Wwyd - need wise parenting advice

imasinger

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 7:26 pm

I agree that for right now, she should keep the toy, and you should call the extra money a gift.

But in the longer term, you and DH are the ones that need to talk about budgeting. Because you're right, DD is getting very mixed messages.

If you're unhappy with the "pay to pray" philosophy, brainstorm with him on something you both can agree on. If you see he's too impulsive to take her shopping, help him come up with a list of rewarding father daughter activities that won't involve such extravagance.

Parents don't always have to agree on everything, but they do have to respect each other, and right now, it sounds like he's not respecting you and your priorities, and you're not respecting him and his priorities.

If you can't resolve this by talking together, you might want to look for a counselor or advisor who can sit with you both as a team, and help you hear each other.

chocolate moose

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 7:30 pm

Next time let them have the ice cream and an activity - not toy shopping. Bowling or paint night or a museum.

#BestBubby

Tue, Oct 17 2023, 7:43 pm

A date doesn't have to he about buying toys.

It can be biking, boating, a museum, roller skating, boating, baking, crafting, doing a puzzle, etc.

You don't need parenting advice

You need MARRIAGE advice.

Your DH is passive-aggressive, pretends to agree
Than violates the agreement.

spikta

Wed, Oct 18 2023, 5:39 am

My kids get presents for their birthdays and on chanukah. That's it. Taking children to a toy store is just asking for kvetching and entitlement. I don't understand why people take children to toy stores stam. You're exposing them to this huge abundance that they can only have a tiny sliver of. Of course they kvetch and moan and do whatever they can to convince adults to get more. This is the adults fault for taking them there to begin with. I try as much as I can to order any presents we need to get online, and in advance, so I don't ever have to go to toy stores.

I also try to avoid taking littler kids to any stores where they might want something unless I have to. When we do, we buy what we planned and they know they won't get any extras for kvetching. This is not to say we don't have treats at home, but I decide when and what we get. If the kids want something in particular, we teach them to discuss it with me calmly, and in advance. If it's a reasonable request I'm happy to add it to my shopping list.

We were once at the store and the younger kids were kvetching for a treat, and I said no. They said just a tiny little candy... still no. We then saw our neighbors come in and the kids immediately started kvetching. The mom was already buying them something, but they wanted more, they wanted something bigger, something else. I pointed that out to the kids - do you see that your neighbors, even though they were getting a treat, were still kvetching? Do you see how that little boy is actually crying because he wanted chocolate but got "only" a lollypop? He got more than you, but he's crying and you're not. That's why I don't buy you stuff when you kvetch, because it won't actually make you happy. Candy from the store makes you happy only the second you get it, then you just want more, and you're more angry and sad and frustrated than you started.
I try to talk to them about what makes us really happy, vs. what we think will make us happy, but actually just makes us miserable. It's lost on the preschoolers, but from age 5-6 they start to understand.

It sounds like you both are being very reactive to your child, you just disagree on how much you want to give her. Your child has learned that money and new toys are fun, so she's trying to maximize them however she can, which makes total sense. When my kids start displaying that kind of addictive behavior (kvetching and being obsessed about junk food, screen time, money etc.), I find the best solution is to stop cold turkey for a little while, and instead give some extra attention. Some extra time talking or playing a game that they like, building with lego, snuggling or playing chase... No child *needs* screen time, or presents or junk food. Usually stepping back from what they're obsessed with, and filling up their love and connection tank instead helps them rebalance.

I would have a meaningful discussion with your DH about what it's important for each of you to give your kids, what you want to teach them about consumption, happiness, money, frugality, etc. How much money you give your child for any thing is just a symptom. Try to spend time getting clear with each other on the fundamentals of what chinuch you want to give your children.

amother

Daphne

Wed, Oct 18 2023, 6:09 am

OP I just want to say I can relate to many things about your post. It’s very hard to keep quiet and wait until not around the kids to discuss impulse purchases made by my husband. He has the attitude that they should get what they want and not feel deprived at all. But our income just doesn’t accommodate for that.

When he wants to take the kids out I emphasize that what they would enjoy best is an outing where they get to play with him- ex a park or bike ride or a walk even.

amother

Tulip

Wed, Oct 18 2023, 10:58 am

I don’t think it’s important for kids to be aware of pricing and money at this age. I would keep things simple, if you read the Tehillim , you can get a gift. The parent can pick a gift for the child or the child can pick something but the parent has power to veto the gift if it’s not something they want to get. This way , the gift is satisfactory for both the parent and the child and whatever the child ends up getting doesn’t violate the rules in the child’s mind. She read Tehillim , she earned a gift. Contrary to the poster above, I think it’s important for children to be able to walk into a toy store anytime and not buy anything. Going into a store doesn’t mean we buy. Sometimes we just go to look around. If you never take them into a store, they don’t learn how to do that.

justforfun87

Wed, Oct 18 2023, 2:14 pm

I think children benefit from having parents that parent differently. My kids always tell me they love me cause I am mushy and lie next to them and they love daddy because he has fun with them and is silly. I think many men think in concrete terms... she want's this candy now, I can provide it now to make her happy. Women tend to think more about the future such as I don't want to give this candy because it will hurt their teeth, there is dye in the food, I don't want them to associate food with rewards. I just think we are hardwired differently.

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Oct 18 2023, 3:38 pm

I haven't read all the comments, but honestly
If I splurged and bought my daughter a gift I would be very upset if my husband criticized me/it

#BestBubby

Wed, Oct 18 2023, 3:41 pm

spikta wrote:

#BestBubby

Wed, Oct 18 2023, 3:42 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

I haven't read all the comments, but honestly
If I splurged and bought my daughter a gift I would be very upset if my husband criticized me/it

It's different if this is a pattern,not a one time splurge,

If DH makes an agreement then breaks it...

#BestBubby

Wed, Oct 18 2023, 3:47 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

I
Contrary to the poster above, I think it’s important for children to be able to walk into a toy store anytime and not buy anything. Going into a store doesn’t mean we buy. Sometimes we just go to look around. If you never take them into a store, they don’t learn how to do that.

I think kids 10 and up may be able to handle

Window shopping

And putting a desired toy on a "wish list"

For birthday or chanukah gift.

But it's too much to ask of little kids.