One spouse not knowing the finances (s/o Ami story thread)

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:24 am

It's not abusive or controlling if only one spouse is interested in the household finances and the other just doesn't want to bother. However, it is very much inadvisable. Things happen. If chas v'shalom the spouse who's in charge of finances is incapacitated, it's even worse for the other spouse to be financially lost on top of that. And two heads are better than one. Couples working together can manage their finances better than one person alone.

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:25 am

amother OP wrote:

My husband managing the finances on his own is much better than me getting involved.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:31 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

My husband managing the finances on his own is much better than me getting involved.

There are different kinds of involvement.

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:43 am

amother OP wrote:

There are different kinds of involvement.

Im not involved. At all. He tells me when we are tight or when I can splurge. Not at all controlling. Just the way it is. Numbers and balancing isn’t my thing AT ALL. This works wonderfully for us. Maybe it doesn’t for others.

amother

Linen

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:51 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

My husband managing the finances on his own is much better than me getting involved.

Same. I earn, and spend more or less as I please so it's not a problem. I'll just get stressed if I'm involved. My dh will tell me when I need to be more careful, or if he gets a bonus etc.

amother

Linen

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:52 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

Yep, same

happy chick

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:55 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

My husband managing the finances on his own is much better than me getting involved.

Same. I always think that if c"v something were to happen to him, I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces. I would be completely lost. I agree it's not good, but there's so much going on with so many cc's and so many bank accounts and transfers, etc. I take care of the house, he takes care of the finances.

ETA - otoh, if something were c"v to happen to me, my husband would be just as lost as I would. In terms of the kids/house/school/schedules.

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:57 am

happy chick wrote:

Exactly. It would probably be a disaster if c”v something happened, but I know he has friends and family who would step up to help me out.
And I agree with your edit as well.

happy chick

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:57 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

Exactly. It would probably be a disaster if c”v something happened, but I know he has friends and family who would step up to help me out.
And I agree with your edit as well.

Of course. Mi k'amcha yisroel Smile

zaq

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:10 am

There's lack of active involvement, and then there's complete ignorance. The first in fine if both partners agree; the second is inexcusable and a recipe for disaster.

Ema of 5

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:16 am

zaq wrote:

There's lack of active involvement, and then there's complete ignorance. The first in fine if both partners agree; the second is inexcusable and a recipe for disaster.

If complete ignorance works, and the other spouse is not being controlled and/or abused, then it’s not inexcusable. Every couple has to do what works for them.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:22 am

For all of you who are not involved at all, what if chas veshalom something happened to your husband and you had to take charge? Or something happened and you had to leave your husband? Yes, I know, not very happy thoughts, but realistic. What would you do? You would have no idea about finances and that is a very scary and not good place to be at a time when that is something that you should not have to be worried about. Just a thought.

amother

Bone

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:27 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I manage the finances, and I'm going to say that if chas vsholom something happens to me they will be in deep, deep trouble. I just hope that my husband will have good friends who will help him. Or better, hopefully we'll all be healthy until 120.

amother

Lily

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:28 am

I am in charge of finances. My husband isn't very responsible and the bills probably wouldn't be paid on time ..... sad, but that's life. He is good at other things BH.
That being said, I do think it's important ... When my brother was suddenly jailed (long term, unfortunately), my sister in law had to learn fast things she never delt with before....

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:34 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Like I said before….it should never ever happen, but if god forbid something were to happen, we have friends and family who would step up to help me out.
And as someone else pointed out, he would be just as lost if something happened to me. He is not really involved in school, doctors appointments, services that our kids receive….

Iymnok

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:39 am

I am aware, but totally don’t get the workings of it. DH keeps his books extremely organized, so I’m sure someone could decipher what I’d need to know in an emergency.
Our shalom bayis is worth more than me being involved.

honey36

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:44 am

I also have no idea what's going on with our finances.

But I assume if C"V something happened to DH, our accountants basically have all our financial records and can give me a basic walk through of what my situation is. We also have a financial planner. Isn't this part of their job?

amother

Gold

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:13 am

You don’t need to be involved but your should know what assets you have and which institutions they are held at.

Your accountant only has knowledge of your income bearing assets.