Don't bring your kids

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:13 pm

Want to know if this is reasonable or am I overreacting.
We had a close family wedding. My husband's brother married off a kid. Like we are actually aunt and uncle to the chosson and kallah my kids are first cousins to them.
It's also pretty rare that the whole family gets together so an event like this in my opinion is when cousins get to actually see each other.
Anyway they invited us to the wedding but told us only the big kids are invited.
Problem is I can't exactly leave the little kids behind for 5 days.
It's not like this is a local wedding where we go and get a babysitter for the evening and done.
It's a flight away we would be there for a full 5 days. So we brought the little kids with us anyway. Mind you they don't put us up or anything. We arranged our own hotels and food for the entire time.
The day before the wedding we get a text we heard you brought the little kids as well do not bring them. Please get a babysitter..
I didnt go to the wedding other than switch off with my husband for 10 min to run in and say mazel tov.
Is that a normal thing to say to your own siblings? About first cousins?
Also mind you there were at least 40 kids running around that wedding. It's not like this was an adult only event. Then I would be a whole lot more understanding. But there was plenty of kids there. This is cousins! How could they be so rude ?
Or am I overreacting?

Even my mother in law who heard that I wasn't at the wedding in the beginning because I had to stay with the kids said yes we told her not to bring them. Totally fine that I wasn't there.

amother

Blueberry

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:14 pm

Their wedding their rules.
remember every wedding has two sides two families two ideas different factors etc
mazel tov

you could have spoken with them in advance and asked if it was ok in your situation and if not then respect it whether you understand or agree or not

and what they do for one they have to do for everyone
everyone on both sides

hodeez

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:15 pm

Oy that's very odd. I'm assuming your kids aren't particularly raucous? Very icky situation, sorry.

amother

Glitter

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:19 pm

While they may not have been very gracious, they did make it very clear that your little kids were not invited so it’s kind of on you to be upset that you had to miss the wedding because you didn’t arrange childcare.

You could have tried to have a conversation in advance instead of showing up to their town without plans for your babies.

amother

Magnolia

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:23 pm

It's not nice how they treated you. But if you brought your kids along thinking they could come uninvited, that's not nice either.

In the future, I would either decline the invitation or ask for babysitter info in their area. They knew you had a potential childcare issue when they invited you, so they either didn't care if you came or expected you to have an alternate childcare solution.

I know people have money constraints and other real reasons, but it strikes me as odd to invite half a family. Just invite the parents if you're limited. I wouldn't be inviting them to anything too quickly either.

amother

Banana

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:25 pm

That’s very very strange. We have 3-5 nieces and nephews getting married every year.
I have young kids too, and they are very welcome
They aren’t always invited to every aufruf or sheva brachos, but we believe that family is a bracha. I can’t imagine that mindset
That being said, I do usually get babysitters for my much younger kids, like babies or toddlers

amother

Blueberry

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:25 pm

Have any of you ever made a chasuna? it is a whole other story you have to compromise and even be mevater to the other side
fargin
assume your relatives had to do this to keep the peace
sholom is a kelli for brocha

amother

Violet

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:28 pm

I do think it’s a little strange they would have told you not to bring them, being that you are from out of town and cannot easily find a babysitter (unless she sent you some recommendations for one). Usually people are a little more accommodating for out of towners who are spending their time flying in for their wedding. There could be multiple understandable reasons they said not to bring them though
We recently made a wedding and all little kids got the cheaper kids meal option, but the only way to do that was to seat them at a separate kids table. There were limited space and only certain people were told to bring little kids, mostly from the other side. Any kids who sat at a regular table could only get the regular meal, which is expensive and totally a waste for a little kid. Separately- there really were limited seats. Yes some people didn’t show up but many more did that weren’t expected and there were not enough seats for everyone. Part of this issue was that so many people brought little kids with them and sat them at their table, taking away seats from people who actually were invited and rsvpd. Just another perspective, I’m not sure
It was their decision and there’s so many details that go into making a wedding that you could have no idea about. It’s no reason to be insulted, I doubt it was a personal attack on you.

Also, regardless of what should have been done in your opinion, I think it’s pretty inconsiderate and rude to plan on bringing your uninvited children (who were explicitly not invited) without asking for permission first. If I was them I would be pretty upset at you in this situation too..

lamplighter

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:29 pm

It is strange on their part but you were in the wrong.
If they say they aren't invited, you don't bring them anyways.
Your options were to either not go at all. Go and tag team with your husband babysitting or hire a local babysitter.

amother

Beige

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:31 pm

Strange, I've heard of people requesting no kids under a certain age at Sheva brachos but not at a wedding
Still, their simcha their rules. In your place I would have made alternative arrangements for the young ones and not brought them to the wedding. It wasn't a surprise to you that they were not wanted there, they told you beforehand.

amother

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:35 pm

No I wasn't upset I had to miss the wedding. I wasn't planning to bring the little kids uninvited. I was fine with missing the wedding. I knew this in advance. I went because we figured it's a nice 5 day getaway anyway. And we brought the whole family.
I was actually totally fine missing the wedding. That's not the point. The point is how normal is it for a sibling to make strict statements about not bringing little kids.
If they would have said we don't have enough spots at a kids table. Anything. Any sort of reason I would be so understanding.
Literally they just have something against little kids. And this is cousins.

amother

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:36 pm

amother Blueberry wrote:

The other side had tons of kids there!!

amother

Gardenia

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:36 pm

I had this with my sister in law last year. She made an extremely fancy bar mitzva and she didn’t want kids. I told her if my little ones can’t come, I’m not coming either. It was over a weekend, so she wanted me to leave my two little ones from Wednesday- Sunday. I didn’t go. If my kids cannot be part of the simcha and I’m expected to find arrangements for over the weekend for a 4 yo and a 2 yo then I can’t join. She understood that she made the choice of me not being there and that was that. I wouldn’t dare show up to her state with my little ones after clearly being told not to. Op I think thats where your mistake was. If you were told very clearly not to bring them, why did you? You should have stayed home with them. With all the pain and frustration, in my opinion you shouldn’t have brought them.

amother

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:37 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Did you not even read my post ? I didn't bring them.

notshanarishona

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:38 pm

Personally, I would skip or go for very short to a simcha if my kids aren’t invited. I don’t think bringing them along and expecting them to be ok with it (after being explicitly told not to) is menshlach.

amother

Beige

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

But I thought you were upset at missing the wedding and that no one cared?
Look it's their rules. We can't explain their reasoning behind it. It is strange but they're the ones making a simcha and if this is what they want you as a guest need to honor it.

amother

Acacia

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

While I understand it's hard and you feel discluded after having made such a big effort, it could have been that the kids who were there are all directly related as in younger siblings, nieces, and nephews of the chosson and kallah and not cousins. I went to a Chasuna and they have such a large family that they specified only older kids invited unless they were closely related because they couldn't invite so many people. So no cousins or anything were supposed to go.

Cheiny

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

You went against what they wanted and brought kids who weren’t invited. You shouldn’t have expected that they’d change their minds.

Sometimes people have to draw a line because if they invite one set of kids they have to invite everyone else’s and it gets out of hand.

I don’t believe young kids need to be at a wedding if it will hold no meaning for them. It gets annoying for other guests, expensive for the baalei simcha and they really aren’t responsible for whatever arrangements guests have to make for their kids who aren’t invited.

MrsDash

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:45 pm

I'm the youngest of a bunch of siblings. The eldest is over 20 years older than me. There were a few times where us younger kids were "uninvited" to a family simcha. I remember all of us were very insulted. (We were kids, but we still had feelings and emotions like any other human!)

As an adult there have been a couple families whose kids were not invited because - a. There were special needs individuals who are difficult to "control," and b. The other families made like their kids were hefker at any event that included other people. (although, as kids, we weren't in any of those categories.)

Having said that, I think it's rude and hurtful to uninvite your own family. IF they have specific issues, then talk, and figure something out that works. IF they're not "kid people," it's still obnoxious not to invite such close family.

OP, I'm sorry you were on the receiving end of something this distasteful. HUGS Hug

amother

Yellow

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:48 pm

You should have stayed home with the children. If you went for a vacation, then fine, and when they called you should say, No They aren't coming. Yeah you can feel bad but it seems they have their reasons. Maybe they really needed to be careful how much $ they were spending.

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