stop blaming your mom!!!!!!! VENT

amother

Natural

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 7:46 pm

I am not going into details, but the imamother jury have more than once pronounced what I experienced growing up as abusive. And I know that I have, despite huge efforts on my part, not completely broken the cycle of abuse.

I also recognize that everything they did to me I deserved on a certain level. Otherwise it would not have happened.

I am a much happier and more functional person this way than when I was stuck in the blame game. And I hope my kids will do the same. For their benefit, yes. But if I am honest with myself, also got mine.

thunderstorm

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 8:38 pm

I never blamed my mother while I was growing up because I cut her slack, knowing that she was struggling and trying to do her best. BUT, once I became a mother myself, I only then realized the amount of neglect and lack of love I experienced . I see what a mother is capable of and it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I need to just keep finding excuses for her. Like a different amother mentioned , my love tank as a child was practically running on empty. So every scenario involving my mother triggers negative reactions or lots of pain. I give lots of credit to those people that have overcome and moved passed the pain. For me it's an ongoing battle and I try my best . But I just feel a slight twinge in my heart every time I talk to or see my mother . It's something I can not explain, but as much as I try to push that away, I can't. I do not BLAME my mother but I still ACHE and HURT and I wish that would go away.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 9:45 pm

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

I feel the same way. I'd love to hear from others who have been through similar how to overcome this...

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:20 pm

amother wrote:

My parents messed up big time and I've though about this and discussed this with my sibling an awful lot. We came to the conclusion that there are two types of mistakes parents make. 1) The regular human slip ups that are inevitable here and there. 2) When the whole parenting is on the wrong track. Everything follows the same distorted line of thinking. It's no. 2 that messes up kids and is much harder to forgive. Also, if you deposit a lot of love into your child's emotional bank account, then when you make a withdrawal (acting out of anger or strong discipline) there will still be something there. But if there's no love being deposited, the account is in the red. I agree that blaming doesn't help practically, but anyone who has suffered from a "negative balance" in their "account" cannot be judged.

Well said.

Also I think there is a fine line between blaming your parent (or anyone for that matter) and being hung up on those feelings - and coming to the conclusion of how your parent went wrong, feeling the pain but moving forward.

Zehava

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:46 pm

amother wrote:

You were abused
You decided blaming yourself for it makes you happy.
And because you can't help abusing your kids you want them to blame themselves too.
And you want us all to do the same.

amother

Jade

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:48 pm

I would stop blaming her if she would behave herself now! I understand it's not easy raising children but once those children are all raised and grown up, don't you think it's time to stop telling them which outfit to wear, when their DH's should be saying a dvar Torah, if they're disciplining their kids right (in front of said kids), and whether or not they should be taking a vacation?

I didn't realize how messed up my childhood was all along. It was only once I was married and I thought I'd have a life for myself now, make decisions with my new husband, but she wasn't letting me - that's when I realized how this is not a new thing and that all my life I was controlled and criticized. That's when the anger came out.

amother

Natural

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 12:27 am

Babypink thank you.

Other than that I'm pretty sad about how this whole thread turned out.

Oh well that's the internet I guess.

All you people who are so mad at their parents, what are you going to do when all of your children are equally mad at you.

Zehava in particular your post was so hurtful and so just plain wrong. Because I have done whole lot better than my parents did, and I can see that they in turn did a whole lot better than theirs. No one is talking about blaming, only forgiving.

amother

Natural

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 12:52 am

amother wrote:

Shame on you OP for your onas dvarim.

Forgiving your mother because she "deserves it" is not what it is about at all. You forgive her because it hurts YOU to.hold on to blame.

And this last line - is that what you say to your mother as well? Onas devarim??? Well I am very sorry just you were hurt by my words. Extremely sorry.

Ladies who think your mothers were so terrible, know that in general the apple does not fall far from the tree. Be careful, because although you all think that you are the most dedicated amazing parent, your children may reach a different conclusion.

Or not. I don't know you, it's true.
Gnight Y'all.

amother

Linen

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 1:39 am

amother wrote:

To the contrary, women who grew up abused and acknowledge the abuse they went through are usually in intense therapy and work their tails off to be the best mother they can. Its women who bury their hurt deep deep deep down under many layers of pain and anger that perpetuate the abuse.

Iymnok

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 2:23 am

I understand that my mother was lacking in important areas while she was raising me.
Those lacks caused me a lot of pain that I didn't know about as I grew into adulthood.
I only recognized them for what they were and what they caused me at about 26, when I was married with kids. I came to the realization in therapy. I couldn't talk to them for six months or so.
I have now accepted the. For who they are, and I now love them, even their lacks in interpersonal traits and emotional support.
It feels so good to love imperfect people who have done so much for me.
I actively ignore what they haven't done for me due to ignorance or lack of tools.

I still think the OP is out of place. Parent-child relationships are complex and no two are the same.
And I think that it's very wrong to berate such a large group of people based on your singular biased view.
There is abuse, in many forms, and behavior that is similar, but not quite as extreme, but plenty painful. Don't even pour salt on little wounds.

amother

Seagreen

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 3:02 am

Have not read replies yet, but first thing that occurred to me about those who blame their moms (or anyone in life, for that matter) is this:
When children experience being blamed, there is an instinctive response/reaction to blame the one who is doing the blaming . In other words, to blame back.
In much the same way as if someone were to push you, your instinct would be to push back.
In many people the push-back instinct has become "killed off". It's tragic when that happens. When one has lost an inner capacity to "fight back", that's a sorry state of affairs in terms of the health and well-being of the one who's lost his/her "fight"
Which brings me to say that if someone is still in blame mode, I say that's a sign of health. To some degree, at least.
I think that for someone to move away from the blame stance he/she would need a more viable option to lean into. Giving up the blame game cold turkey can leave a festering wound inside. Blaming at least allows for externalization of inner pain.
Me thinks it's a useful coping mechanism, at least til a more satisfying one is discovered.

amother

Seagreen

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 3:11 am

amother wrote:

Are you suggesting that a child would do well to say, "I deserved the unkind treatment" ? For the child to take the blame, rather than to blame the parent?
I guess that's one way to play the blame game. Why's your version of the blame game more preferable to the version others play? In either version someone is being blamed. I thought you were opposed to the blame game. Yes? No?

LovesHashem

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 4:01 am

amother wrote:

Your post may be good for you and others, but you can't generalize abusive relashioships. Different strokes for different folks, what happens when your mother beat you? Or threw you? Or ignored you your entire life? Or told you you aren't worth living?

Did you mom never love you? Or you way in the negative? Did you struggle with a mental illness through this? Did you have siblings that raped you? Sexualized you? Beat you? And weren't stopped by your parents? Did your mom ever try to kill you? Did she chase you around with a knife, with a horrible look in eye, and you were actually terrified about dying in her hands? Did you have siblings that tried to kill you?

I can name SO many more scenarios I know of first hand, or second hand (me or someone I know). Even if your mom or siblings had a mental illness, you still feel pain.

To this day I struggle with so many things. Like feeling like I deserve to exist, I have a hatred towards special needs kids, (that's another story, and explanation I prefer not to say), I have anxiety, I have relashionship issues, I felt I had no one to talk to or hold onto, like was scary and no one was helping me, I was all alone, I was scared of my parents, I hated myself, I wanted to kill myself...

Sure, Hashem wanted me to go through all of this, and I know it has granted me to be such a stronger person....

But it's hard to let go of the pain, when they are still hurting you, treating you like trash, not respecting you, making you feel like you deserve to die.

I personally went through so much, that I was able to stop the cycle. I promised I would be nothing like my parents and did a hell lot of inner work to get to where I am. My kids could not imagine the abuse I suffered, and I have quite a few friends who broke the cycle like me. Just cuz you are struggling with it, and I'm sorry for that, doesn't mean we all are.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 6:15 am

amother wrote:

I don't blame my mom in the sense that I let myself get away with bad behaviors just because she gave me an awful childhood, but it is hard to not feel resentful that everything in life, and I mean everything, is such a struggle, just because I'm missing a secure base.

OP you probably have no clue what I'm talking about. Consider yourself blessed for that.

I feel like that with my father, who has passed away 2 years ago. Growing up in a severely abusive, dysfunctional place affects me today.
All the time. I have no healthy frame of reference.

I recognized at a very young age (I am the youngest) that my fathers behavior was just WRONG on so many levels. It was so clear to me. And I married (was only 19) the opposite of my father. He loves me unconditionally and my fathers love was always conditional. My father never forgave me for marrying someone he didn't choose; I chose him, which was a big no-no.

Since my fathers death I have been more depressed and sad and unhappy. I'm functioning but I can't get out of my funk for any length of time. I don't know why. When I go to his kever, I cry tears of 'why did u hate me, daddy???? I didn't choose to be brought on this earth?' My mothers kever is right near his and when I go there, I cry tears of sadness for her, she was such a victim in her abusive marriage. She could do no right. She was very passive and ended up developing severe mental and emotional issues due to my fathers domineering and controlling ways. She loved all her kids the same and unconditionally. But she could also do no right when she was married to my father. When she showed affection to me when I was a child she had to stop when my father entered the room. Only me. My mother got really sick with a mental breakdown after I was born and my father blamed me. So my whole life he either hated, resented, tolerated, loved me (conditionally). And I suffer b/c of him every day.

amother

White

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 11:02 am

amother wrote:

I've made it my life's mission to not repeat my parents' mistakes. They were excellent role models --- for what not to do. And no, I don't either get hung up on doing exactly the opposite of them, because I acknowledge that while some needs are universal, my childrens' needs are not identical to mine, or what my needs were growing up.

My goal for them is not to love me, nor to have a good relationship with me, though I suspect that sort of comes along with what I want for them, and that is for them to be emotionally healthy, stable adults.

I'm sure I make mistakes. All the time. I hope they are of a different brand than my parents' mistakes. I always apologize. And strategize for next time.

If they will want therapy when they grow up, I will pay for it. And they will set the tone for what kind of relationship they want, if at all, and I pledge to respect that.

Zehava

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 12:15 pm

Op I know people like you irl, people who are so afraid of their children blaming them one day, that they'd rather excuse their parents abuse, or worse blame themselves for it in the hopes that their children will do the same. That is some messed up attitude never mind inaffective. The cycle has got to stop somewhere. Sometime someone has to say enough. I choose myself to be that someone so my children won't have to. So they can have normal lives. If as you say they blame me one day, I will listen, validate, and try to make it up to them. However unlike you I don't live in mortal fear of that happening. My focus is for them to grow up to be emotionally healthy. I don't really think about what they will say to me when they are adults. It is so beside the point.
Like I said I know people like you irl so I don't expect you to understand a word I'm saying. This post is for everyone else here that you are trying to scare and manipulate with senseless threats.