3.5 year old keeps going to dh bed to sleep every night

Dumbledore

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 11:21 pm

My 3.5 year old son keeps going to my husband bed every night. I put him into his own bed to sleep and he wakes after an hour and climbs into dh bed to continue sleeping. He’s doing this for a few weeks already and I wish I could get him to stay in his bed all night. Problem is dh likes to sleep with him. My ds used to sleep longer and only woke up around 2 am to go to dh bed but now he wakes up 10 pm and even if I transfer him back to his own bed he comes back very soon after… it’s starting to affect our private time together… he once started banging and crying at our door while we were dtd and that wasn’t fun at all! My husband is not at all trying to help to keep him in bed all night. On top of this my ds has fears of the dark,shadows etc so he claims that as a reason to come sleep with us. Please any suggestion to get him to sleep in his own bed through the night is welcome!

Queen Of Hearts

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 11:24 pm

becka1 wrote:

That's tough! My kids can come here and there to dh bed at night. I try to get them back in their own bed. Sometimes opening their closet light helps. Or keeping the hallway light on.
Other times they insist. And poor dh does not sleep well that night.

Dumbledore

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 11:30 pm

Unfortunately he rather enjoys having our son sleep with him and doesn’t see what the problem is. He has his own issues from his childhood that could be affecting this (attachment issues and not gettIng enough love from his parents) so he likes that my son wants to be with him. But it’s unhealthy and I can’t get him to understand this

amother

Lemonchiffon

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 11:34 pm

I would just narrow it down to where it affects my life and then leave the problem with dh.
Like:
I don't want to be disturbed while dtd
I don't want to transfer ds
I miss you and feel like I can't spend time with you bc ds is around.

And then leave it up to dh to figure out how to take care of it.
For me also, if I let this naturally run its course, dh will start to have the same concerns and want to take care of it himself faster than me nagging dh to get son back in his own bed.

And lastly, I could see the value in ds and dh bonding like that and appreciate how much dh enhances ds life.

amother

Snapdragon

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 11:40 pm

becka1 wrote:

Why is it unhealthy? If it gives a 3.5yr old security and your husband likes it what’s the problem? If you DS is in your DH bed , Maybe go to your 3.5yr olds room to dtd and then return to your room to sleep …

Dev80

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 11:45 pm

My toddler comes into my bed, also at varying times. We just don't know what to do so we kind of just allow it. This child is more stubborn than other kids (I blame it on being a Corona baby). In our case my toddler prefers me, and I think it's something my husband and I will have to deal with together. I'm not really sure how people advising that it's your husband's problem helps. If your child is screaming in the middle of the night, that's kind of overwhelming for one person to deal with!

We are just at a loss for technique that won't drain our entire household or wake them up. I guess I also don't view it as unhealthy, more like inconvenient.

Dumbledore

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 11:48 pm

Dev80 wrote:

He would prefer me but I made it clear that my bed is unavailable as I have a 4 month old that I need to nurse during the night so there’s no room for him. I told dh in the beginning he should be firm and send him back to bed but he didn’t want to

ittsamother

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 11:51 pm

Before you address your DS coming into your DH's bed, you need to address that DH and you are clearly not on the same page. So you're going to be trying to institute something with no support from DH and in fact maybe even the opposite. This is a DH problem before it's a DS problem. You need to have a serious conversation and get the two of you on the same page.

If you both end up on the page of "DS has his own bed and must sleep in it", then the two of you can start cracking down on it. As it is now, there is zero point in you working on that when your DH will be actively working against it.

Dumbledore

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 11:55 pm

ittsamother wrote:

You are definitely right that we aren’t on the same page in this area and in our kids discipline in general. This is hitting a sore spot for me and it’s frustrating that we can’t see eye to eye. He was very restricted growing up so he now wants the opposite for our child. I don’t know how to get us both on middle ground

amother

Dahlia

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 12:28 am

becka1 wrote:

This is key. You have a new baby in your bed of course he is seeking love and reassurance.

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 1:10 am

Dev80 wrote:

It’s not a bad thing if you can sleep with your toddler in your bed it can actually be a very good thing for your toddler.

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 1:20 am

becka1 wrote:

Your husband knows his experiences and in all honesty research and studies prove he is right in what he is saying and believes. It may be inconvenient now but it can save you decades of true Agmas nefesh down the line. It is normal for young kids to have fears at night and crave parental closeness. It is healthy for them and can prevent your child from developing anxiety, and suffer from attachment issues that can wreak havoc in one’s ability to form proper meaningful connections (as you may have read about in shalom Bayis forums on here)and they do better in the long run. Would you like me to provide you with some articles so you can understand the benefits and challenges that it can cause a child to not be given the security they need in their forming years at night? You may change your mind after you see the research.

abound

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 2:12 am

In reality, since your husband can sleep well with your son, this is about you and your needs vs your sons needs.
There is no objective right or wrong here. Your husband seems like a loving hands on father- dont micromanage him.

In general, people dont realize that being on the same page does not mean exact same parenting styles.

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 6:17 am

Stop trying to transfer him back. That will solve the sleep deprivation aspect of your resentment. Then your only problem is intimacy, which can be solved pretty easily with some planning, as another poster said you could go to a different location as one possible solution. If he’s coming in at the same time every night, scheduling time for intimacy for before that hour is another.

It makes your son happy to do this, and it is healthy for him. It also makes your husband happy to do this, and in fact is probably emotionally healthy and healing for him too.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 6:44 am

The wonderful thing about this problem is that it won't be terribly much harder to address after two years than after 2 days.

You can wait until DH decides he's ready, then strategize -- and the sleep training process and the pain won't be much different than right now.

It might even be significantly easier, since as DS gets older, he'll have better planning ability to work for a reward, and you can offer something desirable for staying in his own bed all night (though you might need to start smaller and build).

WhatFor

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 7:17 am

amother Snapdragon wrote:

Wait, what? Surprised

OP, I probably don't need to tell you, but please don't do this.

As an aside, I'm assuming the child wants to be next to DH. This is not about the actual bed but being next to Daddy/Mommy. So not only is it crazy inappropriate to dtd in your toddler's bed (I can't even... so many reasons but I just can't even start) but if they left the room, I'm assuming child would just follow them.

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:03 am

WhatFor wrote:

Wait, what? Surprised

Op says he sometimes goes into DH bed after an hour, so if I’m understanding correctly DS goes into DH bed even if DH isn’t in bed yet. Im not suggesting using the toddler bed. Either put another bed in the room or go to any other room to dtd. My point wasn’t specifically to use their toddlers bed, your focusing on something insignificant.

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:39 am

I agree with your dh. It's healthy for your son to have that comfort as needed during the night. He's 3, which is still very little. And having a new baby often makes kids need that comfort more.

I allow my kids to come in to our beds until they are 9, but most of them stop on their own long before that. As long as it's not allowed to continue too long, it helps the kids feel secure.