Parenting methods confusion

amother

Wheat

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

Let's say you tell a kid they need to clean up after playing a game, otherwise you aren't going to the park. Or they need to clean their room, otherwise they can't have a friend over. Or that they need to speak respectfully, otherwise you won't respond. Or they beg you to dress them (at age 6) and you say you know they can dress themselves and you don't keep going to them. Is that all ok? It feels really mean.

This is not mean at all as long as it's done in a calm unemotional manner.

Personally, I try to stay away from this type of conditioning. I'm not sure I can put my finger on exactly what bothers me so much about it. Maybe it's just triggering me personally. I prefer to say, we're almost ready to go to the park right after the game is cleaned up!! Or sure you can have a friend over as soon as you clean up your room.

I won't say I never talk like your examples to my kids. I sure do sometimes. I'm just showing you another side where you can sometimes be a bit more positive instead of always being negative.

flowerpower

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

First of all- rephrase the sentence- “once the game is packed away were going to the park”. No threats! Big difference for the kid. Second of all- if the kid is 6 and asks to be dressed dress em. Whats the big deal? Its a way of getting love. I don’t think they’ll ask you to dress them forever. Or you can say” you put on the shell and I’ll help you with the jumper”….

amother

Daisy

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:28 pm

Ok, I am going to post here although every time I read a post about parenting or identifying solutions to behavioral challenges, feeding, or parenting, I am called out for mentioning the therapists that have helped me empower myself. I found the Guttman sisters last November and everything has changed for me. In fact, this morning they just spoke about your question! so I'm sharing...

They explain that the reason why some parenting approaches work and some don't is that it is dependant on your physiology and your child's. So some people will say how amazing gentle parenting is or other approaches and it may not work in the long run because it doesn't resonate with you and/or your child can't receive it.

Their approach? Identify and understand the physiology of your child - how they process information, communicate, and react. Recognize how you are and then respond. Your intuition is always right but you may not know WHAT to do. Get guidance that is specific and not general.

I have learned so much from them in the last half a year. They have so much insight and everyone who has seen my children have seen such changes in their behavior and our entire family dynamic. I really recommend you listen to their weekly talks and follow them, read their blog, and join their membership when you can. (It's only open once a year. Their talks are available all year around.) But get started understanding this so that you can help yourself.

Ok - I've been called out that maybe I work for them but I don't. I just want more people to know about them. They are so honest and insightful, I'm surprised more people in the frum world don't know about them.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:30 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

I like that. I tend to go to both extremes. Have a hard time being soft when I'm being authoritative.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 4:27 pm

My 6 and a half year old had a huge meltdown because I wasn't giving her the cocoa she wanted. I waited till she was calm enough to speak respectfully and ask for it. It took about 20 minutes. Was this ok? Afterwards I told her that I know in the past I let this behavior slide but she is big now and it's not going to be acceptable any more. I asked if she wants to practice ways to speak respectfully as she said she already knows.

ftm1234

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 4:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Nothing less than 100% normal.

I mean, do you think it would be more "normal" if after 10 minutes of screaming you're like "Oh sure honey, here's the cocoa you want!"

And she learns that if she only screams and tantrums long enough Mommy will give her what she wants.

#BestBubby

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 4:46 pm

You have three choices

Be authoritative and use rewards and /or consequences. You need to have confidence that mild punishing is not detrimental and just because your child is upset about your rules, not detrimental.

OR

Be collaborative and negotiate, which probably means heavy bribing to get some cooperation and letting the child do what she wants if she is very stubborn.

OR

Just give in to every tantrum and let child do whatever she wants.

Pick one and stick to it. Most important is consistency.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 4:51 pm

ftm1234 wrote:

It's not that. But maybe I should just let her be rude and disrespectful and model respectful speech. Maybe there's another way to teach her that without having her get so upset, without hurting her.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 4:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's not that. But maybe I should just let her be rude and disrespectful and model respectful speech. Maybe there's another way to teach her that without having her get so upset, without hurting her.

She's 6. She's not a newborn that doesn't understand. It will hurt her terribly if you jumped every time she yelled and cried for whatever she wants. Please don't cripple her for life by leading her down a path of thinking she can just yell and the world comes running with whatever she wants.

BrisketBoss

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 4:59 pm

You don't need to 'give consequences' to have an authoritative style. Actually I think they're more of a crutch for parents who lack conviction without them. It's important to have confidence and to feel your authority within you so that your kids feel it too.

Sometimes a 'logical consequence' makes sense but it should be casual. Not imposed, not held over the child's head. Often nothing need be said at all.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:07 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

This is the kind of comment that makes me feel guilty...

BrisketBoss

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is the kind of comment that makes me feel guilty...

Yes, this is common in these contexts but unfortunate. No one is trying to make you feel bad, which wouldn't help anything anyway. Ideally we should take these comments and think, "Huh, that's a new perspective. Maybe I could take something from it."

The perfect parent doesn't exist.

smss

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can you walk us through what happened? How did she ask, what did you respond, what happened next...? When you originally said no, was it because you didn't want her to have it or because of the way she asked?

smss

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am a very connected parent and it has great benefits. My kids are also difficult and one very much I get the feeling is wanting to be in control of the house and specifically with me, to get her own way. I have read many parenting books and taken courses. I resonate with the authoritative styles, for example, Sara Chana Radcliffe, but have a hard time when it comes to consequences. I feel afraid that I am hurting my child. I have been following a gentle parenting coach and although I like a lot of it, it feels like it's stripping parental authority. The last book I got is from Cathy Glass, who is a foster carer and I also really like her style until she punishes. I feel stuck.

When you say following a gentle parenting coach, do you mean on social media? That's very different from taking a course or working with someone 1:1. And absolutely pieces of the approach can be easily misinterpreted.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:19 pm

smss wrote:

"I don't like that kind of cocoa!! Give me the kind I like!!" Then I told her that I can help her if she speaks respectfully. "But you know that I want!! I don't want to!!" Then I mosly ignored her. A few times I reminded her that I need to her to speak respectfully and I will help her out

She's been like this from the moment she was born
Screamed bloody murder when I was trying to nurse her. When she was 1 and a half and I left her blanket by mistake by her Morah, she screamed in the car.

smss

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

"Oh, you want this kind? 'Mommy, can you give me this kind instead please?'"

Depending what kind of state the kid was in and whether I felt like it was a chinuch moment or not, I might or might not try to get them to repeat those words themselves.

6 is still young when it comes to remembering please and thank you. When a child is dysregulated to the point of meltdown, they're not really in learning mode anyway.

BrisketBoss

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ok, so this is the kind of thing where if you get to a place where you can do it authentically, it's best to model graciousness. Kids learn through modeling, so if they hear other people being respectful and if they aren't given any pressure to push back against, they do get there eventually. Kids grow out of demanding food as surely as they grow out of saying "I hate you Mommy, you're not my best friend anymore."

One thing you can do is rephrase for them in your answer. Obviously not in a sarcastic way or anything. "Oh, you don't want that kind right now? You want this one, please? I would be happy to get that for you."

flowerpower

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:57 pm

6 is an age where they understand to speak respectful. I also have a 6 year old drama queen that can have meltdowns. If you want them to respect you as a parent as a teen it starts now. Not then. If my 6 year old tells me rudely to give her something I’ll model the words and hope she’ll change her wording to nicer words.