me, I dont accept much "playdate" offers.
I find my kid is happier on her own turf and sharing her stuff than in someone elses house when they are possessive over their toys. So I do let her go to other people's housets occasionally. She can learn to deal with that too. But not often.
It took time to figure this out.
The trick is to yes have play dates and to figure out how long is not too long. And who they get along with. And what keeps them happily playing together nicely.
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