Discovered my DD is OTD…Need guidance…

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:07 am

My daughter (24) was wishy washy with tznius for a while. Then came the multi piercings in her ear. Now I just found out she uses the phone on Shabbos and YT. Data was being used on those days.
She may also be going to non kosher restaurants.
It’s devastating. I can’t tell my husband cuz he will blow a fuse and that won’t help matters.
What is my next step?
So far she doesn’t know I know….

sequoia

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:09 am

I’m guessing she lives at home?

amother

DarkMagenta

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:10 am

amother OP wrote:

1-Keep a good relationship for when/if she decides to be religious again.
2- Daven!
It's tough! Sorry! Crying

amother

Lightgreen

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:10 am

Hugs
Call avi Fishoff asap
He will guide you. This is what he does.

amother

Lightgreen

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:11 am

718-902-6666- avi Fishoff
You can text/WhatsApp him

amother

Bottlebrush

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:12 am

M.A.S.K.
718 758 0400
hatzlocha!
At one point you will realize that this is a process of life for YOU.
may hashem make the journey easier and help you find peace of mind.

amother

Nasturtium

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:19 am

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Hugs
Call avi Fishoff asap
He will guide you. This is what he does.

This!! Call Avi asap

amother

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:25 am

sequoia wrote:

I’m guessing she lives at home?

Yes she does. She would like to move out but can’t afford it. We have plenty of space so we certainly aren’t pushing her out.

amother

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:26 am

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

1-Keep a good relationship for when/if she decides to be religious again.
2- Daven!
It's tough! Sorry! Crying

I try with both these things…

amother

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 11:27 am

amother Lightgreen wrote:

718-902-6666- avi Fishoff
You can text/WhatsApp him

Ok! It looks like this is my next step! Thanks all!

amother

Slategray

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:21 pm

Rabbi russel is very experienced in this area

amother

Chicory

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:37 pm

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this op. I did this with a teen. I know how heartbreaking it is to find out that your child is no longer frum.

Avi Fishoffs methods are somewhat controversial. I would recommend Kesher Nafshi. Besides for advice for you they also have support groups and shabbatons which can be a great help.

amother

Diamond

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:40 pm

I posted this before on another thread and I think it's important here also.

Does your DD share your hashkafos? Does she think there's anything wrong with what she's doing?

Or is she just tolerating your rules as much as she's forced to, while inwardly thinking you are misguided?

Big difference between (1) a DD who shares your hashkafah in principle but finds certain things tempting and then feels guilty for giving in and (2) a DD who just stam thinks you're wrong and believes what she's doing is fine. #1 may actually want your help in improving her observance. #2 won't want it, and trying to push it may seriously damage the relationship.

amother

Aster

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:40 pm

I suggest Kesher Nafshi too. They’ve been great. You can watch Rabbi Shimon Russell’s speeches online too. Hatzlacha. Such a painful parsha!

amother

Plum

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:51 pm

I ask sincerely how you would expect to be able to control a 24 year old woman?

The only thing you can do is to navigate forward so that you maintain a good relationship with your child in the future - whatever that future is for her.

amother

Lightgreen

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 1:13 pm

What is kesher nafshis phone number?

DrMom

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 1:24 pm

I assume she is not doing anything in plain sight which is against halacha out of respect for you and the rest of your household.

You can let her know you know. Is your relationship with her a positive one? Have you spoken to her about it?

You could say that if she is on your data plan, you expect her to not use data on Shabbat. You have to decide what to do about that. She's 24, so you will need to respect her choices to some extent, but you have to decide to what extent you want to fund them...

amother

Oleander

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 1:47 pm

I’m in the same boat with a twenty one year old daughter.

At first it rocked our boat so bad that I thought we won’t survive. My husband was crying every night, we both couldn’t sleep and we had no one to share the news with. So we went for counseling just my husband and myself for about a year. It saved our lives.

My daughter didn’t know how hard we were taking it. She was in no place to handle that. We learned to give her unconditional acceptance and emotional support for HER journey.

As far as the rest of the family. The children followed our lead. We projected an attitude of strength and positivity and the kids adjusted to having a sister that’s different.

I still sometimes feel the shock that one of my kids isn’t frum. And I daven more than I ever have. It has changed me completely. I am much more accepting and I learned how to notice what’s my ego in a situation and what’s my soul.

My soul knows that there is a purpose in this. That my daughter has a unique destiny and Hashem chose us to be her parents. She is thriving bh and I do get nachas from her.

You will have nachas from this child. Reach out for support. Do your own grieving and accepting process. And know that klall yisroel has all kinds and they all deserve our love. Even when it’s hard and is different than what we ever imagined.

amother

Phlox

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 1:55 pm

Another oleander who did you use for therapy?

OceanRider

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 2:02 pm

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

1-Keep a good relationship for when/if she decides to be religious again.

Keep a good relationship with her because she is your child.

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