Abused as a child AMA

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 10:29 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

What was your husbands reaction? Was he upset?
Are you close with your inlaws?
Was your mother or father more unhealthy?

My husband was surprised honestly at first but the better he got to know them, the more he was able to see how they would do it. He was and is very supportive and understanding and has really been my rock as I navigated it all.

I am not close to my in laws as they have their own interesting family dynamics but I definitely have more of a relationship with them than my parents.

My mother definitely.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 10:35 pm

amother Canary wrote:

Did older siblings try to help younger siblings once they were out of the situation?
Is anyone still living at home?
Any siblings have what to do with your parents?

Older siblings definitely tried with giving siblings advice of how to navigate situations with my parents. They also tried to provide emotional support. There were a few physical things done too but it created a messy situation with my parents which I’d rather not discuss here.

Unfortunately yes. One of my siblings is working on trying to get them out but it’s not an easy process.

Yes. Over time I watch the relationships getting more and more superficial and dying out but each sibling has their own level of relationship.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 10:37 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

What was your husbands reaction? Was he upset?
Are you close with your inlaws?
Was your mother or father more unhealthy?

Just realized you also asked if he was upset… He is actually very upset at them that they caused me so much pain and it affects him and our relationship in ways they would never know.

amother

Gladiolus

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 10:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

Youre lucky with your husband
When I got married he blamed me for any argument and said I have issues if I can't get on with my mother (who ppl are usually closest to)
Were your friends aware ?
Growing up did your siblings support each other?
.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 10:44 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

Did all this affect you religiously? Intimacy? Marriage? If yes, did you get over it? If yes, how?

Religiously yes. I struggle finding my own footing and correct path. Intimacy physically not really. I do have difficulties when my husband says something that is obviously meant to be positive during intimate times but it reminds me of my parent’s relationship. It really shuts me down but we have discovered together which phrases are triggering and just avoid them. My marriage definitely. I’m not over it yet. It’s one of my biggest struggles which I work on every day.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 10:47 pm

amother Lotus wrote:

Scrolling through the thread, my heart was broken - at the details of your abuse - and then uplifted - at what an amazing mom you are.
Hugs OP. H’ should help you completely heal.

Amen! Your carings words made me tear up ❤️

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 10:52 pm

happysmile1 wrote:

You really are a superstar!
You sound like an incredible mother and person!

❤️ It’s really therapeutic to get so much encouragement here. I never talk to anyone about this irl except to my therapist and family. It’s so important for us all to remember to be so kind to people we know irl because we really never know what is actually going on in someone else’s lives.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 10:57 pm

healthymom1 wrote:

How do you parent your children? Do you ever scare yourself?

I always knew I would not do any of those things to my children and thankfully it hasn’t even crossed my radar to. I focus very much on consequences that make sense and trying to focus my energy on positive behavior instead of negative behaviors. I also focus a lot of my efforts on building their self confidence since mine is so shattered. I give out lots of hugs and try to compliment a lot. I also make sure to apologize if I lose my cool or say something out of line. They seem to be happy and well adjusted so I think I’m doing a good job.

As a side note, I also have an nd child which really forced me to work on my patience which now all my kids definitely benefit from.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:04 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

That is so painful! It really hurts to be blamed especially unfairly! I hope you are in a better place now.

No my friends didn’t (and still don’t) know anything of what really went on at home.

We tried to but sometimes that could really backfire and you could end up more abused if you were caught so it was really a tight rope to walk on. They also created a tattling culture which was really sad. It’s very painful when you put yourself on the line to help another sibling out of a situation (which you know will cause him to be abused badly ) and then you end up getting hurt instead. Its incredibly difficult to make a decision to protect your own back first and just watch it happening to someone else. I don’t wish the struggle on anyone.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:06 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

Is parenting healing for your inner child?
Or a struggle?

Yes it really is! I feel myself living through my children. I am so happy for them that they have a stable loving home and it makes me so fulfilled to provide that for them!

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:27 pm

amother Strawberry wrote:

Do you have any relationship with your parent’s parents?

I did have growing up. Now I only have one grandmother alive and I my relationship with her has suffered as a result of my relationship with my parents. Firstly because she constantly talks about things to do with my parents and I’m not interested in talking about. Secondly because I sometimes feel like she is an extension of my parents.

We still have a relationship and she is truly a nice woman but I am still struggling with finding a balance that works for me.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:44 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

What was the cause of your parents unhealthiness
Are any of your children similar and does it trigger you

My father was abused as a child. It was a very unique story so I don’t want to out myself here. My mother is narcissist.

None of my children are remotely similar at all in their personalities and I sure hope it stays that way!

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:47 pm

It is triggering for me when a child of mine does something which would result in an abusive situation in my parent’s home. It kind of takes me back to when I was a child. It is really empowering though to have a proper parenting reaction to the situation instead and remain calm.