If you don't like saying how many children you have

Tao

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 9:50 pm

behappy2 wrote:

I think it's rude to ask someone how many children they have, as a way of making conversation or being nosey.

It's not nice. It's none of your business. For so many reasons it's just not appropriate. Would you ask someone how much money they make?

Those are two compeltely different questions.
"Oh, I was up all night with the baby! My daughter was in my bed cuz she had a stomach bug and I promised my son I'd make a cake for his siyum today....so yeah it's been crazy!"
"Wow! How many kids do you have? That sounds like a handful!"
"Oh....more than a handful/all of them/enough to keep us busy/we dont count/insert weird evasive response here"
I mean, you were literally talking about your kids, which is a very normal subject. So don't be surprised if someone asks how many you have.

Most people aren't like, "Oh, you like my sheitel? It's a $10,000 custom one. I just bought one 3 weeks ago but I'm sick of it so I got this one. I'll probably leave the first one at one of our 16 vacation homes, whichever one we go to next. You heard we bought out the rest of our neighborhood? Yeah, for our future grandchildren, bezH. " If you talk like this, you also shouldn't be surprised to hear, how much do you make?

It's pretty much understood that asking about what's in people's bank accounts is inappropriate. But seriously, if you go somewhere with your kids, or you have family pictures in your house, people are going to know the number. It doesn't have to be a state secret. Your bank balance is not something others need to see,

Tao

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 9:59 pm

amother Eggshell wrote:

I live very OOT and I have a lot of contact with non-religious Jews, where 2 kids is the norm. Sometimes I'll answer, "I have 4 girls" which is true, cause if I say how many kids I have they simply stare at me like I've fallen from the moon. And in the frum world it's probably less than the average. Actually all my siblings have more kids than me except 1.

Again. So what? That's their issue. My non-Jewish neighbor probably looked at me weirdly when I asked him to come into my house to turn on my own heating system because I apparently don't know how to do this on a Saturday. Who cares?

amother

Wheat

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:43 am

I don't get why you can't answer the simple question. Reminds me of my neighbor who runs away from me every time she sees me because I am going through secondary infertility and she has more kids. Others having more kids have nothing to do with me, I am happy for them. Not giving anyone an ayin hara. Her behavior is more attention seeking then a regular person..

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 5:09 am

Weird attitude that I don't connect to on any level. It's annoying and makes an innocent question awkward.

It gives off vibes of "well, I kinda lost count" as opposed to "every single one of my children is a beautiful, wanted, precious soul and an entire world, and I am so grateful to Hashem for every single one of them."

And I say that as someone who has had numerous miscarriages and for whom pregnancies and children are not taken for granted at all.

amother

Stone

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 5:42 am

From the answers here, this is an honest question - for those who don't like to say how many kids, is it because you're ashamed? Because other people think you have too many or or too many too close together or similar? Because you have too few? Because you had too young or too old? Because you think others are judging you? I would think we should be proud of how many children you have instead of feeling ashamed or worrying what other people think?

I had only 1 child for over a decade, it wasn't a question I loved answering either. But I would answer and it would be awkward sometimes and then it would be over. No sense in me dwelling on it or feeling ashamed or overly awkward. I had only 1 kid, that's what Hashem gave me, it is out of my hands. You have 15 kids, that's what Hashem gave you. Baruch Hashem for each and every child, no matter how many or how few, so why not be proud of what Hashem gave you? The more people talk casually about how many or how few kids there are, the less of a big deal it is to those around us.

That's just my opinion, I really hope I haven't offended anyone, I just would really like to understand please.

amother

Steel

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 6:55 am

Where I live I feel people in the chareidi world are often judged how amazing they are by the nr of kids they have.
This is how it was, possibly still is.
And it's sad.
There's more to having an accomplished and fulfilled life regardless of the number of kids you have.

cbsp

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 7:04 am

amother Copper wrote:

forgive my simple mind
didn't hkbh count the yidden BC we are precious to him? don't we count the things we love? be proud of the BH number, each child is a beautiful neshama lent to you by Hashem.

There is an inyan not to count Bnei Yisroel directly.

That's the reason for machatzis hashekel - everyone would give and then they'd count the coins, not the people directly.

There was a terrible plague in the days of Dovid HaMelech when he directly took a census.

That's why when counting for a minyan they use a posuk with 10 words (that has a connotation of Bracha for klal Yisroel). (or as my kids joke, when you use the song the minyan ends up being 15 - hoshia es amecha. U'varech es nachalasecha. Ur'eim, Ur'eim, Ur'eim. Ur'eim v'naseim. Ur'eim v'naseim ad olam).

I'm not sure why people take it personally but I also don't understand answering rudely/sarcastically. Wouldn't that response just draw an ayin hora anyway (albeit now for a different reason) ?

amother

Foxglove

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 7:16 am

amother OP wrote:

Seems like we're the minority. Is there nobody other than us 2 who don't like putting a number on our children? And I'm generally not a secretive person.

And when I said comeback, I didn't mean because the question was out of line. All I'm looking for is a nice way to say "I'd rather not say".

Thats honestly the nicest and most common way to respond.

A "comeback" implies youre trying to one up the questioner and make them feel stupid because you dont like the question. Glad to hear thats not the case.

amother

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 7:30 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

No, that's absolutely not my game. I don't think it's a dumb/inappropriate question, but I'm still allowed to prefer not to answer. And I like to respond in a way that doesn't make the other person feel awkward.

amother

Indigo

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 10:12 am

amother OP wrote:

I think what you are being told is that that's impossible.

Personally, I'd rather hear "I'd prefer not to discuss that" than any snappier comeback.

behappy2

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 10:23 am

Here are reasons not to ask:

Some ppl don't have kids

Some ppl have infertility

Some ppl have small families due to other reasons and they are uncomfortable about it

Some ppl have large families because birth control doesn't agree with them and they are judged for "popping one out every year" forgive my language

It's an ayin hora

Some ppl have lost children

Some ppl don't have custody of their children

Some ppl are divorced and so have fewer children

I'm sure I'm missing some...

hotpretzel

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:30 am

behappy2 wrote:

I feel like people don't just ask as the first question when they meet someone

But if you know someone for a little while like a new-ish neighbor or coworker and they are talking about their children I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "oh they sound so cute, how many do you have?"

hotpretzel

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:31 am

amother OP wrote:

Why?
I'm just so curious what bothers you about such a simple question

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:49 am

Can you explain the rationale behind not wanting to say?

My children are my pride and joy the most precious gift from Hashem. Each child is a world and I’m so grateful to be part of it. Each child is priceless.

Is it ayin Hara?
Are you embarrassed? (Too much, too little?)
If cvs someone lost a child I can understand but otherwise….