Dinner for neighbor

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:10 pm

My neighbor just had a baby and her friend reached out to me that she wants to do a meal train for her and if I would like to contribute

I was going to send her breakfast one day but decided ill go all out and do a nice dinner
I prepared a very big meal with some extras that she can have for the day after as well

The night before, her frnd txtd me that my neighbor is away and the dinner is for her husband and 2 little kids kids only

Idk why but I was kinda miffed
Honestly I would not have prepared such a lavish spread at all
When preparing meals for a kimpeturin I usually have in mind the mainly the mom (obviously I prepare enough for the fam as well)

I would have either waited for when shes back or just sent basic dinner, or mayb not offered at all

Thoughts?

amother

Hawthorn

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:14 pm

Yeah id feel the same
When ppl make dinner they make it primarily because the woman just gave birth and can use a hot cooked meal with maybe even enough for leftovers for next day lunch
The husband can scramble eggs or go for pizza
I wouldnt go out of my way to make a husband and 2 kids supper

Queen Of Hearts

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:17 pm

I would be miffed, too.
You should've been told this info at first.
I guess look at the bright side. You did your duty and you're off the hook till next time.
For the future just make sure to clarify exactly who you're cooking for.

amother

Peach

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:39 pm

amother Seafoam wrote:

The family needs to eat as well.

I'd be annoyed that the mother didn't get to enjoy it but happy the family has a meal.

The father should be able to make dinner like frozen pizza or scrambled eggs or buy .
I would be super upset if I worked hard and the kimpeturin herself wasn’t there .

Goody2shoes

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:44 pm

amother Peach wrote:

The father should be able to make dinner like frozen pizza or scrambled eggs or buy .
I would be super upset if I worked hard and the kimpeturin herself wasn’t there .

I wouldn't expect a father to make dinner on his own but I'd still like to know who I'm making it for and how fancy a meal it needs to be.

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:47 pm

alwayssmiling wrote:

I wouldn't expect a father to make dinner on his own but I'd still like to know who I'm making it for and how fancy a meal it needs to be.

This
I would be more than happy to make dinner for the father and kids
But I would not have spend so much time and effort on it if I would know that mom is not there

amother

Mocha

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:48 pm

I would want to know who I am making dinner for. Honestly though, I think lots of meal trains are not ok. I've seen ones with baby nurses, parents etc.
We had one in my neighborhood, family has two little kids. Meal train for 8 ppl.
Mother, father, two kids, baby nurse, grandmother, grandfather and aunt.
I was kind of annoyed. And it's not the only one I've seen to include grandparents or baby nurses .....

amother

Peach

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:50 pm

alwayssmiling wrote:

I wouldn't expect a father to make dinner on his own but I'd still like to know who I'm making it for and how fancy a meal it needs to be.

Why can’t a father make something basic or buy? He can figure out tuna sandwiches . The whole reason you send to a kimpeturin is because she is weak and needs a good meal for kochos and breastfeeding . We feed the family while we are at it. But if she’s not there , why would the father not be able to do a small dinner , basic. They don’t need a hot meal. It’s the kimpeturin that is the focus.

amother

Amber

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:55 pm

alwayssmiling wrote:

I wouldn't expect a father to make dinner on his own but I'd still like to know who I'm making it for and how fancy a meal it needs to be.

A mother can make dinner 1-2 weeks postpartum, while caring for and possibly nursing a newborn

But a healthy father cannot ever make dinner on his own

Make it make sense

watergirl

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:56 pm

amother Peach wrote:

Because everyone meets the expectations that they are expected to meet. If a man is never expected to make dinner, he won't. If he is told he is not capable, he will believe he is not capable.

My future DILs will IYH be very happy with my sons, whom I have taught from a young age to help me in the kitchen. Each of my kids, boys included, has one night every month or more where they make dinner. My youngest son is under bar mitzvah and makes the best lasagna, seriously better than I've ever been able to do. They do this because it's important to me that everyone of my kids is competent in the kitchen. I consider it to be a very real life skill for all of my kids to have and I see it as my job to teach them. Also BH, they see my husband cooking as well. On erev shabbos, I assign a cooking job and a cleaning job to everyone in the house.

OP, I am SO with you. I would be very frustrated if I was in your situation.

Last edited by watergirl on Wed, Aug 16 2023, 1:00 pm; edited 1 time in total

watergirl

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 12:59 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

We had one in my neighborhood, family has two little kids. Meal train for 8 ppl.
Mother, father, two kids, baby nurse, grandmother, grandfather and aunt.

You have to know where your own red line is. When I see this kind of mealtrain, I don't volunteer and save my energy and money for the ones without local family.

amother

Peach

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 1:00 pm

watergirl wrote:

Because everyone meets the expectations that they are expected to meet. If a man is never expected to make dinner, he won't. If he is told he is not capable, he will believe he is not capable.

My future DILs will IYH be very happy with my sons, whom I have taught from a young age to help me in the kitchen. Each of my kids, boys included, has one night every month or more where they make dinner. My youngest son is under bar mitzvah and makes the best lasagna, seriously better than I've ever been able to do. They do this because it's important to me that everyone of my kids is competent in the kitchen. I consider it to be a very real life skill for all of my kids to have and I see it as my job to teach them. Also BH, they see my husband cooking as well.

OP, I am SO with you. I would be very frustrated if I was in your situation.

I grew up Chasidish and my father and brothers all cooked. My DH also grew up that way and he and my boys always cook. And my FIL cooked as well.
It is very hard to believe that a guy is incapable of making scrambled eggs , cream cheese sandwiches, tuna or pasta . I really think this is a form of taking advantage of someone’s chesed .

Queen Of Hearts

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 1:01 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

That's insane!

amother

Daisy

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 1:01 pm

Many fathers are generally capable of rustling up supper, but just after birth is difficult. The kids aren't themselves and are missing their mother, they may be going to work and walking in late, they may be up with the baby too and getting no naps. And yes, they are likely not used to running the whole household on their own, even if they could easily do a few parts of it at a time.

watergirl

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 1:04 pm

amother Peach wrote:

I agree with you. And also I think it's very important to point out that this concept of a man not being able to cook or make a simple meal is not limited to a sect of Jews, it's something we see across the spectrum. Learned incompetence, weaponized incompetence, or something else - it's not a chassidish, yeshivish, sefardic thing. Some men will take this idea and run with it, and many women are more than happy to encourage it.