PSA: bad guest | Imamother

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 7:14 pm

So many things are specific to different hosts. I think each host should have a cheat sheet for guests, given with a magazine, water bottle and tissues.

Welcome to our home! We are so excited to have you.

Here are some helpful guidelines:
1. Bathroom door should be left ____
2. I do/don’t (circle one) like company in the kitchen while I work
3. Please do/don’t (circle one) strip the linen after you stay
4. All food should be eaten at the kitchen table.
5. Wash high chair trays after use
6. You are welcome to use the toys in the closet but please clean up after use
7. Please help serve and clear the table
8. I do/don’t want you to disappear between meals
9. Please let me know by Thursday if you are coming. Check in time is up to 30 min before candlelight in and check out time is within 1 hour after Shabbos
10. Please do/don’t move any furniture around
11. Please supervise your children at all times

Etc

amother

Emerald

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 7:32 pm

When I am a guest I aim to get to my host between an hour and 45 minutes before shabbos. And everyone is bathed and showered and usually in their robes/shabbos clothes. I have had guests MANY times who have come on the zman or in the 18 minutes and they live CLOSE BY. I have had times where I was stuck in traffic and came late though.

I recently hosted a family for three days during the week as a VERY VERY last minute thing. I am NOT close to this family. These are some things that were violating:

1. Please don't come in LATE at night and proceed to wake up all my kids. Come in at a normal hour.

2. Please come down and take care of your kids.

3. Please tell me your plans. Don't put me in the VERY uncomfortable situation of not letting me know so I can take my own shabbos plans.

4. Ask before taking food and emptying my kids special snack box.

amother

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 8:20 pm

When I talk about eating up designated food, I once had a guest whose child likes eggs, so I let her know that I specifically made more and had them in mind.
Guess what, when I wanted to serve the eggs shabbos morning there wasn’t an egg left.
Or if you decide to open and use a challah for breakfast shabbos morning it’ll get awkward by the seuda.

IMHO if you come for Friday afternoon to Motzei there is no reason to bathe at my house even if there is actually time.
I might’ve planned to bathe my kids then, and you won’t have time, I might not want all those wet towels around, etc…

amother

Lightyellow

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:05 pm

Y'all realize that some of this is a response to some of the threads that parents *must* host their married kids for at least a few years.
Meaning, not always are the hosts inviting because they want to and it's a convenient time for them. Sometimes they feel compelled and pressed to have company and this is what they need for it to happen.

And yes, I've seen married children do many things on these lists- act like their parents house is a hotel, let their kids run around, jump on couches, take any food they want, leave the toys and high chairs and let their 50-60 year old parents deal with it all because they're tired or pregnant or just not in the mood.

amother

Dahlia

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:08 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

Isn't it funny how the same parents would be insulted if their kids decide not to come.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:16 pm

amother Mintcream wrote:

THIS.

As a newlywed guest I hung around the hostess while she was serving. I blush when I think about it embarrassed

Now that I host a lot I hope and pray my guests leave me alone to do my thing in the kitchen. It’s so distracting and annoying otherwise.

I don’t understand this. Whenever we are hosted out, I automatically get up before the meal, and between courses to help the hostess serve and prepare.

amother

NeonGreen

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:23 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

You probably meant this as a joke but I think I might actually do it! Lol. A modified one, of course. Only because I want my guest to read the list and see that I really do want them to be comfortable and it's so much more enjoyable when you know what's ok and what's not, you don't have to tiptoe around and wonder if you're unintentionally annoying your host.

Like, "I'm totally fine with you eating in the kitchen, living room, dining room, and even your bedroom, but please don't let your kid spill food on the playroom carpet."

Or, "Feel free to let your kids play with any toy in the house, but cleaning up after would be appreciated."

"Feel free to stay as long after shabbos as you need but please just let me know, and understand that I might not be so available to hang out with you Motzei Shabbos." Etc!

amother

Lightyellow

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:23 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

Isn't it funny how the same parents would be insulted if their kids decide not to come.

Not my experience.
I see parents begging their children to watch their own kids, and when it finally gets too much for them, they tell their kids they can't host anymore. The kids go around telling everyone how their parents abandoned them, kicked them out, how are they supposed to make Yom Tov pregnant or with a baby

amother

Maroon

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:29 pm

amother Saddlebrown wrote:

Please do your phone calls in the room you were given, or if you're sharing it or will be loud, your car if you have one. Please do not do so from the kitchen table or living room couch, or outside if you will be loud. In general, do quiet hanging out in your room during busy times/non Shabbos. And if you're a couple, please don't have one of you sit at the kitchen table and one at the dining room table so you can each have space. That leaves no unoccupied space for anyone in the family who may need it for their routine or own space.

Realistically, non frum males will not give hists any space when the frum males go to dhul. But frum ones who don't go definitely should. And many women instinctively take off their shoes and curl their feet onto the couch in their own space, so please don't judge them for that one- maybe point out that in your house, no feet on the couch.

I couldn’t disagree more with your last statement. Anyone who thinks it’s OK to take off their shoes and put their feet on someone else’s couch has some serious lack of social skills. You are not in your own home, and that is just terrible manners to think that’s OK to do in someone else’s.

ittsamother

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:32 pm

amother Quince wrote:

OMG reading this list is stressful and makes me never ever want to be a guest.

As a hostess, my rule is make yourself comfortable. If you want to make conversation, sure. If you'd rather keep your nose in a book, fine with me too. If you're used to helping set up and clean up, great. If you feel too awkward, don't know where anything goes, don't feel comfortable in my kitchen, I totally don't mind.

I'm a bad guest (according to this list) so the least I could do is not judge people for being bad like me.

I'm very introverted so will usually find a book to read instead of getting into convos. My kids are hyper so I try to keep them out of other people's homes if they're the judgy type.

Yeah, to me it's a two-way street. You have to be a good host and a good guest.

Being a good host means being as accepting as possible of your guests- be ok with the fact that there are people temporarily in your house who will do things differently than you, and might be a little messy or loud or in your space over the weekend. They might put things in your fridge or leave things on your counter or let their kid run around with a bag of pretzels. Let it go, you'll get your house back into shape after, just let them feel welcome and that you're ok with it all.

On the flip side, as a guest, be mindful of your host's peace of mind. Try to clean up after yourself, don't do any major damage to their house (and if you do damage something, please apologize to the host and offer to pay to fix it!), and try to be helpful when you can. Be good company- they invited you because they presumably want to spend time with you, so actually be present, and pleasant.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:34 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Ohh I really dislike when people leave the door closed after leaving the bathroom! I also hate when people talk to me when I’m in the bathroom, and having someone knocking makes me so anxious and stressed (makes it hard to do what I need to IYKWIM).

I hate when the bathroom door is left open. My 2 year old takes it as a personal invitation. Not a good idea…

amother

NeonGreen

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:37 pm

amother Maroon wrote:

That's funny, cuz to me, I'm 1000% ok with guest curling their feet up on the couch, and in fact I'd be like, "Yay! They're getting so cozy and comfortable, I must be doing something right!"

(I am assuming they're wearing socks, tho...)

amother

Maroon

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:42 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Mine would be

Strip the linen!

When shabbos is over- LEAVE! I don't want you here anymore we've had enough. I've had guest hang around for hours after shabbos and I'm exhausted and done hosting.

I had the guests from heck for the first days of Pesach one year. The mom never once got up to help me, let alone offer to help. Her kids ate us out of house and home. She stayed in her bedroom late in the morning and sent her 3 kids out to me to make them breakfast, and guess what, each one asked for something different.

They left no nosh over for my own child, and I then hid a big chocolate bar in the back of a cabinet so my child would at least get to have something… then the mom says to me, “Oh look we found an extra chocolate bar you had, and she proceeded to give it to her kids.

I literally was slaving over that family the entire first days with only my dh to help. And the kicker was, when chol hamoed finally came, the mom says to me, “So should we stay for the second days too?”

amother

Maroon

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:44 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

Oh yes that’s so awkward . When they leave M”S and they left the two beds pushed together . TMI lol.

I think it’s tacky (and I learned it’s also not halachically appropriate) for guests to dtd in someone else’s home. You can wait for motzi Shabbos or YT, thank you very much

amother

Maroon

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:53 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

I hope you’re joking,

And one thing that wasn’t mentioned, I think it’s basic mentshlichkeit to bring a small gift, doesn’t have to be expensive, but you should show gratitude. A bottle of wine, a cake or dessert, something.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 9:57 pm

amother NeonGreen wrote:

So you’re good with a woman doing that, and if your dh walks in?