I have no patience for them..

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Yiddis

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 6:47 pm

I'm stressed out.

I work full time and am very invested in my career. (This is not going to change in the next 5 years).

Unforyunately my stress is affecting the way I parent. I'm pretty burnt out, always looking for a break, to sleep or to just eat in peace, and I have little patience for my kids.

It makes me sad to think that this is how they're gonna remember me as a parent. I know I can do better. If I had the time and patience I'd take them to the beach on Fridays/Sundays, I'd bake special things with them and maybe do crafts with them.

A long time ago I made a commitment to spend individual time with each one of my kids on Shabbos. I'm falling back on this commitment.

Currently it feels like everyone else is on Summer vacation except for me. Obviously this doesn't help with my burnout or lack of patience.

I need ideas to awaken that happy maternal energy, to help me appreciate this special time with my kids and to inspire patience.

Heart

amother

Stoneblue

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 6:57 pm

Can you lie in their beds at night - and shmooze for a bit? (not every night,... but some nights). I trust that while you are busy someone else is doing all the fun stuff with them? (ie they aren't plugged into a screen).

Yiddis

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:02 pm

Actually while I'm busy they spend a lot of time playing with friends which isn't bad, but they also fight a lot with each other and are sometimes very bored.

Basically they don't have a parent who makes them feel appreciated.

amother

Pewter

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:09 pm

Yiddis wrote:

That’s because you said it yourself: you’re very invested in your career and you work full time.

amother

Iris

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:10 pm

I find that doing stuff I like together with my kids is easier than doing kid-stuff. Like a good board game that I used to enjoy playing. I ordered some fun games, and I don’t find it that hard to sit through a game with them. Or, if you enjoy a certain craft you can do that with them. I also like to include them in things I do around the house, like when I sort the laundry I ask them questions, like who can find 5 blue clothes? How many categories can you find? It depends a lot on your children’s ages, but you can try to find different things that you enjoy as well.

amother

Poinsettia

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:14 pm

I involve 1 kid at a time in things I have to do anyway- coming grocery shopping, cooking or baking for shabbos, folding laundry, etc. And we just enjoy the time together and shmooze as we do it

amother

Foxglove

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:28 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

That’s because you said it yourself: you’re very invested in your career and you work full time.

This. It's hard to have all your energy invested in more than one thing. If you're expending a big chunk of your physical, mental, and emotional energy on your career, well, that just won't be available for other things, like your children. We're all only human and have limited resources. You choose where to spend it.

amother

Moonstone

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:29 pm

You can't be invested in a career and raise children without full time help. You have to choose, and it sounds like career is winning.

Yiddis

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:42 pm

I refuse to accept that I can't both have a good career and be a good mother to my kids, and I don't think any other woman should settle.

My goal is to find inspiration right now, to remember why this is important, and to keep reading and listening to things that help support me and help me find fulfillment, hence this post.

amother

Moonstone

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:48 pm

I don't understand how you can refuse to accept it when you can clearly see it's the reality. Humans just aren't cut out to put their whole beings into both. One will suffer and you get to decide which one.

behappy2

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 8:02 pm

You need to recharge.

Go and sit outside in the sun

Take a walk every day with a friend

Meet a friend on a lunch break once a week

Get a massage or take a bath

Then see if you have more patience for your kids and that you enjoy being with them!

ora_43

Sat, Jul 02 2022, 2:50 pm

I do think you can have a career you're very invested in and be a good parent (although if you and your dh are both in over-full-time jobs, you'll need extra help somewhere).

JMHO but I would try to think habits, not goals. Your goal is to spend more one-on-one time with your kids. OK. When would be a good time for that - a time when you've had a chance to rest after work and they aren't busy with friends? What would be a good activity - something you don't find too high-energy, but that you both enjoy?

If it doesn't work look at what specifically isn't working, and adjust as needed. Without looking for new motivation. A motivation boost is good but long-term you need something that works with the energy levels you have.

Start small. Taking kids to the beach or doing crafts are high-energy projects. Think something like chatting while you do dishes or going on a small walk in the neighborhood.

And make relaxation a habit, too, so that you'll have energy for them. Maybe a small routine right after work, if possible.

Elfrida

Sat, Jul 02 2022, 3:01 pm

Yiddis wrote:

I refuse to accept that I can't both have a good career and be a good mother to my kids, and I don't think any other woman should settle.

Many women put their careers on slow while their children are young, and then in their forties they really go ahead with their career, when their children are older and need less time and energy. I don't think they view this as settling. They choose to prioritize where to invest limited resources.

I know one woman who is brilliantly intelligent, and as a teenager she was planning a career as a great doctor. When she was in her late teens, her father (who is also a doctor) spoke to her about it. He told her that he knew she could be a brilliant doctor. But there was no way to be both a brilliant doctor and a brilliant mother, because each of them demanded a full investment of time and resources. If she wanted to go ahead with a medical career she would still have his full support, but she had to decide whether being an adequate doctor and having little time to invest in her children would satisfy her.

She thought about it, and thought about her priorities. She decided she wasn't prepared to sacrifice so much for her career. She is now a well known teacher, working mainly in seminaries and adult education in Jerusalem. When her children were young she was able to cut down her hours, but still invest enough time and energy to build the foundation of a very successful career. And from what I know of her family, she is an invested and successful mother as well.

ora_43

Sat, Jul 02 2022, 5:16 pm

I know someone who is brilliantly intelligent who wanted to be a doctor. She went to med school and became a doctor. Her husband has a job with fewer, and more flexible, hours. He does a lot of the parenting, although she's also very involved when she's home.

I know another woman who met and married her husband when they were both in med school. They make it work by having a lot of paid help, including a babysitter who's basically part of the family, for those occasions that they both have a night shift. Now that they're through the brutal early years of their careers, being a doctor is stable, well-paying job with regular hours (8 am to 3 pm, for the parent who chooses non-hospital work), and no harder to balance with parenting than anything else (a fair deal easier, actually, because of the pay).

(both frum families, fwiw)

Yes, everyone has to choose, but the choice doesn't always have to be that the mother gives up her career goals.

amother

Yellow

Sat, Jul 02 2022, 10:29 pm

OP I get you. I love my career bH and I work 40 hours a week and have to be out the door very early in the morning. I come home exhausted and it’s hard for me to be “on”. I’m going to be honest and say that even if I could be a stay at home mom I wouldn’t want to be. I just don’t have that type of energy (my kids are little). So throw the tomatoes but not every woman has the type of energy to be constantly playing with/reading to their kids. I sometimes think that makes me a less than mom but if I really think about it, providing a loving home where the kids feel safe, cared for, and cherished is what makes you a good mother in my opinion.

amother

Silver

Sat, Jul 02 2022, 11:17 pm

amother

Firebrick

Sat, Jul 02 2022, 11:21 pm

I think even moms that dont have careers can struggle being 'on' for their kids. I'm finding entertaining a bunch of kids from toddler to tween challenging. The park is too boring for the elders. They want my emotional energy to talk and listen to them. The toddler needs to be pushed and changed and held. Being pregnant doesnt make things easier. I'm also working on a career but for now I've cut down. Really out of necessity. I was becoming a wreck. Iyh when things are calmer I'll be able to put more focus on that. With time I think it will be clearer to you. Either you'll grow more dissatisfied with the current setup or you'll figure out a way to manage or make peace with the situation.

amother

Pearl

Sat, Jul 02 2022, 11:31 pm

I just want to say I was a wreck and finally really took a 4 day vacation w dh and really it recharged me in ways I didn't know were possible. A burned out mother can't parent well. You need to fill yourself too

amother

Hydrangea

Sat, Jul 02 2022, 11:35 pm

First of all, I would not listen to posters who say you have to choose one or the other, career or children.

Second, lower your expectations. Having a better relationship with your kids doesn't need to be baking and trip or other time and energy intensive activities.

The times when I am closest with my kids is stuff like reading bedtime stories and snuggling. Or sitting on the couch and being silly with them. Find ways to connect that utilize your strengths and minimize annoyances.

Make sure you are getting enough sleep and take care of yourself so that you cam be present with your kids at regular times.

happytobemom

Sat, Jul 02 2022, 11:44 pm

Use everyday interactions to connect with your children.

When serving them supper, giving them what they need, or anything you're doing anyway, do it with eye contact, with feeling, with connection.

You can be at the park together and be disconnected, and you can be bathing and getting them into pajamas and that can be a way to connect.

Not that the activities and outings are not valuable. They are, they create connection and amazing childhood memories, but you can connect in the everyday every moment also. And those can be even more valuable - because you can be making connections with every moment of mother-child interaction.

Last edited by happytobemom on Sat, Jul 02 2022, 11:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next