What is wrong with me? RE grandkids

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 11:13 pm

Sort of a spin-off on something someone else wrote tonight. I absolutely love being a mother to my children but now that my children are getting older and some being married, some of them with children, I'm finding that I just don't love this phase of life. I see people all around me bragging about their grandchildren and how much they love them and love them more than their own children and isn't this the best phase in life.... Personally, I feel like I finally just finished being a mother to young children and was looking forward to this next chapter of life and moving on and although I do love my grandchildren I don't really look forward to spending so much time with them and feel a bit resentful at being expected to help out and watch them from time to time. I know that sounds selfish but I was just getting over the whining crying not sleeping baby stages and just don't want to go back there again! I feel like a terrible person so I can't tell anybody irl, does anyone else feel this way?

amother

Hawthorn

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 11:16 pm

I'm sorry, it makes sense. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Maybe they didn't just get out of the whining stage and had some quiet time and you need more time. It's ok. Give yourself the space if you are able to.

amother

Bottlebrush

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 11:16 pm

Nope.
Mil loves cooking for the grandkids, and buying them presents.
But actually caring for them?
Nope.
She's very happy to give them right back to their parents as soon they have any needs.

She's a wonderful person, and done this stage.

amother

Dustypink

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 11:17 pm

On the flip side, my mother hated being a mother and was pretty neglectful (physical & emotional neglect), and she seems to be trying to make up for it by being the world's best grandmother. It's painful for me at times. At least you loved being your actual kids' Mommy, that's more important in my opinion!

amother

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 11:18 pm

Thank you for these validations! I guess I'm just feeling guilty because I want to be that type of grandmother but just don't feel it deep down so I fake it

amother

Orchid

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 11:18 pm

I had a grandmother who conceded better with us as we got older

Maybe you will enjoy your grandchildren more as they get older.

imaima

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 12:56 am

amother OP wrote:

You sound burnt out.
Did you have a break between kids and grandkids? I have a friend who is an older one from 11 kids and her mom didn’t help her much with her kids because she was as just being done with raising her younger siblings.

amother

Milk

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 1:01 am

So funny, I just started reading The Best is Yet to Be and it has articles saying exactly this. You're not alone OP!

amother

Nemesia

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 1:06 am

amother OP wrote:

My mil is resentful at my husband because he can't drop everything to rescue her as he used to do.... now he has kids and a wife and work and bills etcetera...
It became a very very hard relationship. From time to time he is able to help her, but she us upset that not so often.
Please don't end up like that.

amother

Sunflower

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:41 am

My mother loves being an empty nester. She barely hosts us and doesn't take care of grandchildren. She did her time with her own children and she still works and fills her time in other ways. She relates more to the older grandchildren - she likes playing adult board games and helping with homework, not playing lego and reading Dr Seuss.

We accept her for who she is.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:48 am

One of my grandmothers does much better with teens and the other is much better with little kids

Find the ways to enjoy them that feels good for you.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 5:06 am

Op I hear you.
you are in a transition stage and many do feel like you do. Please do things for yourself that you never had time to do and create more of a balance. Things may shift again or not. You can establish ways in which you do have a relationship with the grandkids without taking care of them in ways that feel too much for you right now. Whatever others may or may not expect or do may not be what is right for you. Let go of the guilt.
Many feel as you do and find ways to set boundaries that work for them. Everyone will learn that you can say no and that you are not always available. Don't compare yourself to any one else. Do what is right for you right now. You cannot keep giving if you are yourself depleted. Replenish yourself. It is ok to take care of yourself!
This is a very important topic! Find friends/ family peers you can confide in.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 5:25 am

Also nothing is wrong with you!
You can acknowledge to your kids and anyone else that right now you are feeling very tired, maybe you will go for a check up etc., and can't do as much right now as you wish you could and have to take a break or limit some things for now, rest more etc. whatever works for you to say
you are doing yourself and your whole family a favor you want to have many years of health and happiness together
hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Steel

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 8:55 am

Totally can relate. As a mom to a large family who had another baby after two grandchildren were born (!) I never really ended one role and moved into the next. Fast forward 20 years- now that the grandkids are getting older (although BH some kids are having babies yet)- I am not that bragging grandma, but love spending quality time with them- Shabbosim, trips, Yomim
Tovim-

I work full time in a very demanding job so I am not hands-on and I totally get the feeling of somehow not being "bubby of the year". Now that two of my kids are grandparents - one feels the need to prove to me constantly how tirelessly devoted she is to HER grandkids ( she is a SAHM and quite wealthy)....competition never seems to abate...

amother

Yarrow

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 8:59 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for these validations! I guess I'm just feeling guilty because I want to be that type of grandmother but just don't feel it deep down so I fake it

Totally fine. My mother nor mil never babysat my kids...my mother buys a nice gift when I have a baby and thats all...my mil does a little bit more...but never to the extend of babysitting (even when I was in the hospital with a kid my parents/ in laws didn't even offer to take a kid and I never resented it )

amother

Lemon

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:06 am

OP, nothing is wrong with you.
My mother and my MIL do not babysit the grandchildren. They're out of the baby stage and don't have the energy and patience to babysit.
They do plenty grandparent stuff, just no babysitting.

amother

Olive

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:06 am

amother OP wrote:

Yup, and it's totally normal. We've spent so much of our lives giving to our families, that we've never really had an opportunity just to be our plain old selves. We get married young and start families immediately, and were never our own person. So it's a very normal to feel like this. Some people are naturally family oriented - and raising children is their very own person. So they don't have this need for some space and breathing room. But were not all like that. For many of raising children is not being our very own person. It is something that we do, something that we want, and is obviously very rewarding, but our personas need something else too. So when we finally get to the place where we can actually act upon it, we gravitate towards it that something else.

That doesn't mean we don't absolutely love our grandchildren.

amother

Azalea

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:50 am

My mom was like this. She was burnt out from raising a super large family and just didn't grandparent.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 10:13 am

DH's mother (who I never met) announced to DH and his 1st wife that they shouldn't count on baby sitting services. And she was a kindergarten teacher and had in total four kids of her own.
You have finished child raring and in so your don't owe anyone anything. Do what is good for you. Put up clear boundaries.

giftedmom

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:04 am

The whole idea of being a grandmother is to have the fun parts without the daily grind. To spoil without worrying about chinuch, and to enjoy the giggles without dealing with the tantrums. You do you, no pressure.
I wish my kids had grandparents close by that enjoyed them and were proud of their accomplishments. I don’t expect anyone to actually care for them. That’s my job.

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