AMA I am anti-babysitter and CIO

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:10 pm

amother Fuchsia wrote:

Would you only make shidduchim with families where the mom stayed home?

Hmm. I’ve never thought about this. I would not like make shidduchim with families where the children were sent out as babies. I have no problem with mothers working once kids are in school, or if childcare was done by, for example, a grandmother.

However, shidduchim are in Hashem’s hands, not mine. So who knows what will be.

For the record, I have a degree and was an accomplished person in my field before I had kids. I have no issue with women working. Even now with a baby home I occasionally work from home.

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:11 pm

I also chose to be a sahm.
My Oldest is now 13.
My husband never learnt in kollel. He also went into massive depression and addiction.

I would never send my children to a babysitter as an infant. I chose to do odd and end jobs from home to support the best that I can. And the rest I rely on God.
It's definitely a choice to work and send infants out. Yes you can all say life needs 2 salaries these days.. But also look at the rediculous life people are aspiring for.

My children are the most important things. I wouldn't send them anywhere at such a young age unless I was living on the street and couldn't put food in their mouths.
Bh hashem never tested me with that.
(my husband doesn't make near what ops husband is making.. And I would still never send an infant out)
Choosing to take the role of supporting your home because you believe your husband should be learning in kollel and not attempting to make a living - is your choice. It doesn't give permission to send an infant out.

And someone who mentioned a mom taking care of a child - I believe that's an extension of a mom-if she's not worn out and unable.

Yes this may be harsh. But this is my belief and I don't actually care if people don't agree with me. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs

amother

Topaz

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

I believe the mainstream frum trend of sending infants to babysitters and also employing cry it out sleep training at a young age is borderline abusive.

AMA

Same.

We struggle financially tremendously. But I don't believe the answer to that is sending an infant out.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:12 pm

amother Burgundy wrote:

I work from home with babies until I can’t anymore (usually around age 1) but it takes a huge toll on my mental health. It’s doing two full time jobs at once.

I would lose my mind as a SAHM and be a terrible parent. I need to work.

If you truly feel you would be a terrible SAHM, then you should ideally earn enough to afford a competent 1-1 nanny for your babies.

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:14 pm

Im curious for the other women who share the same viewpoint as OP- if the husband makes less than 2k a month, how do you expect a mother NOT to return to work? Rent costs money, you cant really call that extravagant living. Food, car insurance, gas..

amother

Navy

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

It does sound like you at least explored other options before sending to a babysitter. This is a lot more than many do. Like I said above, when not sending to a babysitter will mean that basic need won’t be met, then you should send out your baby (to the best possible care option) after exhausting all other options. But it should never be the default because it ultimately is harmful to babies and has long lasting effects, which no one wants to admit. Of course, starvation is also harmful which is why if basic needs can’t be met then there is simply no choice. But it’s far from good.

What are the lasting effects?

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:16 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

My question would be.. What's stopping the husband from making more than 2k a month? Why doesn't he feel responsible to earn more. Is he incapable? Is he unmotivated? Are you taking the responsibility so he doesn't feel the need?
A lot can be asked here.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:16 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

This post is horrible. Life doesn't always work that way. Many marketable skills where people thought they have lifelong jobs are now obsolete. People can put in 100% hishtadlus and parnassah just isn't in the cards for them. To make it seem like people have to work since they haven't put in adequate effort is so awful.
Signed,
A woman working against her wishes since her amazing DH developed adult ADHD and can't keep a job.

Obviously there are individual cases where there will be no choice. But like I said in my original post, I am anti the entire trend or culture of this being the default option. And the denial that it is extremely harmful.

You say your husband can’t keep a job. Can he watch your babies while you work, at least until they are 2?

amother

Geranium

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe we just run in different circles, but the
Is is not a "trend" where I live. It is a necessity and most mothers I know cut working hours when they can and stay home when they are able to.

amother

Navy

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you truly feel you would be a terrible SAHM, then you should ideally earn enough to afford a competent 1-1 nanny for your babies.

Can you name specific careers that are guaranteed to make enough to pay for these nannies? Ome nanny per child, right?

amother

Daphne

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:19 pm

Disclaimer: I never sent a child out before the age of a year. I was privileged to be able to work from home. Not everyone has that privilege.

I strongly believe, very strongly believe that there is no such thing as a decision between good and bad. Every decision has ramifications in many directions. When you choose to prioritize not sending your kids out, you are choosing not to prioritize a husband in kollel. That's fine if that's your decision but it doesn't make it an absolute right for everyone.

When I choose to marry a husband who is a long term learner, that was not a selfish choice. It was a choice for my children to be brought up in a house where their father brings Torah home every day, where we live simply for the sake of Torah. It is a positive decision for my children not a negative one.

I chose to give my children the privilege of a house full of Torah over the privilege of staying at home with me until they're 4.
You chose the privilege of them staying home over the privilege of a house of Torah.
Other people don't even have the choice of these two. Their choice may be the privilege of sending to a Jewish school instead of public school over the privilege of a child at home until they're 4.

Your post is unfair to all these people. For the first time since I joined Imamother, I am seriously considering reporting for the extreme and unnecessary pain you are causing many sincere, hard working mothers.

amother

Natural

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:19 pm

This thread is nauseating. OP your smugness is almost shocking. You with your husbands 300k salary. With no concept that for down it can all come crashing down. A husband can lose a job. He can have trouble getting hired. He can have mental health issues making it hard for him to get hired. He could have chronic or acute medical issues preventing him from working. He can work but not have the same earning potential. I can go on and on. I don’t begrudge your blessings or your choices. But to act as if this is all so because this is the life you chose and to leave out the part where Gd is actually in control, not you. That your blessings (your husbands job, his ability to work) come from one source: Gds blessing and Gds will. You need a real reality check on who runs the world. To start a thread to spew such simple minded judgement is just awful

Eta this thread should def be reported.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:20 pm

amother Geranium wrote:

Would you help support your children if they could not afford to stay home with their babies?
Like a family helping to support a kollel couple?

Yes, if I have the financial means. I also am not raining my sons or daughters to default to a lifestyle where they must send out their babies.

Ultimately though they will become adults and make their own decisions.

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:21 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

None of the above. A quiet season at work. He started a new business and isnt so busy. Then what?

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

Would it be because you think the boy/girl has suffered from the borderline abuse, or that you wouldn't respect the In-laws.