How to convey that actions have consequences?

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:10 pm

Preteen dd will knowingly break rules and then will tell me how she has a hard time falling asleep when I’m upset at her.

I’ve told her many times I’m not upset. I’m disappointed. I’m frustrated. I don’t have anything personally against her. I love her!

Right now she’s crying loudly. I can’t listen to this! I want to tell her to go out on the street till she calms down.

She wants me to say what she wants to hear. She’ll promise not to blatantly break rules and I reassure her I’m not “upset” at her. I don’t want to do that.

She’s a people pleaser. But doesn’t follow rules.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:12 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

Is she neurodivergent/ getting help?

What does neurodivergent mean?

She sees a therapist.

amother

Electricblue

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

What does neurodivergent mean?

She sees a therapist.

So this is something to discuss with her therapist. It sounds like it needs to be tailored to her needs and abilities.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:14 pm

It’s so frustrating and I don’t want to completely ignore her or threaten to kick her out for the night like I want to.

But I can’t deal with this at this hour after putting up with her all day.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:16 pm

amother Daisy wrote:

Could you tell us more broken down step by step exactly what happened?

She was doing something she wasn’t allowed to. Been told several times she isn’t allowed to. I walked in on her doing said thing.

I just walked right back out without a word.

Later she came over to me and started randomly giving me an excuse why she did what she did. I told her she doesn’t need to lie. It’s ok.

amother

Daisy

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

So then she went to her room and started crying?

Did she stop doing the thing she wasn't allowed to do?

I don't really understand the problem here, TBH.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:23 pm

amother Daisy wrote:

So then she went to her room and started crying?

Yes. Instead of me being chirpy and upbeat I get a little somber. And she can’t stand it.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:27 pm

amother Daisy wrote:

I don't really understand the problem here, TBH.

She keeps breaking the same rule and wants me to reassure her that I’m not upset at her. If I don’t say what she wants to hear she cries hysterically. She tells me she won’t be able to fall asleep because her throat and stomach will hurt her.

amother

Stone

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:41 pm

This sounds like intense anxiety/borderline OCD. Are these things she struggles with in other areas?
No judgment, I have kids with some of these tendencies.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:42 pm

amother Stone wrote:

This sounds like intense anxiety/borderline OCD. Are these things she struggles with in other areas?
No judgment, I have kids with some of these tendencies.

Definitely has anxiety. I haven’t come across ocd yet. She doesn’t have ocd in other areas. Just the opposite, she’s extremely absent minded.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:43 pm

She knows her actions have consequences. She does it, you get upset, she feels awful. I wonder if there also a little bit of a people pleaser in you. As you say, you can't handle her crying, you can't handle her being upset. With accepting responsibility with accepting that people could be angry at you and making the right choices going forward? I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong. It's not about what you're doing, it's about how you're feeling

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:47 pm

amother Chartreuse wrote:

I’m not getting offended. I’m open to the fact that I might be doing things wrong as well.

I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying.

I can’t handle her crying. Is that me being a people pleaser?

[/quote]With accepting responsibility with accepting that people could be angry at you and making the right choices going forward?[/quote]

Can you explain the above?

amother

Daisy

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 9:54 pm

You have to figure out why she keeps breaking the rule. Clearly she's having a hard time sticking to your standards, and it's bothering her.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:25 pm

amother Daisy wrote:

You have to figure out why she keeps breaking the rule. Clearly she's having a hard time sticking to your standards, and it's bothering her.

I don’t have high standards at all. I’m considered a laid back fun mom.

amother

Daisy

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don’t have high standards at all. I’m considered a laid back fun mom.

It seems that for this particular rule, she's having a hard time, and the reason for that needs to be analyzed. It doesn't mean your standards are high per se. But without being specific, we're not able to address the full picture here.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can you explain the above?

Let's explore why you can't handle her crying. If it's simply the noise, put on headphones. But raising children is noisy business. So I doubt that's all.

What parts of you get triggered when you hear her crying? What parts of you are saying you've got to make it all okay and can't let her cry? Why does it bother you so, why must she stop?

I'm not criticizing at all. I'm just trying to show you a different perspective. Because I can't quite put my finger on it, but there seems to be a common thread between her reaction to your feelings and your reaction to her feelings. I'm wondering if you could figure out what it is if that could help you move forward.

tichellady

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 11:04 pm

Sounds hard. Sending love

I think she gets that actions have consequences but she finds that hard. Perhaps she also has impulse control issues and feels bad that she can’t control her actions better. I remember feeling this way after upsetting my husband when I really wasn’t trying to. Perhaps she’s expressing her pain that she has upset you and wants you to know she does care and respect you but this is a struggle for her