Please help me do damage control

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 5:04 am

Last night I was having a hard time - breast pain (any prolonged physical pain sends me round the bend Punch

), went to the bathroom for 30 seconds and came out to find my toddler had somehow managed to dump out the drainboard (with sharp items like a knife, pizza cutter—I thought he couldn’t reach them but apparently he could), I had a boatload to do for regular motzoei Shabbos cleanup, and in general my anxiety was building.

I told my toddler that either he could play in the living room (instead of the kitchen) with his blocks and other toys or he would have to go in his crib with his busy board. I offered him the choice four times and told him I needed to do some things in the kitchen without him getting in the way. After he kept trying to pull off the tablecloth (for the third time, and the last thing we needed is crumbs or broken dishes all over the place - we typically only use a tablecloth on Shabbos because of kavod Shabbos but I would just as soon skip it because it’s a magnet for him), I finally said - OK that’s it, I put him in his crib with his busy board, and went to go clean up. He threw his busy board on the floor and then was upset that he couldn’t reach it (we are working on trying not to throw things). My anxiety was getting higher and higher. When DH finally got home I was a monster—snapping, told him he needed to keep toddler out of my hair, bit his head off when he was reading to our toddler in the living room because the sound was grating on me… b’kitzur not the calm and cheerful wife and mommy I aspire to be. Toddler was picking up on my frustration and tension and anxiety and I was just in a really really bad mood.

I apologized to my toddler last night for being in a bad mood, and gave him lots of hugs and kisses before bed, sang to him, and tried to be extra attentive and cuddly with him this morning. He is still wary of me and I want to repair the relationship—he’s so little and vulnerable and it’s not his fault that I got super frustrated and was snapping at everybody last night.

Please be gentle in your responses…I’m really struggling right now. Thank you Sad

BH DH has been very supportive and understanding, which I am grateful for.

Rachel Shira

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 5:10 am

You’re doing a great job! Motzei Shabbos in the winter is a hard time. I assume you’re someplace where Shabbos ends 5:30ish, and toddler goes to bed sometime soon after your husband gets home?
This doesn’t take care of the drain board issue but in general I would save any cleanup for after he goes to sleep and just focus on him, get him calm and ready for bed then. It will be a (slightly) calmer evening.

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 9:39 am

Rachel Shira wrote:

Motzoei Shabbos is hard always Sad

I’m exhausted emotionally and physically and just done and no matter how early Shabbos ends I don’t seem to be able to get to bed at a normal hour. So there’s that stress and then DH wants our toddler to be up for havdalah so bedtime couldn’t happen until after that…agh.

I changed the drain board to one he hopefully can't reach as easily, but he also figured out how to use a chair to reach things higher up. How does anyone have a functioning house with a toddler around?!

Any suggestions for what I can do today to try to reconnect and help my toddler feel extra safe and loved?

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 9:41 am

the world's best mom wrote:

I agree. Sit on the floor and play with him. He's being a normal, active toddler who wants things he sees and also wants attention from his mommy. The dishes will wait to be washed after he's asleep.

As you play with m, he will be happy and yummy, and you will see how precious he is and you will enjoy him.

He’s a lovey snuggly baby and I love him so so much!! I had spent the past 45 minutes straight playing with him and reading to him. I wasn’t washing dishes at the moment he went for the drainboard (I was in the bathroom for 30 seconds Mad

) but I didn’t want him to grab the sharp items so I needed to move the dishes out of reach…we have very little counter space and no dishwasher.

amother

Obsidian

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:10 am

I had a stairgate on my kitchen door when they were at that stage. That way my toddler couldn't get into the kitchen, unless I was there and able to supervise. I also make a point of having bathroom doors closed.
Toddlers are not very good at doing what they're told. They are very immediate and will usually not respond to being told what to do, or even offer choices.
Depending on which of my toddlers, some would happily sit in the kitchen with me, emptying out the pots and pans, which I was fine with. Some would sit outside the gate with a box of toys. Others would just get around the house, which is also fine.
It's about pre-empting as much as possible. Toddler likes to pull tablecloth, okay so first thing is to clear the table. The dishes can be dumped on the counter to be dealt with later, but once that is off the table, that's one less issue to worry about. Whatever you can do to reduce the risks or hazards, you should do.
I would say that most toddlers would not be capable of making the choice you offered. It's quite a high level thinking for that stage of development. I would probably have just put him in the crib with some toys, done that clearing of the table, then waited for dh to come back before trying to do anything else.
I also find putting music on keeps my mood better.
Toddlers are very hard work. They really keep you busy.

amother

Clear

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:20 am

amother OP wrote:

Motzoei Shabbos is hard always Sad

Get him together with my twins toddler boys and they can destroy the world together! I know!! It's so hard!!