If you don't like saying how many children you have

amother

Bottlebrush

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:43 pm

Tao wrote:

"Hi, Mazel tov for the new baby! We'd like to set up a meal train. How many portions should we tell people to make?"
"More than a handful, bH"
"......Um.....ok"

"Hi, would your daughter be interested in babysitting? I have a simcha tomorrow and I'm really desperate!"
"Sure, how many kids do you have?"
"More than a handful, bH"
".....ok.....I'm not sure she's available....."

Totally different. A straight question gets a straight answer. And btw you're not asking how many kids I have. Maybe I have children in yeshiva who you don't have to make supper for. Maybe some of my kids are not home. And I got your follow up with, x portions? That's such a large family! And I don't feel bad saying the number of portions., thinking about how many portions I would have rather had. Big difference if there's a reason or you're just making small talk

amother

Steel

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:44 pm

I stopped asking people how many kids they have for the reason being, they may simply not want to say.
I hate telling people how many I have. It's painful to say as I always wanted more but got divorced. I feel grateful for what I have but its hard for me because most people a d all my friends nearly have more.

So I don't feel comfortable to say.

amother

Forsythia

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:55 pm

Where is this idea coming from? Do you feel it’s a competition to have more children? I’m so confused why it would be a secret.

Usually people ask you that question to a: make small talk they don’t really care or b: to get a feel for your lifestyle. A mom of 10 has a different day of a mom of 1. They want to know you.

I am proud to say how many kids I have, because I’m proud of every single child. They’re not just a jumble of kids, they are each an individual world.

bp1234

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:59 pm

I once asked someone and her response was “we don’t count” just left me feeling dumb and confused. Like how do you even continue a conversation from there?!

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 7:59 pm

As a hospital SW it’s a fairly routine question when conducting our assessment. It’s hard to believe how often I read (in charts) or write in my own notes ‘mother declined to say how many children she has’’ when it’s such an innocuous question. I usually find when families are guarded with this question they’re guarded with others too.

amother

Forsythia

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:00 pm

Actually the only time when I would hear this question being asked, not in good jest, was when the questioner felt you had TOO MANY children.

For example a condescending non frum relative
Or to a woman who has 5 under 5.

Tao

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:04 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

So what? Just respond right back to them!
My sister-in-law was once watching her sister's kids, and a non-Jew asked how many kids she had. My sil proudly answered that they are her sister's kids and she has 13, isn't she incredible? The woman started berating her - doesn't your sister care about the environment?! - and my sil was like, "Lucky we don't believe the world has been around for millions of years, nor do we believe it's designed to last millions more!" And that was the end of that! LOL

amother

Tomato

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:06 pm

bp1234 wrote:

I once asked someone and her response was “we don’t count” just left me feeling dumb and confused. Like how do you even continue a conversation from there?!

My mil will answer like this about anyone she knows. My distinct impression is that she uses this answer to act superior and wants to shut ppl down. I think she wants u to feel dumb and confused. And uses it to make herself feel good. Stupidest thing ever. Just be straight up and say I prefer not to say or say it. Stupid comebacks and evasive weird answers are idiotic.

Tao

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:11 pm

amother Tomato wrote:

That's my exact thoughts on secretive people. I don't engage in their games. It's like my four-year-old, who will say, "Nah,nah, You don't even know what I have" except he's four, so it's age appropriate. On an adult, it's just so immature. I bedavka don't ask these people questions so as not to give them this satisfaction LOL

(Yup - I'm immature in my own way!) You can play all the games you like sister, but I ain't playing them with you! (Talking about those who like keeping EVERYTHING a secret)

Tao

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:16 pm

bp1234 wrote:

I once asked someone and her response was “we don’t count” just left me feeling dumb and confused. Like how do you even continue a conversation from there?!

This would make a great home alone movie! "We didn't realize we left 3 of our kids behind. We don't really know how many we have, officer. We don't count them, you see."
Tongue Out

Tao

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:39 pm

Tao wrote:

This would make a great home alone movie! "We didn't realize we left 3 of our kids behind. We don't really know how many we have, officer. We don't count them, you see."
Tongue Out

Eta: "Yes, we just looked in the back, saw that there were "more than a handful, bH" and "enough to keep us busy" , so off we went!"

hotpretzel

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm not a very big believer in ayin hara, so I'm not sure why but I get peeved when people ask how many children I have. I usually just say "more than a handful, bh". Which is true, a handful being 5 and I bh have more than 5.

Any other good comebacks?

I'm curious why you get peeved when people ask you how many children you have

cbsp

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:51 pm

amother Chocolate wrote:

Do you mean this literally? Because if that's the case, give a list of names.

You mean like this?

Path: Hebrew, Songs, Tehillim & Tefilos, מוזיקה וחזנות, אלבומים לילדים באנגלית, Shmuel Kunda-English, Boruch Learns About Shabbos

Shiur Title: 09 - Zemiros
(this Shiur is available for listening only, not for downloading)

https://www.kolhalashon.com/ne.....glish

Starts at 22 seconds until 2:37 (wait for the punchline) (then stay afterwards to enjoy the gadlus of Rabbi Kunda)

amother

Eggshell

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:59 pm

I live very OOT and I have a lot of contact with non-religious Jews, where 2 kids is the norm. Sometimes I'll answer, "I have 4 girls" which is true, cause if I say how many kids I have they simply stare at me like I've fallen from the moon. And in the frum world it's probably less than the average. Actually all my siblings have more kids than me except 1.

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 9:03 pm

I find it weird.

I work with a wedding photographer. before every wedding we call the families to discuss what time we'll start pictures which is based on family size and how many of them are married and how many are boys/girls (girls need more time for more poses etc...). The answers we get are so odd.
ME: how many kids do you have?
Client: Around ten
Me: Are any of them are married?
Client: Maybe 7 or 8
Me:How many single daughters?
Client: I think 3 or 4
Me: Do you have any single sons?
Client: yes, not a lot

we're gonna find out by the wedding anyway cant you just sound like you know how many kids you have?? To me it sounds like I have too many so they're just one big lump some without individual identity. Its prob for ayin hora reasons or something like that but it sounds so off.

bp1234

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 9:20 pm

Tao wrote:

Eta: "Yes, we just looked in the back, saw that there were "more than a handful, bH" and "enough to keep us busy" , so off we went!"

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

octopus

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 9:29 pm

Tao wrote:

(Yup - I'm immature in my own way!) You can play all the games you like sister, but I ain't playing them with you! (Talking about those who like keeping EVERYTHING a secret)

I agree. I think it's extremely dysfunctional behavior. I know people like this. Secrets and lies. I hate it. Just be straight. Of course people like this have no problem being curious and squeezing info out of you. Nope, not playing either.

amother

Azure

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 9:41 pm

I know a few families in my neighborhood who “don’t count”.
It’s beyond odd to me.
Every child is a whole neshama, a whole world to love.
”we don’t count” makes it sounds like it doesn’t matter to you if there are five more or five less.
I wonder how these kids who “aren’t counted” feel.

behappy2

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 9:41 pm

I think it's rude to ask someone how many children they have, as a way of making conversation or being nosey.

It's not nice. It's none of your business. For so many reasons it's just not appropriate. Would you ask someone how much money they make?