Husband parents rough.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:30 am

Hi. I come from a home where I was abused physically and emotionally and more by my father. Im adamant to parent my kids differently. My husband though doesn’t see what’s wrong with his rough parenting style. He’s just not a gentle parent. He doesn’t get down to their eye level, he doesn’t put himself in their shoes, he constantly gives out his emotions on them. My kids are 3, 4, and 6 year old. Aside from the fact that I get extremely triggered I just don’t think it’s a good parenting approach. I’m in therapy for all my trauma and we’re also in couples therapy to learn how to do deal with my challenges.
Any advice welcome.

CiCi

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:43 am

Your husband doesn't have to get down to your children's eye level, he doesn't have to parent exactly the way you do- every parent is an individual with individual parenting style. But he can't "give out his emotions" on them. Although I'm not sure exactly what that means, it does sound like something he shouldn't be doing.

Last edited by CiCi on Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:48 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

RosePink

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:47 am

Following

My husband is like this too.. Married for 9 years.

One thing I will say is that he has mellowed over the years and I have toughened up a bit too.

I think that we subtly and not so subtly influence each other.

If your husband sees that you get the kids in line with your approach and that they are happy he may try to imitate you.

Notice all the good parenting things he is doing and let him know you appreciate it.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:47 am

CiCi wrote:

Your husband doesn't have to get down to your children's eye level, he doesn't have to parent exactly the way you do- every parent is an individual with individual parenting style. But he can't "give out his emotions" on them". Although I'm not sure exactly what that means, it does sound like something he shouldn't be doing.

Parents should definitely work together to have one parenting style. It’s confusing for the kids to be parented 2 different ways. I’m not asking he should do exactly as I’m doing but I wanna create a middle ground. We can both compromise but he gets very defensive when I bring it up.

amother

Forsythia

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:49 am

I don’t think it’s realistic to have one style. Everyone needs to parent in a style that works for them. The only thing you can really push is being gentle, kind and loving, but you can’t control how he does it.

amother

RosePink

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:50 am

amother OP wrote:

Not necessarily. It's definitely ideal but not necessary. My opinion. I know lots of parenting coaches make it sound like you need to but that can be very difficult to achieve and so many other important things in parenting than that.

CiCi

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:52 am

amother OP wrote:

It is surely the best to be on the same page regarding chinuch. However, I do not think a parent has to get down to eye level if he's not comfortable doing so. So basically, I think the particular parenting styles are individual to each parent although overall it is certainly ideal to be firm but loving and respectful which is what I'd call "the middle ground parenting". But the way one parents is individual to the parent. No two humans are alike...

Last edited by CiCi on Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:56 am; edited 2 times in total

Iymnok

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:52 am

amother OP wrote:

It doesn’t have to be one style. You are two different people with different strengths. Some kids will need his style more and some yours.
No one should be doing any obviously detrimental stuff, like name calling, hitting, insulting or threatening.
But there is no way for both of you to react the same way in any scenario.