The best of parenting

behappy2

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 11:40 am

I would love to start a thread where everyone can write their best advice, the one thing that stands out that's been working really well for them, a really good tip, the one thing they loved in a parenting book, any and all ideas welcome from all sides of the parenting spectrum!

FranticFrummie

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 11:44 am

Before your first child, you will read every book ever written, and be sure you know what style of parent you are going to be.

Your baby will have other ideas. If you want to stay sane, be flexible and consider "child led" parenting.

As soon as you figure out how to parent that child best, your next child will be completely different, and test you in different ways.

Your next child will be a mix of the two, and you'll never know what to do half the time, but the other half of the time you'll get it right.

If you parent with lots of love and affection, have few boundaries but make them very firm, and be willing to give in once in a rare while - you pretty much have it made.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. A happy and rested woman makes the best kind of mom.

#BestBubby

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 11:52 am

Establish a relationship where your children are comfortable sharing their problems/fears with you.

This is especially important to stop s*xual abuse, but also for other problems.

How to establish?

Make scheduled 1:1 time with each child that is conducive to encourage "shmoozing" such
as going out to eat, taking a walk or a drive, and/or before bed-time.

Don't over-react if your child has done something wrong - it will scare him/her for telling you when
they are in trouble.

ExtraCredit

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 11:52 am

Make yiddishkeit a happy place to be, not just a list of rules and dos and don’ts.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, pick your battles.

You can never spoil a baby or love a child enough.

Emotional needs are equally (and maybe more) important as physical ones.

Play games. Laugh a lot. Practice gam zu letova when stuff spill or break.

Model good middos or anything you want your kids to do. Practice what you preach. Don’t preach. Just do and they’ll learn more that way.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 12:03 pm

Babies and toddlers understand WAY more speech than we give them credit for. Before they are speaking themselves, they already have a large vocabulary and can appreciate the rules of grammar and context. They can also plan ahead and anticipate outcomes. (That doesn't mean they make good choices all the time, but it does mean that they are very intelligent.)

Never say anything that you don't want to hear parroted back at you. Children are like tiny little walking tape recorders. If you don't want your child to tell you to "shut up", then the next time they are talking too much, ask them "to be quiet please."

If you really need to get your child to take you seriously, lower yourself to their level and make eye contact. Speak slowly, and lower your voice both in tone and in volume. Do. Not. Yell. I call it my "scary mommy voice". Wink

Save yelling for real emergencies, like if your child starts to dart into traffic, or the house is on fire. You want to save your big ammunition for when you really need it. If you child is used to tuning you out, you won't have that to fall back on anymore.

Rappel

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 12:14 pm

Give each child 10 minutes of exclusive attention every day.

80 percent of a child's misbehaviour can be prevented by making sure their physical needs are taken care of.

(I did not invent either of these z but I don't remember the name of the rebbetzin who does teach this. Either way, they're both very effective.)

honeymoon

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 12:20 pm

Zehava wrote:

Work through your triggers

This.

You can read every parenting book in existence and take every parenting course available. As long as you don't work on ridding yourself of the negative voices in your head and the demons that dictate your life, parenting will be a struggle. Once you clear your heart and mind and bring yourself to a place of healing and clarity, parenting will come naturally, using your innate maternal intuition.

CrazyDaisie

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 12:52 pm

Surprise works sometimes: teenager wants to provoke you, triggers, waits for you to yell. And you just burst out laughing! Can lead to a long lasting improvement in relationships!

Of course, you cannot always laugh at everything. That would not be valuable for education. But humor goes a long way to de-escalate situations.

#BestBubby

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 12:58 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

also show interest in what yr child is likes even if it bores you. that shows respect and love for child.

keym

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 1:03 pm

Make sure all physical needs are addressed before working at all on behavior.
A hungry, tired, hot, cold, physical uncomfortable child CANNOT be well-behaved
no matter how old they are.

Think of teenagers as oversized toddlers. It helps lower the emotional intensity of their difficulties.

Never parent based off "what will be when they grow up". That blows it up way out of proportion. Deal with the here and now.

CrazyDaisie

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 1:06 pm

Take into consideration that some children just are a bit clumsy. If we intimidate them, they will become anxious and that will make them even more clumsy.

So when a child drops something, just take a deep breath. No need to shout. Probably the child is very sorry anyway.

CrazyDaisie

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 1:07 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

also show interest in what yr child is likes even if it bores you. that shows respect and love for child.

And with the time, it will interest you genuinely. Fake it till you make it.

behappy2

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 1:26 pm

These are mine:

The most helpful advice I found in a parenting book was to never stop trying. Just bec I can't get my kid to read today doesn't mean I can't get him to read tomorrow. I can always find a new way. The child can be a diff frame of mind. When a child says no it just means not now.

Discipline is a gift you give your child.

Connect. Connect. Connect.

CrazyDaisie

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 1:35 pm

A remedial teacher told me today: children tell you what they want, in their way. You just have to be open to understand them.
She had worked with a boy, who would misbehave when demands were too high. Instead of interpreting his misbahviour as misbehaviour, she interpreted it as the child's way of saying "that's too hard for me" and lowered the demands. So she got along very well with that child. He then had to switch therapist. The new therapist went head to head with him and considered him very naughty.

CrazyDaisie

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 1:42 pm

Don't leave children alone when you want them to do stuff. Try to be with them, as long as they need it. It's all about teamwork. It's so much more motivating to do things together.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 2:36 pm

Don't forget the Third Partner.

Remember that your child doesn't have his/her Yetzer Tov completely until Bar or Bas Mitzvah. YOU be their Yetzer Tov.

And even after that, they are not considered fully aware of consequences until age 20.

So be patient, and don't constantly have doomsday predictions about your kids! They are constantly growing and improving.

amother

Brown

Sun, Dec 06 2020, 2:41 pm

Zehava wrote:

Work through your triggers

Can you expand on this?
I've done trauma work and really progressed yet still sometimes feel out of control when things get chaotic. To my body it feels like the chaos of my upbringing.