S/o $300k CLEANING HELP IS A LUXURY!

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amother

Butterscotch

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:32 am

nechamala wrote:

Reberzin Braunsteim used to say it’s a need. Better to serve tuna every night in order to pay for it I believe was how she put it.

Not sure hubby will be pleased with that LOL

amother

Daphne

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:36 am

I have executive functioning issues and so does my spouse. We worked very hard, use lots of tools and accomodations, have been to coaching or therapy, take medications when and if needed and we work it out.

We bought a wet dry vaccum that can sweep and mop in one. We are okay with things not being perfectly clean.

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:39 am

It might not be a need for you, but it is a need for me.
I’m a cheapskate and don’t spend half the money you spend on clothing, tuition, vacation, extras…. But 5 of my children are full time at home for various reasons, and my husband (a bigger cheapskate than me) recently threatened to cut our cleaning help, and I literally started planning my escape.
I wish I didn’t need it, I’m actually a very clean person, but there aren’t enough hours in the day, and I would be drowning in my dysfunction if I didn’t have the little bit of help I have.

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:42 am

amother Ultramarine wrote:

Be grateful that for you it is not a need

I absolutely am! For a long time, while we were dealing with an ongoing medical crisis, it was a need in our home and we hired help despite the debilitating cost. So I completely understand that it becomes a need at times.

What I’m protesting is posters here pushing cleaning help for everyone without knowing what’s going on in their lives because of course, cleaning a help is a need for everyone…

sara_s

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:42 am

amother OP wrote:

Disclaimer: I am talking about the average mom here. I am NOT talking about anyone who falls under any of these or similar categories: Mom of a SN child who makes cleanup impossible. Mom who has executive functioning issues. Mom who is mentally or physically unwell. Mom who has an absent/dysfunctional husband and needs to play all his roles along with her own. Etc. I know cleaning help can save a home from falling apart under these circumstances, but I'm talking about an average, functioning home.

When did cleaning help become a NEED for every single mom, working or not?

Do you have ANY idea how many women are dealing with either one or many of the situations you describe above (myself included)?!

I struggled with so much guilt at not being able to function at the "perfect mommy" level we constantly project in Frum society, until I accepted that this is my current life, and these are my limitations, and started doing anything and everything to make it easier- including twice a week cleaning help.

I'm tired of this assumption that the majority of frum women, the "average" frum woman as you put it- can cook and clean and raise an (often large) frum family and usually also work either full or part time.

Guess what? Many of us can't. And we are the "average" woman. Not that superwoman depicted in story books.

It's time we cut ourselves some slack. And time others do too.

thegiver

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:44 am

It’s not possible without cleaning help to have a clean home so best thing to do is… get help from within your home. Husband kids etc also settling for less perfection. This is part and parcel of having children. A clean house opens the mind. Settling for less means your family can remain functional because the chaos is part of raising a family of small children!

For mom Have a rotation so you don’t complete the whole house in one go. Ex wednesdays and thursdays laundry, daily dishes washed, trash cans emptied daily, Motzei shabbos everyone can help recover from shabbos, mondays bathrooms, wednesdays bedding, thursdays vacuum, Fridays mop, daily sweep floors.

I manage without outside cleaning help by having kids do chores. Otherwise it’s not fair to them (they need these life skills and it creates a learning curve when you start young) and I grow resentful if I am doing it all myself. I start them young. My 2 year old feels so confident when he can move the vacuum while it’s on. Never is a job perfect but it’s 5 minutes less of cleaning for me for each task. For instance, put away clean dishes, carry up/down laundry baskets, pick up toys, clean room, take out trash/recycling, vacuum etc. I offer tickets when jobs are done and on fridays a prize store.

My friend writes on the fridge on Erev shabbos : tub of ice cream by 3pm the following jobs completed: bathrooms, floors, made beds, tidy play area, table set write empty tic boxes
Love imma
That’s plenty of cleaning help for less than $10

Brilliant!

thegiver

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:45 am

Also I take down laundry baskets daily. That makes doing laundry a million times easier.

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:48 am

sara_s wrote:

Good for you for making the change you needed in your life. Wishing you continued strength.

And again, this isn’t a rally against cleaning help. It’s against turning it into a need for everyone to the point that it becomes acceptable to go into debt for that help.

100% we need to cut ourselves some slack. But maybe that means letting go of impossible cleaning standards for large busy households and not outsourcing it to others at a price we can’t afford.

And I’m also tired. I’m tired of our community turning everything into a need. It’s almost embarrassing to say you don’t have help these days…

WitchKitty

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:57 am

I don't have a cleaning lady. And most people around me don't. It isn't as much of a 'need' in Israel.
But I still understand that some things are needs to certain people.
I also think that a calm mom and food on the table is better than a clean house every day. But some people can't feel that way. There are many people who won't be calm until their house is clean, and if they have to clean they won't have time to be calm, so cleaning help is the only option.
Also, if you're not cleaning and don't have help, you won't have clean dishes. And you'll need disposables, and then we'll get a 'disposables is not a need' thread Very Happy

amother

Lightblue

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:57 am

I don't know why everyone is up in arms against OP. This is the attitude she's ranting against.

No one said you shouldn't have cleaning help IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT. Either you make enough money, or prioritize cleaning help over other things.

If it's putting you into debt, you might want to consider how much it's a need for you, or if you need to cut somewhere else.

Sheesh.

amother

Catmint

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 4:00 am

OP, would you put your money where your mouth is?

Would you come to my house and not judge me for the cobwebs or the grime?

Would you eat my food even though the kitchen floor is far from pristine?

Would you be able to accept and not be grossed out by my bathrooms?

If you do subscribe to the perfectly clean house as essential, then cleaning help (which a majority need to reach that standard) is also essential.

(Similar: Most of us agree that bread is essential. Although some can make sufficient bread from scratch, we don't consider store-bought bread a luxury. We understand that a majority of women simply cannot make enough bread every day.)

sub

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 4:06 am

amother OP wrote:

I am so ticked off by the recent threads.

Let me shout it from the rooftops: CLEANING HELP IS A LUXURY!

For SAHMs
For WAHMs
For WOHMs

It is a luxury.

It's okay for someone who is deeply in debt to let their help go. Some can afford to hire someone to do their dirty work for them, and some cannot. It's the way of the world.

You can argue that it is necessary for the working mom who is out most of the day, or for the exhausted mom with a large family who can't keep up with the housework, and yes, sometimes (maybe often) it should be given priority on the family budget over other discretionary expenses like expensive clothing, takeout and dry cleaning.

It's important.

It makes mom's life so much easier.

It keeps the household running smoothly.

But so do a lot of other things. Like takeout twice a week, daily outings with friends, luxury vacations whenever the desire to get away from the daily grind arises. But we all understand doing without these things if we can't afford it. So why is it different with cleaning help??

I just don't get people who say it's a need.

Who says a spotless house is a need? Who says it's ok to go into debt so you can go to sleep every night with an immaculate kitchen?

I work. I have a large family. Of course I'd love lots of cleaning help, but I understand that we just can't afford it right now. So we make it work somehow.

For all of you who can afford your help (even if it's a tight squeeze) and love having that help and wouldn't survive without it, I'm thrilled for you. Really.

But for all others, to just hire (expensive!) help as is so often advised on this site when you're already not making it through the month just to make your life easier? How is that okay?

Disclaimer: I am talking about the average mom here. I am NOT talking about anyone who falls under any of these or similar categories: Mom of a SN child who makes cleanup impossible. Mom who has executive functioning issues. Mom who is mentally or physically unwell. Mom who has an absent/dysfunctional husband and needs to play all his roles along with her own. Etc. I know cleaning help can save a home from falling apart under these circumstances, but I'm talking about an average, functioning home.

When did cleaning help become a NEED for every single mom, working or not?

LET ME SHOUT YOU DOWN. NOPE. NEVER. NO.
I rarely had cleaning help for my own reasons. But it is NOT A LUXURY, to have help for a few hours. It is important for the sanity of the mom and other members.
And I will say this with my user name- which I am not usually comfortable with.

amother

Ultramarine

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 4:14 am

Best for each to make her own heshbonos for herself and her family and leave others to do the same for themselves.

amother

Wallflower

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 4:18 am

OP I couldn't agree more!!!! It's honestly embarrassing how it's seen as an absolute necessity in this site!

amother

Violet

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 4:20 am

OP, are you gonna post next that privat school is a luxury and not a need? As frum people we make lots of decisions in life. Technically speaking private school is a huge luxury for most of the world. Kids in Africa can’t even go to school and we’re kvetching about tuition. But for us private school is a necessity. Will you tell people who need tuition breaks to send to public school or homeschool?

amother

Melon

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 4:28 am

We managed without it until my husband had to start going into work on Friday (yes my husband used to clean), but someone's gotta: change the sheets, wash the stove and kitchen floor, clean the bathrooms, etc. and with both of us working full time (we both walk in 2 hours before shabbos) there's just no time to do it. It's either cleaning help or buying prepared food for shabbos and I'd rather eat my own food. We did cut down to only every other week though.

amother

Mauve

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 4:33 am

amother Babyblue wrote:

You did put a disclaimer at the end, and I hate to break it to you - but a lot of people fall under the categories you listed.

I'm a mom with executive function issues, and although I am super successful in my work life, I am the worst homemaker known to man.

My family would be considered in the top 1% of dysfunctional families if not for my cleaning help. It is NOT a luxry for a lot of people. Be thankful you can manage without the help, but a lot of people can't.

Just going to add, I have a family member that thinks im spoiled rotten because of all the help I have, she doesn't realize how necessary it is, and as long as she isn't in my shoes she has no right to judge me.

My family arguably “needs” cleaning help by these standards. However, I am with OP that cleaning help is a luxury. People may come to our house and think it is a wreck because we don’t have cleaning help. Judge away. Having a spotless house that you pay for isn’t a necessity in my book. I have a full household and could not cope with someone in my space cleaning. Plus IMHO it does not teach kids to clean up after themselves.

Cleaning help is a luxury that most don’t have. I know non-Jewish big families where both parents work and they don’t have cleaning help. It is laughable how our community views cleaning help as a need. It is a wonderful asset but not a need. People just aren’t prepared to be seen in less than spotless houses. That is a choice.

amother

Raspberry

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 4:36 am

OP, I agree with you so much. I think it is only in some of the frum world that it is a must. The rest of the world manages without cleaning help. I havent ever heard the need for cleaning help the way Ive heard about it on this site.

camp123

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 4:54 am

I think cleaning help is probably a necessity for people, however I agree you can't go into debt for it. Debt will always catch up with you. Unfortunately if you don't have the money summertimes you have to go without necessities. Or, you have to figure out how to earn more money so you can pay for it. Debt is never a solution.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 5:07 am

amother Lightblue wrote:

Pretty much this.

This goes for vacations, expensive frum clothing, eating meat and take out often etc.

If you can afford it I'm not judging you. You spend your money as you wish. If you are spending money you don't have you need to prioritize what's important.

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