Did your husband ask permission?

amother

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:29 pm

Please help me settle a debate. Did your husband speak with one or both of your parents to ask permission before you got engaged?

Notsobusy

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:31 pm

No my husband didn't speak to my parents before proposing to me. But there was a conversation between his parents, my parents and the shadchan. My parents agreed to the engagement, but they weren't asked permission.

amother

Amaranthus

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:32 pm

Noooooo.

What he told them is that he's getting engaged to me, and when they said they have to meet me first, he said he'd be happy to introduce us, but that he was marrying me, and that if they're smart, they won't voice any objections.

I met them, and they kept quiet, and we got engaged and married.

16 years later were still married, very happily, and they still quietly disapprove.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:32 pm

He asked my father, my parents are BT he thought they would appreciate it. I thought it was funny, would not expect future sil to do that.

amother

Apple

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:34 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

You’re referring to your husband asking his own parents permission, while OP was talking about asking the girl’s parents permission.
Interesting question, either way!

amother

Taupe

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:38 pm

I followed the standard yeshivish dating process, which meant that DH met my parents before the first date. Obviously he doesn't have to ask permission from my parents - it's clear my parents are involved and are sending me on the date with their permission.

OP, I'm assuming you come from very different circles where your parents must not be aware or involved in your dating.

amother

Zinnia

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:39 pm

My brother in law formally went to my father and requested the honour of his daughters hand in marriage.

My sister had already told him to agree.

No one considered it essential, but he knew my father well enough to know that he appreciates these formalities.

amother

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:42 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

No just from BT background so even though my parents were involved my father definitely would have appreciated it.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

No just from BT background so even though my parents were involved my father definitely would have appreciated it.

Are you saying dh didn't and you're married and still arguing about it?

If your parents will appreciate it and you know it I guess nudge the guy to do it. (Too late for you I know)

Otherwise, in yeshish circles, by sending their daughter on the date they are approving. By meeting w his parents and hashing out finances they are approving.
I'm assuming even more so in chssidish.
So no "asking".

For MO where the couple met on their own? I can see it.

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:50 pm

don't think so but my father was no longer alive. I think my brother in law might have for my husband's sister but my in-laws aren't frum and my bil's parents aren't either so he's more familiar with that world.

lamplighter

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:53 pm

My father agreeing with me dating him was his permission. If he didn't want me marrying him, he wouldn't let me date him.

amother

Navyblue

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:53 pm

That was almost 20 years ago and I have no recollection. I know the engagement itself (ie the day) came as a surprise to my parents. They definitely did not discuss that ahead of time and I was able to go home to my apartment and process myself rather than jumping into a L'chaim right away.

amother

Mint

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:54 pm

No. My parents were not supportive, but it didn't matter to me. It's my life, I'm the one who gets to decide who I marry.
5 years strong, I can confidently say that it didn't affect my relationship with DH at all.

amother

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:56 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

No we never even discussed it as it isn't an issue. It just randomly came up in a discussion today and I wanted to know what other people's experience was.

We are more like JPF so parents and shadchan were not super involved although we did meet each other's families early on.

amother

Hosta

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:57 pm

No, that's a Christian custom, not a Jewish one. Besides, if you're going the shidduchim route, your parents have ostensibly given their permission by letting it get to the stage of first date.

Chayalle

Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:57 pm

When we agree to send our DD out on a date with someone, we're basically agreeing to this should it end up in an engagement...

No, it's not done in our circles. I wasn't my father's property, DH didn't ask him for my hand....