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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
Did your husband your parents permission to marry you?
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Yes |
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30% |
[ 77 ] |
No |
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69% |
[ 175 ] |
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Total Votes : 252 |
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:29 pm
Please help me settle a debate. Did your husband speak with one or both of your parents to ask permission before you got engaged?
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Notsobusy
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:31 pm
No my husband didn't speak to my parents before proposing to me. But there was a conversation between his parents, my parents and the shadchan. My parents agreed to the engagement, but they weren't asked permission.
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amother
Amaranthus
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:32 pm
Noooooo.
What he told them is that he's getting engaged to me, and when they said they have to meet me first, he said he'd be happy to introduce us, but that he was marrying me, and that if they're smart, they won't voice any objections.
I met them, and they kept quiet, and we got engaged and married.
16 years later were still married, very happily, and they still quietly disapprove.
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amother
Kiwi
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:32 pm
He asked my father, my parents are BT he thought they would appreciate it. I thought it was funny, would not expect future sil to do that.
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amother
Burgundy
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:33 pm
It's not a Jewish custom.
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amother
Apple
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:34 pm
amother Amaranthus wrote: | Noooooo.
What he told them is that he's getting engaged to me, and when they said they have to meet me first, he said he'd be happy to introduce us, but that he was marrying me, and that if they're smart, they won't voice any objections.
I met them, and they kept quiet, and we got engaged and married.
16 years later were still married, very happily, and they still quietly disapprove. |
You’re referring to your husband asking his own parents permission, while OP was talking about asking the girl’s parents permission.
Interesting question, either way!
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amother
Ivory
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:37 pm
Yes bec I told him to but he didn’t have to and he felt stupid
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amother
Taupe
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:38 pm
I followed the standard yeshivish dating process, which meant that DH met my parents before the first date. Obviously he doesn't have to ask permission from my parents - it's clear my parents are involved and are sending me on the date with their permission.
OP, I'm assuming you come from very different circles where your parents must not be aware or involved in your dating.
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amother
Zinnia
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:39 pm
My brother in law formally went to my father and requested the honour of his daughters hand in marriage.
My sister had already told him to agree.
No one considered it essential, but he knew my father well enough to know that he appreciates these formalities.
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amother
Gray
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:39 pm
Yeshivish my husband asked my father but it was on the date when he picked me up to propose.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:42 pm
amother Taupe wrote: | I followed the standard yeshivish dating process, which meant that DH met my parents before the first date. Obviously he doesn't have to ask permission from my parents - it's clear my parents are involved and are sending me on the date with their permission.
OP, I'm assuming you come from very different circles where your parents must not be aware or involved in your dating. |
No just from BT background so even though my parents were involved my father definitely would have appreciated it.
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amother
Petunia
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:45 pm
No and 26 years later it still bothers my father.
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amother
Brunette
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:49 pm
amother OP wrote: | No just from BT background so even though my parents were involved my father definitely would have appreciated it. |
Are you saying dh didn't and you're married and still arguing about it?
If your parents will appreciate it and you know it I guess nudge the guy to do it. (Too late for you I know)
Otherwise, in yeshish circles, by sending their daughter on the date they are approving. By meeting w his parents and hashing out finances they are approving.
I'm assuming even more so in chssidish.
So no "asking".
For MO where the couple met on their own? I can see it.
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amother
Cornsilk
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:50 pm
don't think so but my father was no longer alive. I think my brother in law might have for my husband's sister but my in-laws aren't frum and my bil's parents aren't either so he's more familiar with that world.
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lamplighter
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:53 pm
My father agreeing with me dating him was his permission. If he didn't want me marrying him, he wouldn't let me date him.
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amother
Navyblue
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:53 pm
That was almost 20 years ago and I have no recollection. I know the engagement itself (ie the day) came as a surprise to my parents. They definitely did not discuss that ahead of time and I was able to go home to my apartment and process myself rather than jumping into a L'chaim right away.
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amother
Mint
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:54 pm
No. My parents were not supportive, but it didn't matter to me. It's my life, I'm the one who gets to decide who I marry.
5 years strong, I can confidently say that it didn't affect my relationship with DH at all.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:56 pm
amother Brunette wrote: | Are you saying dh didn't and you're married and still arguing about it?
If your parents will appreciate it and you know it I guess nudge the guy to do it. (Too late for you I know)
Otherwise, in yeshish circles, by sending their daughter on the date they are approving. By meeting w his parents and hashing out finances they are approving.
I'm assuming even more so in chssidish.
So no "asking".
For MO where the couple met on their own? I can see it. |
No we never even discussed it as it isn't an issue. It just randomly came up in a discussion today and I wanted to know what other people's experience was.
We are more like JPF so parents and shadchan were not super involved although we did meet each other's families early on.
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amother
Hosta
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:57 pm
No, that's a Christian custom, not a Jewish one. Besides, if you're going the shidduchim route, your parents have ostensibly given their permission by letting it get to the stage of first date.
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Chayalle
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Sun, Jul 02 2023, 12:57 pm
When we agree to send our DD out on a date with someone, we're basically agreeing to this should it end up in an engagement...
No, it's not done in our circles. I wasn't my father's property, DH didn't ask him for my hand....
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