Involved parent? | Imamother

amother

Sun, Nov 05 2023, 1:36 pm

How involved are you in the details of your teenagers' lives? My 18 year old son told me that I am too involved and I shouldn't be asking him or my other teens about their friends, their teachers, their daily schedules. It really bothers him and he feels I'm out of line.

FTR my son is away in yeshiva and he comes home once a week. I figured it's good to chat and check in with how he is doing and feeling. He recently started to brush me off saying he has no time to waste on useless talk.

I always considered myself a good parent that I could name a few of my teenagers' friends and I knew where my children are by day and by night. I am not nosy or intrusive, I do not check their phones or their bedrooms or drawers. I do not speak to their teachers about them. I let them be as long as they are being reasonably responsible and normal.

The question I asked that prompted this answer from him was about his motzai shabbos schedule now that we've changed the clocks. (He sleeps at home motzai shabbos.)

My older son at this age thought it was funny that I wanted to know his friends' names because it's not like I would recognize them by appearance anyway. I figured it's a good starting point for figuring out summer plans or next year yeshiva plans or just talking about what happens on boys shabbatons.

I have a younger son is very open with us and always sharing names of friends, chavrusahs, conversations in school and with teachers. We have been able to guide him over the years through very tricky peer pressure situations.

I have another younger teen who answers "I don't know" any time I ask him who his friends are, what he did by recess break, or who is in his class. I ask him because he tells me no one is in school that day, so I ask what do you mean no one? Who is there and who isn't there that is supposed to be there? From him I only get "I don't know"s.

So am I being intrusive to ask my son his schedule or who his friends/chavrusahs are? Is that normal parental involvement?

amother

Poppy

Sun, Nov 05 2023, 1:54 pm

Sometimes it's how we have the conversation more than the information within the conversation. If I'm sitting there with my dc and firing question after question or pushing for more details then often they start getting touchy and feel like I'm driving them mad.
If I'm busy making challos, or simply busy with something, that already makes the conversation less intense then sitting there looking at each other. Then I can share stuff about my day or something interesting that happened and they can also share. Having a no threatening space to talk often gets more out of them than pushing them. And usually, but not always, remembering something from a previous conversation is appreciated. Like if they were struggling with something or whatever and I ask how it went, they usually like that I remembered. Sometimes though they don't like a big deal made of the issue and get annoyed.

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Nov 05 2023, 2:12 pm

Tbh I'd be annoyed too. It's personality. Just thinking about me and my mother (I lived out of town for high school)
I don't want to tell you who my friends are and what my schedule is. Feels like I'm getting grilled. And I don't know who care what their mother's name is and which Cohen they are etc.
She never asked me real questions- how do you feel, what's important to you. One such question once a year is worth more than a weekly superficial check in of my schedule.
Listen to you child, he's communicating with you.

amother

Sun, Nov 05 2023, 2:18 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

I hear you but trust me, such questions we don't ask boys. That much I know.

I had asked him one single question randomly on shabbos afternoon in order to know what time he'd get home. Is that really grilling?

amother

Hydrangea

Sun, Nov 05 2023, 3:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

I can back off more but I think it's a shame

My question is do mothers generally talk to their sons about friends or about their time in yeshiva?

It is a shame but each child is different. Two of my teens share a lot so I know who their friends and teachers are, the next one thinks I'm nosy just for asking, and the youngest complains I'm not interested in her life but when I do als she wants to know why I'm asking 🙄.

You can't win. I've learned that ultimately you lose out by not asking rather than asking more.

amother

Hydrangea

Sun, Nov 05 2023, 3:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

No, that's basic safety concerns. Regardless of how much sharing a teen does, they have to tell you where they're going, with whom, and what time they plan to be home. Basic house rules.