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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 5:11 pm

Background info on dc: very smart, very good at math, I give lots of opportunities for shopping in the store and buying things (ex gave $5 bill to choose a gift), knows numbers and prices. Also has a million toys and books and lacks for nothing bh.

Dh has started taking 7 year old on dates. They went once and got ice cream and a $60 toy from the store.
I was furious about the toy but didn't make a big deal. I told dh it's crazy and unacceptable.

Now DC asked for another date. She "earned" money saying tehillim over RH and YK - paid out in cash (got like 15 for saying half the tehillim). I was not happy with that rate and how obsessive DC was about counting every kapitel.

For shavbos mevorchim now she wanted to say more tehillim. I said no more cash.
We said it will go towards a date. So $17

They went today. Got picked up an hour early, went to ice cream, came home with a $70 toy

While they were in the store I texted dh: get a book, a poster, I gave ideas

DC came home and showed me the toy. She could see from my face I wasn't happy. I said what happened to your budget. She said there was nothing there to get for 17 so daddy added money.

I said I'm putting it on the side bc I don't agree with this purchase and it wasn't the terms of the date.

I'm furious at dh obviously.
1 I don't want this toy in the house
2 I don't agree with this financially. The whole point is to teach budgeting and decisions etc
3 this is a crazy unrealistic standard to start
4 it's so many bad lessons for DC where to even begin
5 it's unfair to me - why am I price comparing shoes and meat prices, I mean we're not poor but I try to be smart about our money, what the heck is this

The problem is dh, Mr nice man pushover. Who probably had no patience and just swiped his credit card.
And now I'm left to pick up the pieces?

What do I do about this

Edit its not like a quality lego set. It's an overpriced stupid Jewish toy that will break in a day. So I don't want it and I don't like how it was bought on a whim.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 5:16 pm

Some children are very pulled by money and it's an issue.

Can you work together on goals for this child? Then ask your husband how he can achieve these goals on the date?

It sounds right now more like you decide the goals and he has to follow through. There are many men who will find that difficult. If you explain the background and get him to be the one suggesting things, it will likely work better.

amother

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 5:20 pm

Dh's parenting style is zero strategy. It's literally whatever will keep kids quiet.

At least I have a strategy. I'm the one who taught numbers and money and budgeting.

So even if we "agree" on a strategy I cannot rely on dh to uphold it. He's the type to give a lollipop to a crying baby.

Maybe I should have posted in shalom bayis but idk what to do about this actual toy right now.

amother

Diamond

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 5:43 pm

Not on the specific point that you asked, but I’m very uncomfortable with you paying her for saying Tehillim. Extrinsic rewards can be very dangerous for something that you want to instill intrinsic value for. When used incorrectly, they stifle the natural intrinsic value and create an external dependence. In other words, your daughter will not learn to value saying Tehillim if you pay her for it; on the contrary it will stifle any internal desire she would have developed.

Extrinsic rewards are appropriate if they are used properly in certain situations, but when used inappropriately, they achieve the opposite of what you are trying to do.

Shopmiami49

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 5:46 pm

Sounds like you might be better off doing the buying with your DC instead of your husband

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 5:55 pm

I don't understand the whole system. Why are you paying her to say tehillim? And at such a rate?

amother

Clear

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 5:56 pm

I would totally stop all these incentive programs - and tell husband not doing this stuff anymore. Seems too complicated and annoying - but that's just me.

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 5:57 pm

Why aren’t you taking her to buy her prizes? If you made the system you do it. And I would not pay her for saying tehillim or davening.

amother

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:04 pm

amother Chartreuse wrote:

I don't understand the whole system. Why are you paying her to say tehillim? And at such a rate?

I am not. This is all dh.

amother

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:06 pm

amother Royalblue wrote:

Why aren’t you taking her to buy her prizes? If you made the system you do it. And I would not pay her for saying tehillim or davening.

Dh did the payment and set the rate
I at least said it won't be cash, put it towards a date
The date is supposed to be quality time not an expensive toy purchase
I can't enforce if I'm not there. As it is I'm the one enforcing anything in this house

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:08 pm

You need to tell him this isn't working out and you don't have the budget for their expensive purchase. He should return it, or you can and she should have to purchase something that she can buy fully with her money.

amother

Apple

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:13 pm

I’m sorry I am extremely uncomfortable with the way you undermine dh.
If I bought a toy for 70 for dc and dh put it away because he disagrees with the purchase id be furious with him.
You obviously have different parenting styles and different budgeting styles and very possibly your chinuch strategies might be better but undermining a father like that is very bad chinuch. (Unless a spouse is abusive or unstable , and got evaluated by a professional) you gotta support each other in front of the kids.
Then later when dc is out of earshot you can try to explain it to dh until you’re sore in the throat, but not in front of your kid.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:23 pm

First of all, why is it the child's problem that you and dh don't agree? I wouldn't take away the toy after it was already bought. Poor child is caught up between her parents.

For the future I would try to stop this entire reward program if dh can't seem to get her something within range.

Cheiny

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Just wondering why the both of you feel the need to keep buying off and spoiling this child. You seem to be blaming your DH but in the beginning of your post you show that you do the same thing, only to a bit of a lesser degree.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am not. This is all dh.

Why is he doing it?

Cheiny

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:31 pm

Here’s what you wrote about yourself: “I give lots of opportunities for shopping in the store and buying things (ex gave $5 bill to choose a gift), knows numbers and prices. Also has a million toys and books and lacks for nothing bh.”

So what is it about both of you that you feel the need to keep throwing money at this child? You’ve been in on this strategy and are now complaining that your DH has taken it too far.

I do agree you both need parenting help. I’d suggest therapy.

Last edited by Cheiny on Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

lamplighter

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:39 pm

The child keeps the toy, they do not get punished because they are caught in between a sholom bayis issue.

Also you and your husband are doing the same thing but it seems you feel your husband does it worse. Not quite a fair accusation.
You both need to sit and discuss better strategies.

amother

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:48 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I dont think I'm doing it... I mean like if we are in the grocery store we read the signs and discuss prices (like it's 2/$4 so choose 2) and for special things like buying a birthday gift I've given a cash budget in the dollar store. Things like that to teach math. I never buy any toys or anything in the store, except for before Yom tov we choose a book and that goes on my credit card.

amother

Caramel

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 6:57 pm

OP, I know you're venting right now but do you respect your dh as an equal parent? There are many men who, when feeling disrespected by their wives, will try to gain validation through their kids. And regardless of how you feel, it's bad chinuch to take away a toy that your dh just bought her on principal. Kids shouldn't see their parents disagreements.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 7:06 pm

I would give her the toy/game and tell her the extra $53 is a GIFT that dh decided to get her. Undermining your husband is worse than spoiling your dd

You can teach her math by baking with her -doubling/halving recipes. I dont understand buying gifts as means to teach math. This isnt her only exposure to learning math she does go to school I assume...

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