Sheva Brachot question

dankbar

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 12:05 am

Theres nothing wrong with music by sheva brochos, its seen plenty, depends how much you want to spend on music if you want only a one man band or full band.
You can dress as fancy as you want if you are the one hosting the sheva brachos. No need to tell guests what to wear.
For non Jewish you can just say you are hosting a party for the newly wed couple & want them to join.
If most of your guest list can't be invited to wedding, what about inviting them only for reception or dessert instead of dinner for wedding

amother

Natural

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 12:12 am

I just want to say that in the non Jewish/ non Orthodox world it's much less expected to invite everyone and their next door neighbor's dentist to a wedding. I think they'll be very understanding of partaking in the festivities in another way and you don't need to worry about then being offended about the lack of wedding invitation.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 12:16 am

unihockey wrote:

Thank you, all of those are helpful suggestions!

1. invitation - if we don't say anything except "sheva brachot," how would nonJewish etc. colleagues know what that is? I guess they could ask me, and maybe I could write up an email explaining and send that to those who ask... You're probably right that "groom's side reception" might sound passive-aggressive instead of descriptive?

2. food - I personally am fine with meat, and like it - but my DH is a vegetarian so I think that is what is going to happen. I hope it's not true that "most people don't like vegetarian" because we often host with vegetarian (not always, sometimes DH just eats the sides) - it's a balance. Would you suggest that I try to overrule my DH? I don't want to do that.

3. I would like the idea of including some of FDIL's friends, but will they shlep out to our town for the sheva brachot? I will ask her for a list of people who might.

4. I take seriously the warnings about not wanting to get off on the wrong foot. It's hard for me because of course I don't want to offend, but at the same time I'm worried about offending all of our family friends by not inviting them to the wedding!! It's a balancing act, definitely.

5. music/etc. - I can be convinced to not have music if people think it would be offensive. I would like to wear fancy clothes.

If he’s an ethical vegetarian he should absolutely not be pressured into serving food he’s not comfortable with.

Serve filling food - and people will not leave hungry.

33055

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 12:19 am

unihockey wrote:

1. If you need to explain, say it is a reception to celebrate the new couple's marriage.

2 I love vegetarian food, but most people aren't satisfied with it. You could do dairy. Or you could go ethnic like Indian food.

I also value peace. But it is a strange party that will have dress up clothes and be vegetarian. I think people will talk about that fact in not a nice way.

Are the couple vegetarians also?

5. It seems fancy clothes are priority to you. I don't see why you can't wear fancy clothes at whatever Sheva Brachots you have.

chanchy123

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 4:26 am

unihockey wrote:

Thank you, all of those are helpful suggestions!

2. food - I personally am fine with meat, and like it - but my DH is a vegetarian so I think that is what is going to happen. I hope it's not true that "most people don't like vegetarian" because we often host with vegetarian (not always, sometimes DH just eats the sides) - it's a balance. Would you suggest that I try to overrule my DH? I don't want to do that.

Why don't you do an upscale dairy meal?

Raisin

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 7:26 am

If you live in a different city at some distance from the Kallah's family, I think this is fine to do. (and quite common) You should certainly invite the kallahs parents and siblings etc and a few of her friends would be nice too.

BTW I think it is very admirable that your in laws are trying to make a smaller wedding. And it is very nice of you to accomodate them. You sound like a fantastic future mil.

I think an upscale dairy meal can be very nice. Is your husband ok with fish? Certainly with fish it is fine. People will enjoy having nice dairy desserts after all the meat meals at the wedding and other sheva brochos. You could also do it a sunday brunch or lunch event when people won't be expecting meat. (But I have been to many vegetarian or pescatarian evening weddings)

Do the chassan and kallah want dancing? Personally I don't love loud music and dancing so I would prefer not to have that.

amother

Pewter

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 8:03 am

unihockey wrote:

2. food - I personally am fine with meat, and like it - but my DH is a vegetarian so I think that is what is going to happen. I hope it's not true that "most people don't like vegetarian" because we often host with vegetarian (not always, sometimes DH just eats the sides) - it's a balance. Would you suggest that I try to overrule my DH? I don't want to do that.

I don't understand why you can't have both vegetarian and meat options?

The wedding (I'm sure) will have meat and he just won't eat that part. Why is this different?

unihockey

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 8:25 am

Thank you guys so much!!

Yes, sorry, I meant milchig not vegan. Upscale dairy exactly. Lol and thank you re my fancy clothes Smile

The bride doesn't love dancing and I will give it up, not worth fighting over, but I thought music was still nice for a simcha.

Thank you for saying I sound like a good future mil that makes me feel both better and motivated to keep it that way!! I did get fdil a nice present for engagement (earrings that she loved).

I like the suggestions of what to say to colleagues.

What to say to frum shul friends though? Whose kids' simchas I attended...this is what I'm worried about being offensive not inviting them.

33055

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 8:31 am

unihockey wrote:

Thank you guys so much!!

Yes, sorry, I meant milchig not vegan. Upscale dairy exactly. Lol and thank you re my fancy clothes Smile

Tell them that's what the other side wants and you are looking forward to seeing them at the Sheva Broucha. Milchags will be a wonderful break. You may to let them know it's a milchag event on the invitation.

You could have nice music playing in the background like a violinist or harpsichord.

amother

Crimson

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 8:46 am

yes I've seen this done
anyone who has made a chasuna knows how it goes -- it takes two sides to plan the event.
as many said I would tread very lightly so no one picks up on any negativity (even if "justified")
least of all your DIL and her family
the steps one takes now in what can be a sensitive time of wedding planning reverberate in the future
swallow hard and smile
it will pay off for you
I would make a lovely event for those you couldn't invite to the wedding, and DIL, DS, and DILs family
I would tell everyone the chasuna is going to be a small intimate event - which can be due to any variety of factors which do not require an explanation ( even sometimes DIL and DS some kids really want and even need a small event ) and we so hope you can join us for the sheva brachot/reception. If you truly must say something you can say we had hoped to be able to make a big wedding but its not going to work.
Wear what you want and set the tone you want on any invitation.
Focus on whats important, the new couple, and your ongoing relationship with DIL DS and DILs family.
IY"H you will be sharing many simchas together.

Amalia

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 2:06 pm

Dear unihockey,

Mazal Tov! Mazal Tov!

I see that Raisin already mentioned that, but I will say it again, just in case: for the sake of everything holy and for the sake of your son’s happiness, as well as for the sake of your own future relationship with your future daughter-in-law and her family, INVITE YOUR MECHUTANIM TO THIS SHEVA BRACHOT, PERSONALLY AND NICELY!

Also, I would like to mention: in your OP, you wrote that your Mechutanim are being “bozos,” and insist that a “small” wedding is in their “taste” - your wording. As a person who is intensely introverted and easily overwhelmed by crowds, especially of strangers, I would like to respectfully ask you: did you consider that they might be telling the truth, and that they really honestly prefer a small, intimate wedding, instead of the affair on the scale that you envisaged?

Of course I don’t know your in-laws, and what their preferences and tastes and reasons/motivations are in reality, but I think it’s important to consider different possibilities for their behavior rather than them being “difficult” and “bozos.” Which brings me to the last point I’d like to make: if you think of them as such, even if you don’t say it to them or to your son or your future-in-law, they will all surely pick up on what you really think and feel about them, and it will affect your relationship with them forever - and not in a good way.

Last edited by Amalia on Sun, Jun 30 2019, 3:20 pm; edited 4 times in total

amother

Coral

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 3:13 pm

unihockey wrote:

My son is engaged! Smile

The mechatanim are being ... difficult even though we're paying for half of everything. They want a wedding so small that it will leave out almost all of our side, I.e. only our family fits with no friends at all, and not even all the family.

So. If we host a sheva brachot, has anyone heard of doing it so it's as nice, or almost as nice, as if we were doing a wedding reception the way we would want to do it? I don't mean "nice" as in $$$, but nice as in yummy food, music/simcha-dancing, speeches, fancy clothes, in a shul hall, etc.

Please share any BTDT, particularly if you have a good way to say (politely) to our side people, "these other folks made it impossible for us to include you but you're part of our simcha so please come and dress up to this instead".

Thank you Smile

I think instead u should pay for your extra family and friends to come to the wedding! I think otherwise you’ll have a lot of insulted people!

amother

Crimson

Sun, Jun 30 2019, 4:44 pm

once you have accepted this reality, as disappointing for you as it may be, and as challenging as it may be, make the most of it and be as gracious and warm as possible -- your reaction is what will be remembered for years to come by your son, DIL, and her family
Is this your first wedding?
I would prioritize my adult child and his or her future happiness over anyone else (friends, extended family, colleagues etc)
as for your DIL not wanting dancing, great for you that even though you wanted it you respected her wishes
you can model how you want your son, children, DIL etc to handle "conflict" and prioritize what is truly important
these are very delicate relationships and all the more so in the beginning
your relationship with your son also changes as he weds his wife and prioritizes her
and she has a relationship with her family
one never wants to put ones' newly married child in the middle
even when the wedding is not as one wants it and even when one finds the mechutanim challenging
Mazel tov! Much nachas and may they build a binyan adei ad.
hatzlocha