Discomfort with Mitzvah Notes

BatZion

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:09 am

Chayalle wrote:

I don't think a child should have to do things to get a mitzvah note. They should get one for doing normal things that are mitzvos.

"Chanie helped clean up the toys"
"Moshe played nicely with his brother"

Absolutely. I never say anything along those lines (Do this and I'll write you a note). But this is what my girls turn around and say. When my boys were their age, they were much less interested and wouldn't ask, but the girls do...

mommyhood

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:11 am

It definitely rubs me the wrong way. The kids who are bringing in mitzvos are getting a lot of positive attention from when the parent wrote the mitzvah note to the fanfare when it's read in school. Those who don't are already feeling left out now they have a visual reminder all day that their Mommy didn't send one in.

amother

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:15 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

Op I agree with you.

All I can say is “welcome to the next 15 years of your daughters life!”

Every single aspect of our school system functions this way, and it’s terrible. Stickers for Mitzvah notes are from the small things.

Read the book ‘punished by reward’ for more about this topic.

yes, thank you, someone gets it!

and Sad

about the schools. Maybe we should team up and create a school that doesn't do this Wink

amother

Lemonlime

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:16 am

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

It's called lishma

Not for a little kid. Doing the right thing for external reasons leads to doing them lishma. I believe this is a torah concept.

Shuly

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:20 am

My kid's morah said that mitzvah notes are a way for her to highlight each child and let each one have a chance to shine. She told us that we can just write two words on a paper and that is good enough because she will embellish it and make the kids feel so good.

amother

Lemonlime

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:22 am

We manipulate our kids all the time. We try to develop them in the way that we want. We give Shabbos party to make them excited about Shabbos, play Uncle Moishy to inculcate them with Orthodox Jewish beliefs from a young age. Maybe someone would say it's wrong but I think it's wrong to let a young child figure out the world for themselves blindly.

amother

Seashell

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:23 am

BatZion wrote:

Actually I do understand where you're coming from OP.
I hate that my kids get into the headspace of "if I'll do this, you'll write me mitzvah note?"
I understand how good it makes them feel when they read out the notes and make a big deal of it, but yeah, it feels a bit manipulative and fake.
I don't love it, but we do it because that's what's done, and I don't want my kids to be the only ones not bringing in notes.

Why do you hate that? I don't see a problem with that.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:24 am

amother Topaz wrote:

I hear you.

I feel like 3 year olds need all the positivity they can get. If morah gives them a sticker for bringing a mitzva note that is an easy way for the kid to feel good about themselves .

In my daughters class they all clap and sing a song when a kid brings a mitzva note. It’s so good for the kid to get a few seconds of attention.

Personally I pre-write mitzva notes to save myself time in the morning rush with things my child does anyway. Yes it isn’t the most ideal way to be mechanech but it keeps everyone happy and positive.

I think it’s only manipulation if you use it that way- you’ll only get a mitzvah note if you do x.

I use it as positive affirmation, you don’t need to do something extra special, and even if you “not behaving” you’re still a mitzvah girl so we find something small each day to focus on

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:25 am

Shuly wrote:

I also can text my kids morah mitzvah notes. Makes it easier if I forget.

NechaMom

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:28 am

I give my kids mitzvah notes weekly. There’s always something to write even if it’s only that they didn’t kill anyone that day. Of course, if they did something extraordinary I write that and that makes them feel very good. Positive reinforcement is what I’d call it. Manipulation has a negative ring to it. If positive reinforcement is manipulative then it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s good chinuch.

kenz

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:32 am

I wish my bgger-but-still little ones were still asked to bring in mitzvah notes. I think they are immensely helpful and provide real incentive for kids who are still too little to appreciate the power of a mitzvah for its own merit.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:34 am

amother Hosta wrote:

I'm an FTM and have a 2.5 yo in playgroup. I hadn't thought about mitzvah notes and the morah never mentioned anything. Am I supposed to be sending for this age Surprised

Ask the morah. Usually starts at 2 in my experience.

amother

Leaf

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:41 am

Ilana Tamar wrote:

I get the manipulative part of it. Kind of like "If your mom can get her act together and write a mitzvah note, you get a sticker. If she doesn't, you lose."
That being said, this isn't my gut reaction. It wouldn't bother me if my child's teacher did this, but once OP vented, I think I can understand where she is coming from. She feels manipulated to write the mitzvah note so that her child can get the sticker.

I feel manipulated into getting my kid dressed so he can get to school.

You do what you gotta do.

amother

Leaf

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:42 am

amother OP wrote:

yes, thank you, someone gets it!

and Sad

about the schools. Maybe we should team up and create a school that doesn't do this Wink

I'm really curious, how will such a school acknowledge good behavior or hard work?

amother

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:46 am

amother Leaf wrote:

I'm really curious, how will such a school acknowledge good behavior or hard work?

There are schools like that for example Montessori schools. I believe they don't give rewards for good behavior but rather allow the child to naturally feel the good feeling of what they did or accomplished, they validate what they see but don't offer external rewards. I think it's a longer term strategy than offering rewards for good behavior.

mommyhood

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:48 am

amother Leaf wrote:

I'm really curious, how will such a school acknowledge good behavior or hard work?

The mitzvah note IS the acknowledgement for that instance of good behavior. I don’t have any issue with reward systems for in school behavior I don’t see this as the same category.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:48 am

amother OP wrote:

I knew people would respond this way. I understand your take, I hear it.
I'm wondering if anyone understands the discomfort that I feel.

btw positivity can also be manipulative.

No. Positivity is showing the kid that we value good behavior. Hashem does the same.

amother

Peachpuff

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 8:51 am

amother OP wrote:

Hi, teacher in a Montessori school here.
We strongly build a child's intrinsic motivation while recognizing that it's a life long process. We have Mitzvah notes and use it as an opportunity to highlight how they're bringing Moshiach and encouraging them to be proud of themselves. Celebrating accomplishments is a big part of building intrinsic motivation.
The difference between what we do and what regular schools might do is we would say "Wow! moishy is bringing Moshiach! Moishy, I hope you're so proud of yourself" as opposed to "moishy is a Mitzva boy! I'm so proud of you!"
We make it about the child's feeling towards their accomplishment as opposed to how proud we are as the adults.