S/O Justifying Hitting

amother

cornflower

Tue, Jun 01 2021, 11:01 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

(a) deal with your own triggers and baggage so that you maintain self control. Don’t take it as a personal affront. Don’t go to a place of righteous fury. Don’t go to a panicked place of “oh god, I need to nip this in the bud NOW!! I gotta do something!!”

(b) decide if your child is in a receptive state of mind. If they made a joke that crossed a line but are otherwise in a normal mood, you can say something. But if they are already in a rage, coming down on them for chutzpah will just escalate the situation.

(c) from a place of compassion and respect for your child, try to separate their words/tone from what they’re actually trying to communicate. If they knew a better way to get what they wanted, they’d use it. They’re like a screaming, flailing baby. It doesn’t mean they should get what they want, but as the adult in the room you can choose to see it as a lagging skill rather than disrespect.

I have been practicing this for a very long time (I have an excellent therapist), and it’s still not easy. I have had to work very hard to separate my doing the “right thing” from the results.

And in no world can I believe that “the right thing” includes hitting my children.

Besides. It didn’t work when I used to do that. 😔

I like this way better, both for them and myself.

Thank you, I am saving this post. I wish I can peek in and watch an expert deal with with challenging children so I can learn better how to do it!