How not get angry and resentful

amother

Honeysuckle

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:16 pm

I get the same treatment from my 4yr old. I am 8 months pregnant and yesterday he pushed me down the steps. I spoke to him in tears and he just laughed in my face and slapped me across my face. A friend told me there is a therapist who deals with these issues I'm scared of being judged. I grew up with a lot of spanking and I was determined not to hit him. Its so hard though because I don't know how to deal and in public I look completely lost and disoriented when he acts out terribly.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

he would probably just throw the play doh but I’m totally going to try it. Thank you!

As a morah I've found that toddlers who are very physical with others need lots of touch/sensory
And usually teething if biting
I'm no professional but can't hurt to try...
Sand bin, kinetic sand, play doh...

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:18 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

Just joining the thread now. I haven't read every post but op, I think your feelings are very valid and understandable. I would probably have a similar emotional reaction if my child was this way.

I don't know if it's relevant, but keep an eye out for anything concerning in development. Sometimes this kind of thing is a precursor to other challenges. Sometimes not. Meanwhile, wishing you lots of strength Hug

what should I look out for? He’s meeting / exceeding all his milestones. He’s a friendly, happy, social adorable toddler. He just happens to act like a spoiled violent child when he doesn’t get what he wants

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:20 pm

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

I get the same treatment from my 4yr old. I am 8 months pregnant and yesterday he pushed me down the steps. I spoke to him in tears and he just laughed in my face and slapped me across my face. A friend told me there is a therapist who deals with these issues I'm scared of being judged. I grew up with a lot of spanking and I was determined not to hit him. It’s so hard though because I don't know how to deal and in public I look completely lost and disoriented when he acts out terribly.

huge hugs! If it helps I don’t judge you! I don’t think I would hold out that long though. If mh 4 year old is slapping me in the face I would probably slap him right back. That’s definitely not a baby anywhere and is certainly old enough to know not to hit a mother and also old enough to know what the pain feels like and is almost certainly doing it on purpose

amother

Thistle

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

Op are you ever giving in to what he wants when he is aggressive? If he’s bright, and you never yield, then eventually he will see that being aggressive doesn’t work.

amother

Honeysuckle

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:21 pm

amother Snowflake wrote:

Not the OP but this is very interesting. How do I do all that with a carpeted apartment Banging head

amother

Honeysuckle

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

I slapped him back once per my neighbor's advice and when he hit me back I knew that didnt work at the very least. Not at all. It is incredibly hard. I hope you get to nip it in the bud.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:29 pm

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

I slapped him back once per my neighbor's advice and when he hit me back I knew that didnt work at the very least. Not at all. It is incredibly hard. I hope you get to nip it in the bud.

I do know an aggressive child that likes to get hit. He most likely has a sensory issue. I advised his mother to get him a weighted vest, blanket, etc. he doesn’t hurt his parents though. His father would spank him from here til Sunday if he ever tried that. But he gets his Rebbes to hit him in cheder and other kids are terrified of him. It’s clear he needs adhd meds as well.
If any of this resonates maybe get your child evaluated.
For the short term I’d give a different harsh consequence he didn’t like. At the very least I’d lock him or myself into a room (depending on if there are other children present)

amother

NeonPink

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 5:05 am

I would highly recommend u watch supernanny- Jo frost- she teaches you how to discipline in a loving way- if u r dealing w a out of control 2 yr old it will lead u to resentment and frustration and u r not doing him a favor. U can discipline and teach proper behavior. I don’t hit my children but definitely use the naughty step. Bedtime is a fun relaxed time w her method - after the first three days of setting boundaries in a firm but loving way. My house is pleasant my children are pleasant to be around and I love them! Every so often we have to resort back to a firm discipline- but I am not losing control.

amother

Emerald

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 5:09 am

amother OP wrote:

If he continues doing this past toddler age, it would be something to address professionally. Especially if it's occurring outside the comfort zone of home.

Tzutzie

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:04 am

amother OP wrote:

How do you react when he hits you?
Does he get an emotional/hysterical reaction?
He might thrive off of your reaction. Like babies do when they throw food.
I've seen mothers get so upset that their baby threw food off the highchair. Then the baby likes getting an emotional response. And does it again.
When my baby starts throwing food I know she's done eating and I tell her, no more food. "Dee bist 'zat?' (Are you satiated?) OK let's get clean and go play."
Not "oy! That's not nice!" And then the baby giggles. Or the mother picks up the food again and again. And the baby finds it funny to do again and again.

Try saying without getting excited/angry/emotional "this hurts" take away the toy and say "I will put this away until you are able to safely play with this" and remove yourself.
It has to be at an age that they understand language and consequences. At 2 they should.
Younger, then just say no and take away the toy. (Ow can make them feel like they got an emotional reaction out of you)

Again and again and again.
They learn eventually.
And if they don't, then there are bigger things at play that regular chinuch won't suffice.....

deweybyrd

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:06 am

Unpopular stance: I was whacked on the butt a few times as a kid for misbehavior. For the most part I fixed up my act and survived. No shame in a simple thwack on the butt once to stop the behavior. Now MANY MANY TIMES...in fact more than twice I call that HARSH. I've seen 2 yr olds hit. Once my parents even said, "that little kid is going to grow up to be a monster." GUESS WHAT???? The kid was a relative and I saw him many yrs down the road getting kicked out of ALL YESHIVOS at the age of 13. Whatever he did was so charming that even teachers were physically afraid of him. Sadly he isn't frum now. Thwack the backside and save yourself some grief.

Tzutzie

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:09 am

deweybyrd wrote:

Hmmmm I wonder what else was going on there. I'm not sold on the idea that toddlers that hit will grow up to be Problematic teens/adults.
I've seen many a toddler hit. They all grew up to be decent human beings. Or are in the process of....

amother

Emerald

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:09 am

deweybyrd wrote:

There are many kids who get a smack and laugh in their parents faces, and sometimes hit right back. It's not magic.

amother

Teal

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:11 am

deweybyrd wrote:

Surrounded with such adults, what do you expect from the poor child.

One of my DD's has a close friend who is a lovely young lady in her 20's. When they were little I avoided having that girl over as a playdate, she was very difficult and aggressive. She turned out wonderful.

amother

Teal

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:16 am

amother OP wrote:

what consequences would you suggest that’s effective and doesn’t involve hitting. I’m not a hitter bit gifted mom posts are resonating very strongly

I had a child who bit as a toddler. I was advised to restrain her when she bit (hold her with arms at side, or put her in crib) and the biting stopped very quickly.

I would do that with other hurtful behavior. As the professional I consulted with explained, we put tigers in a cage so they can't hurt people. And a child has to understand that if they are hurting other people, they will be restrained to protect the other people.

amother

Steelblue

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:18 am

Maybe you can make up stories to tell him when he's calm about a kid who wants something and doesn't get it and ask him what he would do?
To avoid getting angry, redirect it to Hamas. Yell out - I hate Hamas when you feel yourself getting angry.
My kids are older so I don't remember if they hit but probably my oldest did. Could it be your child is hungry or tired or maybe needs fresh air when he acts out? How is his father's temperment ? Does your son ever act angry with him?

Tzutzie

Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:35 am

Op, your son might need playgroup.
My oldest was very intense and needed the social outlet. At one point she went 2x a week and she was a different child! So content and a lot less intense.

You for yourself, need to fill yourself up. Find a hobby. Get a babysitter and go out.

Do daily walks with him. Find a nice spot yongo to.

Find fun things to do with him that you both can enjoy.
Engage him in daily activities.
My 20 mo will help me sort laundry.
She will help me mix a salad. I'd get the biggest bowl, and put in mixed cut veggies that is only for her and let her mix it with her hands. Take lots of photos!
Put on loud music and dance.

There def is still boring amd difficult childcare to do. But if you do fun things, you will find the day goes by faster and everyone is more Content.

Lastly, if you still find yourself resentful maybe a few sessions of therapy could help you figure out why and how to fix it and how to properly parent him.

He's only little once and you are his only mommy. Be kind to him. Be kind to yourself. And please don't hit him!!!!