Discomfort with Mitzvah Notes

amother

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:33 am

I have a 3 year old, whom the teacher gives stickers when you bring in mitzvah notes.

I know some people will say eh, come on what's the big deal. But it feels slightly off to me, like somewhat manipulative to the children. Like do a good deed and here you'll get a sticker and everyone will clap. I don't know how to explain my discomfort well.

Does someone understand where I'm coming from? Curious to hear others thoughts.

amother

Iris

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:35 am

I think the mitzvah note itself is uplifting for the child and no prize needed, just make a big deal about it. Yet re the prize, I much prefer the sticker bring given over candy

NechaMom

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:35 am

I don’t get the issue. The teacher is rewarding the child and making them feel good. That’s the way it should be. I see no manipulation just positivity. You’re seeing a problem where there is none.

amother

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:38 am

NechaMom wrote:

I knew people would respond this way. I understand your take, I hear it.
I'm wondering if anyone understands the discomfort that I feel.

btw positivity can also be manipulative.

amother

Topaz

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:38 am

I hear you.

I feel like 3 year olds need all the positivity they can get. If morah gives them a sticker for bringing a mitzva note that is an easy way for the kid to feel good about themselves .

In my daughters class they all clap and sing a song when a kid brings a mitzva note. It’s so good for the kid to get a few seconds of attention.

Personally I pre-write mitzva notes to save myself time in the morning rush with things my child does anyway. Yes it isn’t the most ideal way to be mechanech but it keeps everyone happy and positive.

amother

DarkCyan

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:40 am

When I was a morah I made a big deal of a child with a mitzva note and then asked the kids " Who has a mitzva note they want to tell the class". I don't believe the child who's mother had less time to write the mitzva note has done less mitzvos than the child who actually brought the mitzva note. There was one particular child who never brought any mitzva notes (from a difficult family background) Who always had a ton of oral mitzva notes. I thought to myself that I as a morah deserved a huge mitzva note LOL

amother

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:44 am

amother DarkCyan wrote:

You do!!
I actually am glad the teacher made me aware that the kids send, I would not have known otherwise.

NechaMom

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:45 am

amother DarkCyan wrote:

Wow! That is so impressive! We need more morahs like you. However, I don’t really want to be too positive to you. Soon I’ll be blamed that I’m being manipulative! What

BatyaEsther

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:52 am

amother DarkCyan wrote:

When I was a morah I made a big deal of a child with a mitzva note and then asked the kids " Who has a mitzva note they want to tell the class". I don't believe the child whose mother had less time to write the mitzva note has done less mitzvos than the child who actually brought the mitzva note. There was one particular child who never brought any mitzva notes (from a difficult family background) Who always had a ton of oral mitzva notes. I thought to myself that I as a morah deserved a huge mitzva note LOL

You rock!!!
Not only did you enable children with moms who were an able to send notes to be acknowledged and proud, but you also taught these kids to take ownership and pride in themselves and to speak up and advocate/acknowledge themselves.
Kol Hakavod. I hope you have plans to go back to EC education or at least mentoring other teachers. We need more Morah’s like you.

Ilana Tamar

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:58 am

I get the manipulative part of it. Kind of like "If your mom can get her act together and write a mitzvah note, you get a sticker. If she doesn't, you lose."
That being said, this isn't my gut reaction. It wouldn't bother me if my child's teacher did this, but once OP vented, I think I can understand where she is coming from. She feels manipulated to write the mitzvah note so that her child can get the sticker.

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:59 am

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

It's called lishma

mitoch shelo lishma bah lishma.

These are 3 year olds. it's about making them feel good. Positive association with doing mitzvos. Not with the actual content.

BatZion

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 11:00 am

Actually I do understand where you're coming from OP.
I hate that my kids get into the headspace of "if I'll do this, you'll write me mitzvah note?"
I understand how good it makes them feel when they read out the notes and make a big deal of it, but yeah, it feels a bit manipulative and fake.
I don't love it, but we do it because that's what's done, and I don't want my kids to be the only ones not bringing in notes.

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 11:01 am

BatZion wrote:

I don't think a child should have to do things to get a mitzvah note. They should get one for doing normal things that are mitzvos.

"Chanie helped clean up the toys"
"Moshe played nicely with his brother"

amother

Stoneblue

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 11:05 am

Op I agree with you.

All I can say is “welcome to the next 15 years of your daughters life!”

Every single aspect of our school system functions this way, and it’s terrible. Stickers for Mitzvah notes are from the small things.

Read the book ‘punished by reward’ for more about this topic.

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 11:08 am

BatZion wrote:

There's a big difference between a kid saying if I do this mitzva will u give me a prize or treat vs will u write a mitzva note.
If they ask for a prize I wouldn't, and would explain that they can do it lishma, I'll decide if and when to reward you etc.
But for the mitzva note- I'd say "sure!" They're excited about what they did or will do and want to share it with their class. That's beautiful. A mitzvah note is not a reward for the mitzva. It's sharing your victory with others. Would you also not tell Abba or Bubby the mitzvah they did?