Don't bring your kids

amother

Latte

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 8:49 pm

I think it's bizarre and rude to not invite the entire close family. Kal vchomer travelling in from out of town.

My husband's first cousin made a bar mitzvah, and invited us but did not send a reply card. Meaning, we would be invited to say mazel tov at the kiddish but not to meals, no mention of sleeping arrangements, etc. I thought this was odd and off-putting, coming from a closeknit and loving family. All the first cousins would be invited to a family simcha. If they would be willing to travel, it is always an honor and excitement we would be happy to help them with all accommodations etc. But to each his own.

But your situation is next level.

I'm shocked at how many posters think this is normal and acceptable! It just goes to show that every family has its own dynamics. Including how close they want to be with (what they see as) their "extended" family. No one will never fully understand the in law family dynamics.

amother

Clover

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 8:51 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I was under the impression (and apparently so were many others here) that OP brought the little kids anyway, hoping to bring them to the wedding until she got a text from the family the day before, reiterating that she shouldn’t bring them.

If that wasn’t the plan I’m not sure why OP would take the little kids through the whole travel thing just to have to stay in the hotel room with them instead of going to the wedding.

Op please can you clarify

amother

Whitewash

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 8:53 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

We never invite children under 10 to a Bar Mitzvah or Sheva Brachos. It would just be too noisy with too many kids & full of strollers & look like a kindergarten instead of a simcha. There's nothing wrong with your sister in law not inviting little kids & I think it's quite obnoxious to say that if little kids can't go, you won't go either. Kids don't have to be invited everywhere their parents are invited. Part of being a parent is figuring out child care when needed. There needs to be quiet at times during a bar mitzvah and that's not possible if there are little children.

Sorry a Shabbat bar mitzvah or sheva brachos is either for parents and their children or none of them.

If you don't want to invite the kids, then make it during the week.

I've never heard of people making a bar mitzvah on Shabbos and not inviting children. Especially children from out of town. Who does that?!

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 8:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

This. For an evening in town of course just arrange babysitting. But for an out of town over a weekend wedding where you are literally flying there ?
Me personally I don't understand it..

But you knew your little kids weren't invited when you flew them all out there, right?

I guess I'm confused whether you're upset that your little kids weren't invited in the first place, or whether you're upset that your whole family flew out and then the hosts didn't provide babysitting and sent you a rude text about not bringing your kids.

If you knew your kids weren't invited, what did you think was going to happen?

amother

Whitewash

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 8:57 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

You can fly in with your kids and find childcare arrangements there. As if there's no eiruv in that city. People that live in a city with no eiruv, or don't use the eiruv, still go to simchos. They figure it out.

I had a sibling's wedding last year in a city where there was no eiruv. My baby was at a stage where he was petrified to be with strangers, and yes, my husband and I switched off sheva brachos to be with him. We're parents first and foremost.

amother

Whitewash

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 8:57 pm

And eiruv is only relevant for babies, it's different to leave a baby who has no concept of Shabbos, than to be away from children for a Shabbos meal.

Also, some people get non-Jews to push their strollers when there's no eiruv. (Not everyone holds of doing it, but just pointing out that your 'make it work like when there's an eiruv' is flawed.)

amother

Hunter

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 8:59 pm

I'm with you op, it's so very hurtful to be implied that they'd rather you don't come then bring along children (of course for small simchas it may not make sense to bring an extra person, I mean larger events). Btdt repeatedly with one of my SIL's & always just for wanting to bring 1 nursing infant. We are otherwise a very warm family.

When I made a small simcha in my (smallish) home & heard one of my siblings couldn't come because they would have their kids with them, I called them immediately begging to come with kids & all, yes space was super tight but FAMILY!! what's the point of hosting a nice simcha while some feel unwanted? Priorities!

amother

Magnolia

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 9:00 pm

amother Latte wrote:

I just think it's weird to invite half of someone's kids. Invite just the parents? Totally fine, assuming this is what you did for the other similarly related families (ex: we're inviting aunts and uncles from this side but not cousins due to lack of space). Of course, not inviting kids, especially for a simcha guests need to travel to, means the parents might choose not to come either. That's the trade-off.

amother

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 9:01 pm

To respond to all the questions....
No I never intended on bringing them to the wedding. I have no idea how they found out we brought them to their city and their text a day before the wedding seemed a bit off ...like who freaks out that kids gasp will be brought to a wedding and makes sure to send a message when I'm sure there are a million other things to take care of. Just seemed like they really over did it. I spoke to another sister in law who said they texted her 3 times to remind her. She said chill I wasn't planning on bringing them in the first place. They said we just want confirmation your not bringing them. When they texted us the day before we responded no worries we have a babysitter. That was it. We didn't create issues for them.

Why did I bring them through all the travel ? Because happens to be I have a relative from my side of the family here and to me I was excited to go visit her and hang out with her ...my husband could go to the wedding and I could go to my relative with the little kids. And we could all enjoy for the other 4 and a half days.

I did run in for 10 min to say mazel tov and did bring my little baby with me . Got the nastiest look from my mother and sister in law. Mother in law wouldn't even look at baby her own grandchild. The first thing she said to me wasn't hi or so nice to see you but rather where are the little kids? You found a babysitter? I said sweetly don't worry they're not here.

At a wedding. Just seems like a hyper focus on the wrong thing. Enjoy your grandkids wedding. Breathe a little.

amother

Hunter

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 9:07 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

But it does come up every week for people that don't have an eiruv or don't use an eiruv. And they make it work.

Or they miss simchas- happens very often. Other times they guilt their host or some distant acquaintance to babysit for them which is obnoxious.

All from personal experience.

amother

Chicory

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 9:10 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

Or they miss simchas- happens very often. Other times they guilt their host or some distant acquaintance to babysit for them which is obnoxious.

All from personal experience.

I don't think that many people that live a in a city without an eiruv, miss their own siblings simcha. I'm sure people do, but I don't think it's common. It's part of life. We make it work.

amother

Chicory

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 9:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your relatives behavior is just weird. I don't know anyone that cares so much about kids being at a wedding. Weddings are generally full of children.

amother

Thistle

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 9:12 pm

I have family members similar to yours. I can’t explain it but the way they interact with me gives off nasty vibes. I mostly stay out of their way and it’s better for everyone’s mental health but sometimes interactions have to happen. They always leave me with a sour taste in my mouth. No I’m not this entitled brat who expects her kids to be invited everywhere etc but that doesn’t give them the right to be nasty about it either.
ETA I think it’s a matter of them feeling like they’re in control of the world. If they feel slightly out of control they go mad.

asmileaday

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 9:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Oh my that is super weird and not normal.