Not enough food at in-laws seudas

watergirl

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 7:51 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Does she eat very little herself? Why does it out it away? Why?

She’s very thin she’s always talking about the latest diet she’s on, but I don’t actually pay attention to how much she or other people eat. She does comment to me about how much food other people took, and how much food people left on their plates. She is the type of person who eats every bit of chicken, so if she served chicken on the bone with skin and people left the skin over, she gets upset they wasted food, food, and comments about it. She also has a tendency to make very old-fashioned food that people left behind in the old country for a reason, so if people don’t take those dishes and she has leftovers of that but not of the cholent, salad, deli (ie more typical food choices), she assumes she made too much food. Her cholent is a tiny bowl for a large number of people.

watergirl

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 7:52 am

amother Slateblue wrote:

That’s so weird. I would bring it in a pretty bowl or serving dish and just bring the whole thing to the table without asking her.

Lol I tried that once! It offended her. It’s all good, she’s a very dear neighbor, and we eat before we go.

But it’s not all good for her married kids who she expects to stay with her. They are miserable.

amother

Trillium

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:01 am

Rappel wrote:

You can go either way:

*Bring something you know their family might like, as a treat for them.

*Bring something you know your children will like, and excuse it as a picky-eater problem

Or

Stuff your kids with snacks before, during, and after.

All options are easy to explain.

I would do both

amother

Stonewash

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:14 am

Some people just can't see past themselves. My sister in law doesn't serve enough - not even close. We go home and eat more. And we're all thin people with normal appetites - we're not gluttons or something. Amusingly, though I never voiced this out loud (regarding the lack of food), each person in my family has brought it up to me. Meaning, it's not unnoticed that this family member doesn't serve enough.

But my sister in law is clueless. She's told me multiple times that people overcook and they don't need to and she doesn't want to spend so much time in the kitchen. She even serves her chulent portioned in mini bowls (a few inches diameter), It's just bizarre. But it would be cruel to say anything directly. Hey, maybe she's reading this: hey, sis, please serve more food!!!!!

amother

Zinnia

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:23 am

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

So I would never feel ok to point out to my ILs thst there wasn’t enough food
I would feed my kids at home and bring food too for all

I wouldn’t either , but my husband would In a nice way.

amother

Zinnia

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:24 am

naomi2 wrote:

This is a really delicate situation. I would never get over it if someone hinted that there's never enough food at the meals I host. I would be embarrassed and be self conscious about it forever after that. I vote for bringing some food with excuses as another's have mentioned above

I wouldn’t to a random person hosting or even a friend. But a parent who you may go to often I definitely would bring it up in a subtle way.

amother

Sunflower

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:24 am

amother Stonewash wrote:

But my sister in law is clueless. She's told me multiple times that people overcook and they don't need to ...

I think some people think like a PP's MIL, that if there are any leftovers at all, then they overcooked, even if most items were completely demolished.

The truth is that overcooking is necessary to make sure people have enough. I don't think that every single side and dip and salad has to be overcooked and have leftovers, but at an absolute minimum there should be leftovers of the main dishes at every meal, unless you're having some sort of creative tapas menu. There should also ideally be leftovers of challah.

amother

Zinnia

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:25 am

hodeez wrote:

Where are the husbands? Can't he just say "ma there's not enough food" to her privately?

This!!! It’s his mother. Totally okay to do this. I guess depends on their relationship maybe they’re not so close.

amother

Mocha

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:40 am

I had this problem. My mil would make one dish (a lot of if) and serve it for all four meals on Yom Tov. Problem was by the third meal the food wasn’t heating up well anymore and by the fourth meal there wasn’t enough food and everyone felt bad taking. My mil would barley eat and claim she’s full. My father in law would pick on the food. Eventually I started making tons of food and bringing it with. Challah, mains, sides, fish..... Problem was, my mil wouldn’t serve it, or would freeze and put away for another time. I would get soooo upset. Now my husband makes sure to say “hey where is that dish that my wife brought I want to try it!” Or I’ll tell her the kids want it can she please heat it up. It always gets eaten. I think she finally realized because she always serves my things now and in the end of the day she really appreciates it.

lamplighter

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 8:43 am

My mother serves very small amounts of food because she believes that those are correct portions sizes. She is always talking about how unhealthy and crazy the shabbos and YT meals are, it's just too much food, no one needs to eat like that bla bla.
The only solution for us is to plan to eat before or after.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 9:07 am

My relative, who is obese herself, has some weird obsession with people not getting fat. She also has some weird issues around food about it costing too much and she shouldn't have to indulge everyone's overeating habits.
At all family gatherings there is never any leftovers from the mains, meaning of course that some people didn't get any or enough. The rare odd side remaining she uses a proof that there was too much food.

I've offered to bring all the foods whenever we go for YT or Shabbos or whenever. Even then we have to reassure her that we brought according to how much we know our kids need and she should just let them eat.

It's a struggle.

amother

DarkOrange

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 9:08 am

My mil also calciulates small amount per person, or doesnt have so many variations if people dont like certain things, but problem is, when people offer or bring dishes, she gets insulted, like now nobody will eat her food, so she wont serve it, or only put out partial of it, and freeze for later.
I used to walk over for yt meals, but on way home, I would visit my mom, after meal, and eat the leftovers. I would either sneak in to kitchen while clearing, and take nore of a dish, if she made plenty, but portioned out too little on plate, because if I said I want a little, she'd give me two spoons.
Move in guests, hide some dry foods in their room in their suitcases, bring some dishes, or bring their own specialty diet foods that she wont provide.
When whole family gathers up like chanuka, we divide food amongst us, and everyone brings a dish or two enough for everyone. On purim, when people go hopping from one seudah to next, people know to fill up at other places first, and not rely on the food there, because first people to arruve still have but later guest dont anymore.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 9:21 am

amother Stonewash wrote:

She doesn't enjoy cooking and hosting IMHO.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 9:25 am

lamplighter wrote:

Is she herself very thin, right?

amother

Stonewash

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 10:29 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

She doesn't enjoy cooking and hosting IMHO.

She actually hosts often but you're mainly correct about not enjoying cooking. I'm assuming other guests also eat more when they go home.

I always make sure to have enough of the basics for people to fill up on, like rice, challah etc especially if there are teens/big eaters. I understand not wanting to patchke in the kitchen but I think serving enough food is just the right thing to do.

amother

Forsythia

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 10:50 am

amother Molasses wrote:

Bring along food. That's what my kids do. They always claim that it was in the fridge and would only spoil before they got back home or that one child or another is on a food jag and will eat only ______ and _____, but I suspect they just want to make sure there will be enough quantity and variety to go around.

Have you tried serving more food?

amother

Forsythia

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 10:51 am

In my mil's case, she always says that people will finish whatever food she puts out so if all the food is eaten she doesn't take it to mean that it wasn't enough. Sad

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 10:56 am

Wow I thought I have the same mother in law as OP down to the large family but this seems to be a common issue. Same issue here plus the meals are served so late. I literally broke down in tears on first days because I was weak from hunger and there was literally no food in the house except for the meager Seuda offerings which were still frozen solid in the freezer until 3 pm (we ate at 4). I am nursing a newborn and I told my husband that it felt like Yom Kippur except that I got a coffee. There wasn’t even cereal in the house to snack on. When we finally ate she brought 3 pieces of salmon out to be divided amongst 8 adults, an inch of clear soup per person, and a tiny piece of meat and a tablespoon of ferfel per person. There was plenty of challah at least which I stuffed myself with. Her portions are always really small but this time she really did it. Also there was no cake or anything to snack on.