How not get angry and resentful

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:08 am

My 2 year old is adorable and smart bh. He is also a huge troublemaker and a handful. My hands are full with him and for the most part I’m able to deal with most parenting things well- taking care of him for hours every day, the crying, tantrums, taking care of him when he’s sick, wiping up vomit, diaper blowouts, sometimes sleepless nights, picky eating. One thing though is that he deliberately hurts me when he’s upset at me because I’m not giving him something he wants. Or if I wasn’t fast to give him what he wanted. He might scratch or poke me, bang a heavy toy into my face or head, try to pull/ pinch my tights, try to pull my skirt off, throw blocks into my face, kick me etc., spit food into my face. When he does this I get soooooo angry. It’s like I feel that when I’m doing so much for my kid and while I’m actually in the middle of doing something good for him then how dare he hurt me (let’s say kicking me in the face while I’m changing a diaper because he doesn’t want diaper changed now, or scratching my legs while I stand at the stove cooking his dinner because he wants something now) . Even if I’m not doing something good for him at that moment I sacrifice everything for him literally every minute of the day and when he hurts me physically it really kills me. I know that he’s so little and toddlers are inherently selfish and while he is hurting me on purpose it’s more out of frustration for not getting what he wants but at the time it makes me what to slap him hard (I don’t). How can I reframe and also get him to stop hurting me?

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:11 am

Is he your first kid?
I have a kid who hits me and while I’m upset and wish it could stop I was never personally hurt.
I don’t think I was ever personally hurt by any of my kids behavior even if it was selfish and hurt me and showed lack of hakaros ha tov.
My job as a parent is to be the best parent and give what I could and he doesn’t owe me anything because of that.

mushkamothers

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:11 am

Resentment means your needs aren't being met. You said you sacrifice everything for him. First of all, make sure you have your own life and are taking care of yourself- eating etc. Second welcome to being triggered by your kids. Try to pinpoint what feelings are coming up in you and to sit in them. Your kid is just being a kid. The buttons he's pushing are in you.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:14 am

mushkamothers wrote:

Yes how are you sacrificing for him every moment of every day?
Maybe we can help shift that

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:14 am

amother Mauve wrote:

My 2yo is the same. I keep repeating no hurting mommy and if you need to potch you can potch the couch. After saying a million times it finally sinks in

Does it? 😁 my kids four I’m still working on it
First boy after a string of girls

amother

Navy

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:46 am

In the moment say "hitting hurts so I'm going to take this toy away from you to keep myself safe"
Then Validate what he wants and why he feels that way. He might be frustrated, hungry, tired.... When we feel like that we're moody in different ways and all you want from dh is to be understood and validated right?
Speak to him calmly and stand your ground but at the same time validating that he really wants that and so he's frustrated you said no or because you said your busy.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:13 am

Unpopular stance
Hurting me is a red line in parenting for me. I think I’ve mentioned that before. That goes for verbal AND physical. Even for a toddler.
If it keeps happening and that child is clearly doing it to get his/her way I would hurt the child back. 2-3 times and it won’t happen again.

amother

Navy

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:18 am

giftedmom wrote:

Oy I feel bad for your kids.
They learn from us. We have to model behaviour for them so if they see Im hitting they take it that it's ok to hit. That definitely won't stop the behaviour

Children don't do things to "get their way" they do things because they have a need that isn't met

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:20 am

amother Navy wrote:

Oy I feel bad for your kids.
They learn from us. We have to model behaviour for them so if they see Im hitting they take it that it's ok to hit. That definitely won't stop the behaviour

You go ahead and feel bad for them
It stops the behavior. Abuse is abuse no matter who does it. And I will not be abused in my own home by anyone.
I am modeling intolerance for abuse

amother

Lavender

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:33 am

Physically hurting I answer no, no boo boos for mommy. Or ow ow, a boo boo hurts.

You can also hold down their hand or feet or whatever it was, for 30 seconds. Make eye contact and say no, kicking makes a boo boo, Shlomo doesn't want to make a boo boo.

But yea, I get triggered too... Usually not by diaper changes. Wait till he turns 3 and 4 and answers back in your face....

When he pulls your tights/skirt, he is just frustrated. Try to speak calmly, Mommy will finish the chicken and come to Shlomo. Almost finished. Coming...

SuperWify

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:34 am

giftedmom wrote:

Hitting a child back just teaches him it’s ok to hit.

Op, how are you busy with him all day? Are you a SAHM? It can be exhausting.

Last edited by SuperWify on Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:36 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:35 am

giftedmom wrote:

It does happen again except this time you’re in a physical power struggle with a toddler.

amother

Buttercup

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:38 am

giftedmom wrote:

Wow, wow, wow. Maybe you should read up on child development. Seriously you call it being abused when it's a 2 year old????? To abuse means to treat with cruelty. A 2 year old who doesn't yet know how to control his emotions (which is very normal for that age) is not being cruel to you if he kicks you.
There are ways you an address it, but hurting the child back is very very wrong.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:41 am

amother Buttercup wrote:

Yes maybe I should
I 100% have seen 2 year olds who fully understand that hurting someone can get them what they want. That kind of behavior is abuse, yes.

scruffy

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:41 am

giftedmom wrote:

From personal experience, no, it doesn’t happen again. No power struggle. A quick message that if you hurt people you will be hurt back.

Doesn't it teach them that if you're stronger then you can get your way by hurting others?

Last edited by scruffy on Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:42 am; edited 1 time in total