How to help kid express frustration pain anger

amother

Mon, Sep 05 2022, 7:10 am

2 of my kids have a very low frustration tolerance.
One of them has a lot of pain from difficulty socially.
2 of the 3 have adhd. (One severe the 3rd one too young for diagnosing but im pretty sure it'll come soon. I see the signs.)
They are very bright kids. Academically above their age groups despite their adhd.
But all their struggles come out at home and I'm having difficulty dealing with it and keeping the home peaceful.

My kid with social difficulties will just be very instigating with her siblings. Or when I'll say its time for bed she'll come close to my face and yell "NO IM NOT GOING INTO BED" most of the time she ends up going into bed normally. Or doing whatever it's time for, she has this need to "show" she's in control.
Drives my husband MAD he walks off or engages with her in a negative pattern. Most days I just ignore. But she seems to want a response out of me.
So I'll say something like "I know you like staying up late but then you'll be tired in the morning. And this is not a way to speak yo poeple. You can say it nicely" she usually just goes about her day. But she has this need to show control and power (she feels powerless in some social settings so I feel like this is her way of taking it back)
But it's disrupting the night routines. Every single night. All other children suffer.
Yesterday she had some disappointments. She was out with friends. They were supposed to do something exciting together, it didn't work out. She came in, and was bothering her siblings in many ways and yelling out her frustration at everyone. Holding me and do responsible for her frustrations. Being in my face....
I acknowledged her frustration and disappointment she calmed down eventually but her siblings were hurt.
Or whenever we need her to do something. For herself, or to lend a had for 15 minutes erev shabbos. To come to the dinner table. To go get dressed. Everything.

My other kid will loose her cool BAAAD over the slightest things. Bad as in throw stuff kick punch holes in the wall, hurt her siblings. (Siblings needed stiches/glue more than once)
She also has a hard time sitting still in school. Especially that she's very bright. Knows the work after the teacher said it once. And scores 100 on all her tests without studying. So school is boring for her, she also has a long bus ride home up and down and all around town and come home very nauseous so that adds another level of hardship for her.
We were supposed to go away, but in the car ride she was so aggressive and raging for 20 minutes attacking her siblings we just turned around and came home. The drive would have been another 1.5 hours. It was impossible.

Some days I feel like I'm living in a zoo.

I've tried so many things. The way things are now is already hugely improved.

But I think it boils down to the ability to express their anger and frustration appropriately.

My kids are all younger elementary or preschool aged.
I need help.