Naming after relatives who weren't role models

amother

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 10:40 pm

Would you name after a relative who wasn't someone you'd want your child to grow up to be like, in order to make the family happy?

(In one case I don't like the name and it's unusual in our circles- that relative was a role model in middos but not yiras shamayim. In the other, I like the name ok and it's a common name, but the relative was very much not a role model in any way.)

amother

Hyssop

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 10:50 pm

We named DS two names - second name was after DH's grandfather - a good person, but not shomer mitzvot.
It is the name of a Navi as well, so we also had him in mind.
It's not a name we would have chosen as a single name, as we didn't like it so much, so we gave it as a second name.
Usually DS goes by first name only, but we often use second name as well, especially when we write his name.

amother

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 10:50 pm

I actually feel so resentful about this expectation.

I really want to give my child a meaningful name, a name that we chose because we liked it.

I don't want them to have some sort of spiritual connection to people who we'd never want them to learn from.

amother

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 10:57 pm

amother Bronze wrote:

Is it important to your husband ?

I've been trying to gauge that.
The first relative (the one who was at least a nice person) he has hakaras hatov to and I think feels more strongly about. (That's also the one with the unusual name that I don't like...)
The second one he had a difficult relationship with. It would definitely be more about making surviving relatives happy...

amother

Amaryllis

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 5:05 am

amother OP wrote:

In the same boat.
I hate the expectations of name giving in my circle.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 5:08 am

No. absolutely not.

We had this with 1 relative. We listened to all the suggestions, and we refused. It was my ex's side. We knew early on we had zero desire to name after that relative. They were not a person we wanted our child to be like.

ETA They had horrible middos. None of our families in recent generations were frum, so it wasn't that "kind" of issue bc that's not an issue for us when naming after family. But this was a very extreme bad middos situation.

Last edited by NotInNJMommy on Mon, Jul 17 2023, 5:31 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

NeonPink

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 5:08 am

No I can’t bring myself to name after someone who wasn’t a role model. Names have so much significance to me and I can’t put the burden of that name on my child. I’ve skipped a lot of names in my family tree because of that including a grandfather

amother

Gladiolus

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 5:14 am

Does the first person have a tanach name, or a name that can be translated? If so, I'd do it as a middle name, and choose the first name on your own. Or if you're comfortable enough, use it as is as a middle name.

We were guided by our rav to not name exactly when there is a relative who wasn't frum, died early, or other reasons. That includes adding a name, using only one of their names if there were two, etc.

amother

Bottlebrush

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 5:55 am

Dh father helped a lot of people out via his job. He did not have Jewish education and did not know many (most) halachos, but he was a role model in that area. He also tried to make peace whenever he could. We would definitely name after him if we have another boy

amother

Latte

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 7:01 am

We were in this situation with two grandparents, one from my side and one from dh's.
The one from dh's side was a good person but just didn't like the name, yet we were very feeling burdened because it had been a few years since his grandfather passed away and the name hadn't been given yet. We spoke to a rav. We gave it as a second name and call ds by the first name that we added which is a very meaningful name for us and also much more common.
The other one was a name we didn't like and a person we didn't name after. We used it as a second name and only call dc by the first name that we chose.
Even doing it this way very hard for me and it took me very long to accept the whole situation. I don't know if I would do it again or recommend it.
Both added names are from the Torah so we had in mind that we're naming for those people.

amother

Cornsilk

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 10:20 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

In the same boat.
I hate the expectations of name giving in my circle.

Same here. Since I was young I knew that if I had a boy first I'll have to name after my grandfather. I feel so resentful, like it's not my choice. Now I'm expecting my first and I'm not sure what I'll do.

amother

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 10:26 am

I was looking into the concept more and found this on aish.com:

Just really doesn't seem like a good enough reason to me, in a case where the name is unusual/parents don't like it OR the person wasn't an example.
Can't we do other things for the aliyah of their neshama?

I personally have an unusual name (not even named after someone, my parents just liked it) and I've always hated it. I don't want to saddle a child with one. Even as a middle name- I know people who are embarrassed to say their middle name.

tryinghard

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 11:46 am

We were told to not give the full name. So if the name was Avraham Yitzchak and he went by Izzy, we used the name Yitzchak but we named Yaakov Yitzchak after a (albeit further removed) relative who was the type of person we legitimately would want to name for. The relative was touched that we named for Izzy, and we just didn’t tell him we weren’t really making for him but for Yaakov Yitzchak.

amother

Feverfew

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 12:08 pm

amother Amaryllis wrote:

In the same boat.
I hate the expectations of name giving in my circle.

Same. I added a name and an offended very close relative didn't speak to me for over a year. Oh well, my child my choice.

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 2:14 pm

I was not comfortable naming after a relative who had a hard life and had a difficult personality but I wanted to do it as kibbud av vaeim. I was told that my husband should have other special people by the same name in mind when giving the name. That’s what we did and I’m enjoying the name now that I associate it with my baby.

Odelyah

Mon, Jul 17 2023, 2:54 pm

I didn't read through the thread OP but first of all, Mazel Tov!! As far as naming, we were told if we want to name for someone but they weren't shomer mitzvos, we should also have in mind for a tzaddik with that name. (Could be a rosh yeshiva, rebbetzin or someone from Tanach etc. We were also told we could have in mind for the person, plus the person they were named after, since the assumption is that they would have been an ehrliche shomer mitzvos.)

If you don't like the name, you can give an different name you like that has the same meaning. Like Ayala instead of Hinda, Tova instead of Gittel, etc..

Ultimately of course no one should pressure you as it is your and your husband's choice, but I will say it is a tremendous gift you can give if you can do it in a way you are comfortable with.