Don't bring your kids

amother

Chicory

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:03 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

I had this with my sister in law last year. She made an extremely fancy bar mitzva and she didn’t want kids. I told her if my little ones can’t come, I’m not coming either. It was over a weekend, so she wanted me to leave my two little ones from Wednesday- Sunday. I didn’t go. If my kids cannot be part of the simcha and I’m expected to find arrangements for over the weekend for a 4 yo and a 2 yo then I can’t join. She understood that she made the choice of me not being there and that was that. I wouldn’t dare show up to her state with my little ones after clearly being told not to. Op I think thats where your mistake was. If you were told very clearly not to bring them, why did you? You should have stayed home with them. With all the pain and frustration, in my opinion you shouldn’t have brought them.

We never invite children under 10 to a Bar Mitzvah or Sheva Brachos. It would just be too noisy with too many kids & full of strollers & look like a kindergarten instead of a simcha. There's nothing wrong with your sister in law not inviting little kids & I think it's quite obnoxious to say that if little kids can't go, you won't go either. Kids don't have to be invited everywhere their parents are invited. Part of being a parent is figuring out child care when needed. There needs to be quiet at times during a bar mitzvah and that's not possible if there are little children.

tichellady

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:07 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

It’s weird to expect parents to spend Shabbat away from their kids. That’s not a normal childcare situation most people can easily pull off and many people don’t want to be away from their kids on Shabbat. I totally disagree with you

CPenzias

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:07 pm

This reminds me of when my first cousin got married years ago and my 3 older siblings were invited but not me and I was so hurt. My mom called my grandmother and my aunt said it was a money issue but I was invited in the end.
My point is, I understand you. I think it's weird that you were treated that way. And I don't think you need to let anyone know you're bringing your kids into the vicinity lol. Mazel tov. Only simchas

amother

Tealblue

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:13 pm

First cousins are usually invited. I would think it's very off if they weren't. I'm at the stage that my first cousins are getting married now and what I do is depending on when the wedding is and if I can figure out babysitting or not. I will call my aunt or uncle and ask if I could bring my children. Honestly most of the time they don't care. We just had a family bar mitzvah and they were not at all careful on the invitation about who they were inviting. They just put an invite on a WhatsApp group. I texted my aunt and I asked her who she was inviting and if my kids were invited or not. She told me that she loves my children but the place is very small and she happened to have a hard time with small children. It was a local simcha and we decided that either we will look for a babysitter or we will take turns going. We ended up finding a babysitter.

A first cousin's wedding, though. In my experience, all the first cousins are invited no matter how old they are. In my situation, since I am one of the oldest cousins to get married they are mostly second cousins to my kids so I do ask if they can come or not.

I also have a problem when people invite just parents for shabbos. It makes it very sticky and weird since finding arrangements is usually very, very hard and puts everyone in a weird situation.
I think it's 100% wrong.

amother

Chicory

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:16 pm

tichellady wrote:

It's not weird to expect parents to find childcare arrangements for a weekend because of a simcha. People do it every week in cities where there's no eiruv. People leave their kids for way longer than a weekend for vacation. She could've taken along her kids & find childcare in that city just for the meals. This is a normal thing to do. Honestly, she seems a bit bitter or jealous that her sister in law made an "extremely fancy" bar mitzvah.

notshanarishona

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:21 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

In town, and not on Shabbos, I agree it’s ok to have an adult only event. When people are traveling, or leaving for Shabbos meals, I think it’s perfectly normal for people not to want to leave their kids and only go if their kids are invited. You can’t have it both ways, no kids and expect everyone to come. If kids aren’t invited, there will always be some people who it’s too hard to come.

tichellady

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:24 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

I guess we live in different worlds. This is not normal in mine at all. And I would also be bitter if my sister cared more about her simcha being fancy than having her actual relatives there

gr82no

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:32 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

I would not leave my kids for shabbos just to go to a Simcha. I’ve never been away for more then 12 hours from my kids. It’s not a normal expectation. (I haven’t even gotten such an invite)
I also don’t use the eiruv so I just miss events. There are issues hiring a babysitter for shabbos

amother

Chicory

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:33 pm

gr82no wrote:

I take along my kids and either invite ourselves for shabbos to someone that can babysit for us, or find a sitter to come for the meals.

amother

Catmint

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

Want to know if this is reasonable or am I overreacting.
We had a close family wedding. My husband's brother married off a kid. Like we are actually aunt and uncle to the chosson and kallah my kids are first cousins to them.
It's also pretty rare that the whole family gets together so an event like this in my opinion is when cousins get to actually see each other.
Anyway they invited us to the wedding but told us only the big kids are invited.
Problem is I can't exactly leave the little kids behind for 5 days.
It's not like this is a local wedding where we go and get a babysitter for the evening and done.
It's a flight away we would be there for a full 5 days. So we brought the little kids with us anyway. Mind you they don't put us up or anything. We arranged our own hotels and food for the entire time.
The day before the wedding we get a text we heard you brought the little kids as well do not bring them. Please get a babysitter..
I didnt go to the wedding other than switch off with my husband for 10 min to run in and say mazel tov.
Is that a normal thing to say to your own siblings? About first cousins?
Also mind you there were at least 40 kids running around that wedding. It's not like this was an adult only event. Then I would be a whole lot more understanding. But there was plenty of kids there. This is cousins! How could they be so rude ?
Or am I overreacting?

Even my mother in law who heard that I wasn't at the wedding in the beginning because I had to stay with the kids said yes we told her not to bring them. Totally fine that I wasn't there.

I'm curious about the bolded. Who did the 40-ish kids belong to that ranked higher than your kids?

That said, I understand your hurt about your children being excluded and I understand the difficulty of being expected to somehow travel far away and leave a bunch of your kids behind, but it is still their wedding and their choice.

amother

Chicory

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:35 pm

amother Broom wrote:

I don’t go to out of town simchos without my children. I just don’t live that kind of life. They can have their rules and I can have mine.

I take my kids along and usually find someone to stay at that can babysit for me. I won't miss my siblings aufruf or shabbos sheva brachos because there's no eiruv in the city.

amother

Chicory

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:38 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

In cities where there's no eiruv, or for people that don't use the city eiruv, they don't just not go to a close simcha because they can't take the kids. They make it work. I will not miss my own brothers aufruf because there's no eiruv and I can't take the kids.
Yes, it's hard to find childcare arrangements, but I wouldn't miss a siblings simcha over this.
I've had already that I couldn't find childcare, so DH went to one meal and I went to the other meal. We weren't the only ones that did this. We make it work.

amother

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:47 pm

tichellady wrote:

This. For an evening in town of course just arrange babysitting. But for an out of town over a weekend wedding where you are literally flying there ?
Me personally I don't understand it..

amother

Chicory

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 5:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

This. For an evening in town of course just arrange babysitting. But for an out of town over a weekend wedding where you are literally flying there ?
Me personally I don't understand it..

You can fly in with your kids and find childcare arrangements there. As if there's no eiruv in that city. People that live in a city with no eiruv, or don't use the eiruv, still go to simchos. They figure it out.