PSA: bad guest | Imamother

amother

NeonGreen

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 10:41 pm

amother Maroon wrote:

I had the guests from heck for the first days of Pesach one year. The mom never once got up to help me, let alone offer to help. Her kids ate us out of house and home. She stayed in her bedroom late in the morning and sent her 3 kids out to me to make them breakfast, and guess what, each one asked for something different.

They left no nosh over for my own child, and I then hid a big chocolate bar in the back of a cabinet so my child would at least get to have something… then the mom says to me, “Oh look we found an extra chocolate bar you had, and she proceeded to give it to her kids.

I literally was slaving over that family the entire first days with only my dh to help. And the kicker was, when chol hamoed finally came, the mom says to me, “So should we stay for the second days too?”

Lol was it very hard not to burst out laughing in their face??

But also omg, watching them greedily eating up that chocolate bar would have set my blood boiling.

ittsamother

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 10:51 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

Isn't it funny how the same parents would be insulted if their kids decide not to come.

I think that makes sense though. Look at it this way- if you were making a wedding for one of your kids, you'd expect all your other married kids to come to the wedding, right? And you'd expect them to dress appropriately for the occasion, and attend with the right attitude, and participate however is the norm in your community. You would not be ok with them either just not attending, or attending in dirty weekday clothes, or attending but with an awful attitude that drags down the whole simcha, or attending but spending the entire time tucked into a corner visibly playing around on their phone.

So it's similar. The parents very much want their kids to come for shabbos or YT. They want to spend time with them, share enjoyable meals with them, and shower the grandkids with love. At the same time, they want their kids to appreciate all the hard work that goes into hosting, and be good guests! Help serve and clear, clean up after themselves, take care of their own kids, treat their surroundings with care. Why does it have to be, "Fine, we'll come like you want, but we'll be awful guests who wreck your house and don't care for our kids at all and you just have to take it, or don't bother inviting us"? Parents have to do their best to welcome their kids and tolerate a messier, louder shabbos, but kids have to respect the effort involved in hosting and make it as easy on their parents as they can.

I love going to my parents and in-laws. I always try my best to be a good guest because I want to be invited back many, many more times! And yes, I very much appreciate not having to make a whole YT- cooking is just still not my thing.

amother

Kiwi

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 11:25 pm

Don't lock your bedroom door so your kids (all under 5 years old) don't wake you even though they will come downstairs at 5am to wake my kids to play. (and then roll out of bed at 11 after I had to watch them for 6 hours)
Don't show up right before shabbos and shower using 4 bath towels and then shower after shabbos (before leaving to go home) and using another 4 bath towels and leaving them scattered all over the floor.

amother

Watermelon

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 11:37 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

That all good, but it doesn't mean that it's a nice thing to do to arrive early or extend your stay when being a guest, without notifying the host.

If the bolded would be changed to "...without asking the host" I would totally agree. If a guest wishes to stay until Sunday, don't assume it is okay, don't "notify" or "inform" the hosts that you are staying, but ask. In advance.
Also, don't put the host on the spot and ask Motzai Shabbos, because they might have plans of their own which do not include having guests.

Re expecting to shower by us - please come showered, unless you are coming from very far (over 2 hours), even if you don't arrive last-minute. Sometimes there is a limited amount of hot water... I won't be banging on the bathroom door to remind you to save some hot water for others, but it will annoy me to no end as your leisurely shower empties my hot water tank. It is super annoying to a hostess who has been busily preparing for Shabbos with guests until the last minute to run in for a quick shower, to discover that there is no hot water left.

amother

Quince

Thu, Mar 16 2023, 8:35 am

amother Maroon wrote:

I would have set some boundaries for those guests. Like breakfast will be served from 8 to 9 am, and these are the options. I would also prepare a snack bin for their kids and make clear that they're welcome to the snacks in that bin.

Do you live in an area with a kosher store? There's no reason that parents can't stock up nosh for their own kids.

I had Pesach guests who kept noshiing on matza even after we told them that we're running low and need to save some for the last days. They were NOT happy!! They ended up going to a friend and shnorring more matza from them. (We're talking very expensive shmurah matza.)

amother

DarkViolet

Thu, Mar 16 2023, 8:45 am

Are these awful guests relatives, friends, or strangers people were asked to host? If relatives, are they children/siblings/cousins? Just curious. Because even though hosting can be hard to prepare for or juggle, I've never had anything close to what people are describing. In my experience most guests are pleasant and do their best to keep things clean, their kids under control, and nobody ever ate me out of house and home or took obviously hidden treats without checking if it's ok.

mommyla

Mon, May 29 2023, 11:26 am

Bumping this in response to the PSAs for hosts.

I host a lot, often for local simchas which means they are not my guests and are usually not people I know.

If you're being put up at someone's house, please read through this thread! From my own experience:

Please clean up after yourself and make sure you have everything. I can't track down whose guest left what at my house.

I don't expect the room to be spotless but don't leave food wrappers all over, don't eat in the beds, and PLEASE leave it in respectable condition. One recent guest left the toilet seat in a truly disgusting state. Take a wipe or some wet toilet paper and just give it a quick cleanup.

If you're coming for a Shabbos simcha, your host expects you to leave after Shabbos. If you need to stay longer, make that clear BEFORE Shabbos. We probably won't have a problem with that, but we also don't want to walk in on you Sunday morning when we thought you were gone.

Let us know when you leave. I want to come in and clean up.

Even if your room is on a different floor from our bedrooms and seems to be separate from the rest of the house, it's still part of my house. We can hear you when you yell, sing, cry, or slam doors in middle of the night. (Thanks to excellent soundproofing we can't hear your conversations, but we can hear the tone of your voice.)

Don't expect us to "just listen out for your baby" while you run out to the meals. There is a very good chance s/he will wake up and be completely freaked out by us strangers while one of us has to come track you down. Don't leave your sleeping kids and come back to check on them "every ten minutes or so."

If you break or stain something, let us know. You might feel embarrassed but it's a lot worse for us to discover that the Pack 'n Play is broken or sporting a vomit stain the next time a guest with a baby shows up, or to toss the linen in the dryer without noticing a stain first.

If you open the windows, close them before you leave!

I don't mean to make anyone feel bad or pressured, but when you're a guest - especially at a stranger's house - it's important to treat their home better than you'd treat your own.

ETA: if your hostess package came with tea lights, please don't light them in your room without asking!