Do I Have A Heart of Stone?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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thunderstorm

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 3:26 pm

DS age 12 just walked into the door from school , asking for Totty. I said that he is not home yet from work , what's the matter?
His school bus just passed a deer that is laying on the side of the main road near my street and it seems to be sick and struggling, what am I going to do about it.
I told him I don't plan on doing anything and I don't think Totty will do anything either .
He then sighs and says to me "You know, you are the only person that I know that doesn't care about animals. It's sick and it needs help. "
I told him that deer are often injured and become road kill and really there is nothing I could do anyway.
He is very upset at me for "not caring" and for not loving animals the way he does.
For some reason, this comment jabbed me straight in the heart. I never thought of myself as someone that doesn't care. But my DS's comments are bothering me and it's making me sad.
He told me that every car slowed down to check to see what's wrong , and his bus driver said he'll call for "help", but I couldn't be bothered to walk a few blocks to "save" the deer or get it help.
Why do I feel so hurt by him considering me insensitive? If Chas vshalom a person was sitting on the side of the road in distress I'd get help immediately. But sorry , not for a deer.

ra_mom

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 3:36 pm

I wouldn't be able to help such a large animal either.
I would try to call animal control or a humane society of 311.
Same way I'd call 311 or 911 in another situation that I wouldn't be able to deal with on my own.

https://www.gotwildlifepro.com.....y-ny/

https://www.google.com/search?.....79870

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 4:18 pm

I wouldn't touch an animal that's hurt I would call animal control.

simba

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 4:26 pm

Oh. Kids love to stir that guilt. You are not heartless. Your kid is a kid. I'd call 311 and report it. I wouldn't go anywhere.

tweek

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 4:38 pm

I would call the proper number to report.

This reminds me of the time my daughter found a dead bird near my car. She was convinced that I had killed it! Boy was she mad!

happyone

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 4:41 pm

Easy enough to let the police know. They would call the appropriate service or help take the deer out of its misery.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 5:11 pm

You could also call the local police or sheriff's department, and report a road hazard.

OP, explain to your ds that you don't know how to fix sick deer, but that the driver made a call to someone who would check on the deer.

It's not that you don't care, it's just that there was nothing you could do for it. Even if you dashed out of your house with a first aid kit - yeah, better leave that to animal control.

thunderstorm

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 5:19 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

So my DH and I did all that explaining to him and he is just mad at me. Anyway, DH said he was driving there and didn't see anything , so maybe it was taken care of.
Ive had other animal situations and the police were not helpful at all besides one time when a very sick raccoon was blocking my walkway and walking erratically . It was a danger to the kids that needed to walk passed it to go to school etc. so when I mentioned the concern of the kids safety the police can either then and just took out his gun and shot the raccoon point blank.
The deer is not in the way of kids so they wouldn't even bother coming unfortunately. Not around here.

Amarante

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 5:25 pm

I would probably have called the police or animal control and explained that this is how a person humanely handles hurt animals since you don't have the ability to do anything other than ensure that the animal receives appropriate help.

Did he have an expectation that you would actually go there and attempt to medicate the animal? That is unrealistic.

However your response that you intended to do nothing does seem to be a bit cold.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 5:26 pm

Quote:

a very sick raccoon was blocking my walkway and walking erratically

Um, that's a sure sign of rabies! You did right by keeping the kids away.

I was at a summer camp one year, and there was a sick squirrel who was staggering around, and showing no fear of humans. I had to keep all the little kids from trying to pet it, while the adults called animal control to come get the squirrel. I never found out if it was actually rabid or not, but I wasn't taking any chances.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 5:27 pm

I think your son was responding to your lack of empathetic response.

He probably would have felt better if you verbalized empathy to the animal, empathy to your son for having witnessed something traumatic that feels overwhelming to him (and yes, road kill IS traumatic for children), and gently explained the available options while expressing remorse for not being able to do more for the animal.

seeker

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 5:42 pm

So these things make me think, and now that it's come up here I went and googled it, and I still don't know who'd I'd call for something like this when this is my city's answer:
https://www1.nyc.gov/nyc-resou.....nimal

@ all you "call animal control" and "call 311" people Sad

I looked up the Catskills too because that's another area I frequent where something like this might come up, and didn't find much help there, either. I guess you can just hope that some local animal hospital is interested in helping random callers with no hope of getting paid? The way they might have done in, say, a Boxcar Children book 60 years ago?

Maybe I should start a spinoff. What would YOU do? Do you have a number to call about animals in distress?

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 6:31 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Oh deer (pun intentional). I don't think you have a heart of stone; I think your priorities are different than your son's. Wait til he has a home to take care of with its infinite responsibilities....

Of course you care, but because you're not in a position to actually DO something (you're juggling a dozen other tasks at the moment, are you not?), he interprets your inaction as not caring. I wonder if you had responded to him in a sensitive and caring manner, if that would have given him the experience of ''care'' that he was looking for. Sometimes, our children just want to know that we care, even if we don't act on the care. They want us to care about THEIR experience, not necessarily to care about the dear in question. Now I'm all foncused: whose the dear in question: dear him or dear you or deer out there? How about we care about all three?

So whereas he may seem to be upset at you for ''not caring" and not loving animals the way he does, perhaps he'd be satisfied to hear from you that you care about HIS care and love for animals.

Coffee Addict

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 6:33 pm

amother wrote:

Yup. I was going to post this.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 6:39 pm

amother wrote:

This 100%.

I happen to love animals BUT I wouldn't have run out to save the deer either. First, I'm not a vet and have no clue how to help the animal and second, who knows what a wounded wild animal will do - I'd be scared to approach.

But I would express my sadness about one of Hashem's creatures being hurt and suffering and even if I didn't like animals or feel much about it I'd like to think I'd read my child's need for me to validate his feelings and give that to him.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 6:43 pm

Wen my kids tell me things like u wrote here such as "u are so mean" or "u dont care..", I tell them (and myself) aloud that of course im not mean as I spend almost all my money on u kids and share everything with u. Ex, I dont eat all the food myself but make sure theres enough for u kids etc...or im there to take care of u wen u are sick....

I know that im really selfless in always being there for them as I hardly have time for myself.

1 also know that they dont really mean it but are upset at that moment. Do u really think ur son believes u are not caring?? Even if my children insist im not caring, I tell them that they are too young to really understand/appreciate/acknowledge how caring I really am.

Your son felt bad for the deer and was upset u didnt take action as he wanted to help the deer but its not rational. When he is much older and more mature, he will certainly realize his request is not rational as its not within ur realm to do this.

thunderstorm

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 7:05 pm

Thanks all for the responses. I guess you are right that maybe I didn't show enough empathy and if so, I know where it's coming from. We have animals . Every time I turn around it's something new. Right now we have chickens and bunnies. And very often one of them is sick, wounded or needs special care. My entire family gets involved in the healing and care of he animals to the point that they are brought into my house until they are cured. This aggravates me and I often feel the animals are taken care of better than I am sometimes and it bothers me very much. I guess I subconsciously put up a wall or something not to get all emotional about the deer because I feel like the animals are literally taking over my life and sometimes my house.
My DH found a newborn deer while cutting the grass and was going to take care of it and raise it in our yard ... thank goodness the mother deer appeared ...it's too much. So when I heard about this I just felt like enough is enough. I was just imagining my boys shlepping this poor sick thing to my property and being busy with it night and day.
So I guess I did harden my heart and I was wrong for not empathizing with my DS.
Please note this child plans on being a vetenarian one day and he doesn't understand why it bothers me to have a houseload of animals that smell and take up my living space. My rule is that they need to live outdoors but then as soon as it gets cold... forget it... it's hachnasas orchim time for all the animals and Mommy is mean if she complains about it.
But thanks for bringing it to my attention. It's something I will need to work on.

Seas

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 7:15 pm

Tell your son you're not apathetic to the deer's plight, it's just you love raccoons more and you want them to have an easy meal.

Later explain to him that decisions must be made with logic not emotion.

Iymnok

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 5:24 am

Thunderstorm, you need a barn!

amother

Lavender

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 6:28 am

Thunderstorm, I just want to commend you on your ability to reflect in yourself and your actions, take stock, and be honest with yourself. This is really impressive parenting.

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