How to get 10 year old to listen the first time

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:12 am

10 year old dd needs to be asked to do (or not do) things multiple times before she will listen. She is a good kid, it isn't in a rebellious way, more that it doesn't register or she is just being impulsive. We are in the process of evaluating her for adhd, no diagnosis so far. It isn't a hearing issue or a language processing issue (both have been ruled out by the relevant professionals).

Any tips, ideas, methods, etc are welcome. Thanks!

amother

Sienna

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:56 am

Why do you feel something is wrong with her because she doesn't listen the first time? Many kids don't.

oneofakind

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:56 am

Make sure you have her attention, make eye contact and have her repeat it back to you. Anxiety makes kids spacey too btw.

behappy2

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:59 am

Go near her, Look at her and make sure she is looking at you. Don't ask if she heard or to repeat it back to you, it doesn't necessarily mean she processed it. Instead ask "when can you do such and such" or "what do you think" in other get feedback that she processed it

giftedmom

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:16 am

It’s an adhd thing. When you find the magic solution let me know.

amother

Canary

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 10:08 am

go to her and put your hand gently on her shoulder and say her name and talk in a low voice. it works with my 11 year old daughter. try it and let us know

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 10:47 am

amother Sienna wrote:

Why do you feel something is wrong with her because she doesn't listen the first time? Many kids don't.

I know, many kids don't listen the first time either. I don't think there is something wrong with her because of that, I think it is very normal, it is just frustrating and getting worse as she gets older and not better. To clarify, this isn't the reason we are having her assessed for ADHD or for her hearing or for language processing. The evaluations were all at the suggestion of medical professionals who have treated her for other things, they saw signs of ADHD.

To those of you who gave suggestions, I will give them a try!

amother

Lilac

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 12:11 pm

1. For perspective It's so normal

2. Not in the moment, create a loving opportunity, maybe with a treat, to have a respectful, age-appropriate discussion, kids are smart, ask them for their ideas: "It's ok once in a while, but it's not okay that I have to ask you more than once on a regular basis." You can ask them why? Is it because you don't care, or do you have trouble focusing? Actually be curious about their individual perspective.

You can then ask them to help problem solve. Would it help if we make you a sticker chart for a small prize?

My understanding is that this is the better, authoritative way today, & to trust that all kids really want to make their parents proud

Raindance

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 1:42 pm

Do:
Sometimes touching the shoulder or giving a little squeeze will help ground and bring the attention onto you. Ask in a pleasant and firm manner (eyecontact if possible). She might not want to stop what she is doing, so make that easier by saying something like, I'll watch your ... in the meantime or do it quickly and you can get back to what you are doing.

I personally have the same issue. If I don't do it straight away, which is hard because then I lose my concentration of what I am doing, and I need to be reminded again later.

Don't:
Say it again and again and then complain that dc never listens and never does what dc is told, throwing in some 'incompetent's, lazy' and ouuuchf's' (unless you want a child who is questioning their sanity and competence to do even the simplest tasks.)

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