Sharing a child's mental health diagnosis with family

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Oct 04 2017, 5:41 pm

Not sure this is the right forum but here goes...

9 year old DD has recently been diagnosed with a mental health issue. I'm struggling with how much to share with her siblings. I want to respect her privacy (although I actually haven't asked her opinion yet, I'm pretty sure she won't care what I share but she's a kid...is she really old enough to make a decision about this kind of thing?) I also think her siblings "deserve" (not the right word but can't think of a better one) to know a little bit of what's going on because a) they worry about her (for good reason) and b) they are impacted by her condition (ie she has religious scrupolosity and holds up the entire family as she washes her hands for hamotzi several times or massive anxiety that necessitates the entire family leaving an event early)...

And then there's my own friends/family that I'd like to perhaps tell (2-4 people). I actually think DD would NOT be happy about me sharing it with people aside from her siblings but then I really limit the advice and support that I badly need...

I'm wondering what people in similar situations have done (or people who aren't in similar situations but have an opinion anyhow Wink

)

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Oct 05 2017, 3:29 pm

I have had many issues since I was little - mental health issues like OCD and anxiety, neuro issues like ADHD, and physical health problems. From the age of 7 when I started being diagnosed with various things, I already had strong opinions about who could/should know what about it in the family = both close family and distant relatives. Don't assume your daughter has no opinion just because she's 9. If you told people and she didn't want them to know, she would be very, very angry - it's a real betrayal of trust

I also have mixed feelings on this one, coming from a family where several close and distant relatives have a variety of mental health issues. I didn't want peple to know about my issues. But, as a child when other relatives had issues which were affecting my life, but my parents refused to tell me what they were, it was very, very difficult. Your other kids must know something is going on (even if they don't show it), and so your approach with them and more distant relatives may need to be different. But don't do anything without your daughter's consent, even if you have to work with her to get her consent.

I think that anyone who is negatively impacted on a regular basis by your daughter's problems (e.g., your other kids) should be told something, but don't tell them against your daughter's wishes. Sit with your daughter and explain to her why it's important, and help her understand why it's necessary to tell them. Then tell them. What exactly you tell them is trickier, depending on the age of the kids and a variety of other factors (how likely they are to understand, how well they can keep a secret, if it will help them or burden them etc.). I strongly suggest you ask your daughter's psychologist/psychiatrist how to explain it to your other kids.

As for other relatives, I wouldn't tell them unless your daughter explicitly wnats them to know. If she doesn't care, I would keep it a secret, because she might care when she is a teen or adult. But if she feels that she wants them to know, because then it's easier for her (e.g., so she doesn't feel like she has to hide something from them, or so she can feel like she can talk openly, or so there are no awkward situations because thye don't know that she has a real problem, etc.), then please tell them.

The most important thing is that the way she feels about whether her problem has a stigma is very dependent on how you present it. If you act like it's a big secret, she will feel ashamed and think it''s something that needs to be hidden. If you act matter of fact about it, she will be more likely to be comfortable with the fact that she has a problem and having people know won't be embarrassing.

As for you telling friends or relatives for your own benefit, I think that is a no-no. While it does impact your life and you do need to be able to talk about it, telling people who are part of your daughter's life about her problems is not fair to her. Ask your ddaughter how she feels about it - she may feel comfortable with yo utellign a specific friend or relative, but not others, she may say that yo ucan tell anyone you want, and she may ask you not to tell anyone. You need to respect her opinon - she is old enough now to have it respected, and even if you don't think so now, these people will know for the rest of her life - as a teen and as an adult. Interestingly OCD is one of the mental health problems that people are most embarrassed about, and I can tell you from experience just how horrific it is to have someone see you do something and know you are doing it because you have OCD (something that wouldn't be obvious if they didn't know). If you are desperate to get help and vent and other things, which you do absolutely need, I recommend seeing a therapist yourself, even if just for a short time. Alternatively, if you are really, really desperate and a therapist is not an option, consider telling a friend who lives far away and has no contact with your daughter, that way at least the ramifications for you daughter are less - but this also isn't ideal, because you never know what kind of contact they'll have in the future.

Good luck!

amother

Saddlebrown

Sat, Oct 07 2017, 9:04 pm

I agree that the other kids should be told something without any labels. I would focus on whatever symptoms they notice and the fact that she is getting help, as wrll as an understanding that it is difficult for them and their sibling. If any are old enough or knowledgeable enough to ask, "Is it ?", you answer honestly, in a way that emphasizes that it is not uncommon amd is treatable.

Do not tell relatives. Yes, there is a stigma. You may want to get rid of it, but it's a fact, and it can and will affect your child. It can affect school acceptances, job prospects, etc, for years after it comes under control. If she decides to tell later, ok, it's on her, but she's not old enough to decide now. My dd told when she started high school because she decided she was confident and wanted to break the stigma. Five years later, she wishes she hadn't, because she is still judged, long after the issues were a problem. She wishes she could reveal on her own terms.

This will be lonely for you. Look for support from online, live or phone support groups. Ask her therapist for resources. If you must get support from a family member, stick with symptoms, not labels.

amother

Royalblue

Sat, Oct 07 2017, 10:27 pm

Thank you all for your responses.

My children (who this would come up with) are in their teens and have been worried about DD for a while. DD will likely be taking medication and she's 9. I anticipate having to remind her as well as the medication not being hidden. So presumably they will know she's taking something and will perhaps read the label. I am not going to be hiding it and/or telling DD to do so (unless she wants to which I don't think will be the case). I don't think DD has anything to be ashamed of and at this point, neither does she. I am wary of making it into a shameful thing for her by suggesting it should be a secret (from her siblings).

There are 2-3 people that I have discussed DD's issues with for the past little while (as in "is this normal?" "How should I approach this?" "What should my next step be?" ). Perhaps had I known in the beginning (but I didn't and there's no way I could have) that it would be so serious I wouldn't have but at this point, what do I say? It all resolved itself on its own? I hate lying but it sounds like everyone is saying I reallllllly shouldn't breathe a word about this to anyone.

This is so dispiriting Sad

Would love to hear from more people who have dealt with this (as the sibling, parent, or actual child with a mental health diagnoses).

Thanks again