DD4 touches herself when she's upset.

amother

Chartreuse

Sat, May 13 2017, 11:42 pm

I've noticed oftentimes when I put her to bed her hands will automatically go there, and she will sometimes even thrust and make grunting noises. I never say anything to her, and I'm assuming it just feels good to her and IYH she will grow out of it soon.

However, my DH told me recently that he's noticed that any time he says no to her, or if he reprimands her for something she's doing, her hands will also go right there as almost a pacifier or security blanket. My DH is not an angry person; he doesn't yell, just gets stern. So it's not as though she's afraid of him or anything.

This in and of itself bothers me, but even more than that is the fact that my DH is a recovering s-x addict, and his issues were 100% caused by escaping his terrible early teen years and his parents' overprotection, so he used his acting out as a way to feel in control of something. Definitely his pacifier and security blanket as well.

I hope I'm not reading too much into my DD's behaviors but I do know that addiction is hereditary and I worry that even if this may be normal for her age, just based on her father's issues that we may need to do something about it.

amother

Oak

Sun, May 14 2017, 10:01 am

Is it possible she's seen him touch himself and so it's a learned behavior for her?

Not that it matters much in the scheme of things. Self touching is helping her soothe. Seems it's the only workable option for her at this time.

FranticFrummie

Sun, May 14 2017, 12:01 pm

This is totally normal. When DD was that age, I gently told her that it was "private", and that she needed to go in her room and close the door.

I never told her it was wrong, or even talked specifically about "what exactly it was" that she was doing. She was very innocent, and just knew that touching there made her calm down. The privacy issue - without shame - was the most important thing.

If her personality or behavior changes in a sudden or upsetting way, then you should be worried. If she's otherwise being her usual self, then there's nothing to be concerned about.

Kids don't always get everything their own way, and when they are little thy come up with coping strategies. As she grows up and is able to talk about her feelings more, she will eventually find other ways to express being upset. (Like slamming doors and yelling "I hate you, you are a terrible mother!" when you won't buy her the latest toy or technology.)

amother

Lemon

Sun, May 14 2017, 5:33 pm

FF said it really well.

Whatever you do, do NOT allow her to feel shame over this. Be super careful through the years that s-x does not become something of shame. Try to be very open and matter-of-fact from now and through the years about her body and its workings. Keeping body facts hidden will increase shame as she finds out / grows up, plus, it will attract her more to it once she finds out.

Do not stress out that maybe she will take after your husband in this area. Still, you can be a good Mom. If you think she has trouble expressing herself, you can help her to develop herself and to find creative outlets - such as music, art, sports, reading etc. Teach her over the years skills to deal with her feelings and to express them. With time, teach her to speak what she needs... If you can't, get someone who can. But, please, do not stress out about this, because it won't help.

amother

Cerise

Sun, May 14 2017, 7:06 pm

I started that too when I was very young. It just felt calming. I have vivid memories of doing it on the couch, etc. My mother must have told me it was private and I stopped (in public at least) but she definitely didn't make it into an issue.