Discovered my DD is OTD…Need guidance…

cuffs

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 5:14 pm

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

1-Keep a good relationship for when/if she decides to be religious again.
2- Daven!
It's tough! Sorry! Crying

Keep a good relationship with her for NOW, regardless of her religion she’s your child and needs your love and acceptance. I would recommend getting help for yourself to be able to accept her and show her love and care

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 6:20 pm

amother Aster wrote:

I suggest Kesher Nafshi too. They’ve been great. You can watch Rabbi Shimon Russell’s speeches online too. Hatzlacha. Such a painful parsha!

This

ruchelbuckle

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 6:31 pm

Do you have a Rov/mentor/rebbetzin that you can speak with that knows you and/or your daughter? I would do that first. That's really better than a person from an organization who is giving general advice.

Also, regarding her knowing that you know I know that Rav Silberstein from Bnei Brak speaks of a similar situation and he strongly advised the parents to NOT let on that they know, because it, for certain reasons, it could be better for the kid to keep up the game. But it's a general rule, not an answer that is specific to your situation.

Hatzlacha! You will IYH see lots of nachas from your daughter. Hashem has a path and a place for everyone.

amother

White

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 6:50 pm

OceanRider wrote:

Keep a good relationship with her because she is your child.

Do you have a child like this?
I hope not, and
maybe it’s just my own personal pain; but these sort of comments come across to me as preachy, and oblivious to, or unaccepting of the parents’ grief.
Losing a child spiritually vs losing a child physically —parents grieve both. Let’s allow that.

amother

Chicory

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 7:15 pm

amother White wrote:

I have a child who Bh is on her way back on the derech, and I agree with her. I always loved my dd because she's my dd, and in spite of the fact that she was otd. I was devastated that she was mechalel shabbos and eating non kosher food, but I never felt like I lost her in any way.

I have a sibling who lost a child and I would take this over that any day. With this nisayon there is always hope, and BH in our case our hopes for her are coming true. I can still dream that one day we will have frum grandchildren from her and years of nachas from her. My sibling has no hope, it's all over.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 7:24 pm

Something to think on is the Hayom Yom for 29 Elul (Hayom Yom was a compilation of daily Torah thoughts or chabad customs compiled by the 7th Lubavitcher rebbe).

Quoting the 6th Lubavitcher rebbe, who said “A saying of the Alter [first Lubavitcher] rebbe: We have no comprehension of how dearly G-d cherishes the body of a Jew.”

No more, no less. If Hashem loves our child in such an incomprehensibly huge way, their body! Not their neshomah even! We can meditate on trying to feel the same for our own children, if not other people. It’s a good reminder for all of us.

amother

Oleander

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 7:45 pm

amother Phlox wrote:

Another oleander who did you use for therapy?

I got a recommendation at the time from my daughter’s therapist. I think relief can help too. Certain therapist’s specialize with this.

amother

Crocus

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 7:52 pm

amother White wrote:

It’s understandable to be hurt and grieve. Another question is do you love your child. Is your love for your child conditional on their Jewish observance?

amother

Plum

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 8:09 pm

amother White wrote:

Are you really equating the actual death of a child with a child who goes OTD?

The loss is completely not comparable as most people don’t cut a child out of their life and sit shiva

Many parents *grieve* in some level because a child is not exactly who they envisioned but there is still a child who one can have a warm and fulfilling relationship with

CPenzias

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 8:11 pm

amother White wrote:

I don't think she was trying to take away from the grief that the op is feeling. This comment resonated with me strongly. Like I have a lump in my throat. I haven't experienced it as a parent (my oldest is 17) and I'm not sure how I'd react/ feel. I know I'd be very sad but there are many cases where parents disown children because of this. Maybe that's what the poster meant. A number of my siblings went otd and they came back. You never know but showing love is the most likely way they'll return or at least not feel animosity towards Judaism. Let's face it, this religion is not easy.

amother

Forsythia

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 8:20 pm

What exactly do you want, OP? Help navigating your own feelings? Because as hard as it is, your daughter is 24. She’s an adult and can do whatever she wants. She can’t be forced to be frum.

I have a daughter who is also not religious. She is a staunch Zionist and for that I’m so happy! Because no matter what, she is still a Jew and she loves all of klal yisrael and would give her life to defend a Jew. And I had to come to terms with the fact that although she doesn’t want to be frum, she is on her own path. She’s doing what she needs to be doing.

Our love for our children is unconditional, even when they do things that break our hearts.

amother

Gray

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 8:32 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Many parents *grieve* in some level because a child is not exactly who they envisioned but there is still a child who one can have a warm and fulfilling relationship with

Yes this, you grieve and can love and still be proud of your child and love them.

amother

Clear

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 9:12 pm

I have been through this with two of my kids. Both adults now. bH, we have very close relationships with both of them as do all the siblings. Neither are rebellious, just not interested in being frum anymore. They both are very loving and respectful and we have so much joy from them. Do I wish they were from? Of course. But I don’t get to make that choice for them. My choice is to hold them close and love them. Btw, one still lives at home. We make it work. I have given this advice to others. If you show your dissatisfaction or anger, it just pushes them away.

#BestBubby

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 9:45 pm

Not an expert. But my thoughts are:

1. Do Not reveal you know anything.
As long as DD is trying to keep it a secret,
She will not go too far.

2. It is great that she is living at home. DD is
Trying to hide this from you, so won't go too far.

3. Strengthen your relationship. Say " I love you."

4. Look to compliment her mitzvah observance,
Can be Odom l'chaveiro.

You do so much chessed.

You have a Lev Tov.

You bake the best cookies.

amother

Bottlebrush

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 9:48 pm

amother White wrote:

you are right.
However, in most cases you can actually feel that the child is embarking on their own spiritual path.
they continue to be a soul in a body.
נסתרים לה אליקנו

amother

Broom

Tue, Apr 18 2023, 3:05 am

amother Plum wrote:

Are you really equating the actual death of a child with a child who goes OTD?

actually having gone through this myself in some ways I think the pain is worse. there were times I was jealous of parents that lost their child when they were so pure as opposed to the unspeakable pain we went through watching our once pure beautiful child turn into something opposite of what he was.
the pain and grief is real and ongoing.
However, in the long run there is hope and we learned to see the beauty in our child no matter where he is holding in life. we have a warm and open relationship and know that he (and we) had to go through this and have grown tremendously through this nisayon.

amother

Dimgray

Tue, Apr 18 2023, 3:46 am

One of my ds’s is currently otd. I’m sorry op, it’s so painful. You should try to have as warm and connected a relationship as possible, and you should daven your heart out. BH some of my friends are seeing yeshuos. I wouldn’t let her know you know. Her wanting to keep things private is a good sign. Also may be she’s not really identifying as otd, just struggles with certain things. If you make it bigger than it really is, it might push her farther away ch”v.