Call me a mean mommy but I was at my wits end

amother

Aster

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 3:52 pm

amother Pink wrote:

Im sorry this is terrible! I actually do think op is abusive. I get that a mother can have stressful nights and I can hear a stressed reaction being a smack on the hand when you lose it but twisting a hand is not a normal human reaction, its an abusive one! My guess is that op was possibly abused as a child.
What concerns me here is that op has gotten many responses saying its not ok and not once has she responded with remorse just justifying her behavior by saying she has tried everything and defending herself by portraying her other amazing parenting methods and saying shes not abusive.
I have a child that age and there are so many ideas to make bedtime run smoothly, the image of a mother twisting a toddlers hand makes me sick to my stomach

You hit the nail on the head. This is whats bothering me most I don’t see OP acknowledge anywhere that what she did is not ok. Those who are defending her are saying that she’s obviously regretful but I really don’t see that anywhere on this thread.

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 3:55 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Exactly. And the fact that OP threatened her daughter that she'd do it again, doesn't show remorse or guilt either.

amother

Papayawhip

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 4:19 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Not at all....not sure why it came over like that. I wrote 'a couple of times', but ok I appreciate your explanation.

I was actually trying to reassure OP that it happens, it's wrong, but it can be worked on and does not mean you're doomed for life and nor is your child.

I was beaten up, scratched, kicked, had my hair pulled and screamed at for my entire childhood by a parent. Yes you read that right. Right up until I got married.

And it was all my fault, after all I was naughty so I deserved it, right? Even my grandparents thought so, so it must be true, right?

When I was arguing with my brother and my parent threw a toy at me because it was the nearest thing to hand, and it hit my brother who needed stitches on his cheek, it was my fault. Because I was fighting, right??

I made a vow that I will never ever hit a child of mine.

I did tho, twice. Many many years ago and took immediate action to make sure that it never ever happened again.

BH it didn't. So it is rather jarring when posters presume from my post that I think it's OK.

Wow! I feel like in your first post you didn't give yourself enough credit. Context is everything. And in context you're a pretty inspiring human being.

amother

Papayawhip

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 4:22 pm

OP, if you're still here, I think there's one more suggestion to be made even though we're on page 8.

I want to think about your day. Not your bedtime routine, but what happened before that. How are you feeling by the time you get your baby gets to bed? (Yes, she's a baby.) What can you do so that you feel less drained, and have more patience for bedtime? What can you do to take care of yourself during the day? What can you do to reduce your own stress at night?

I think thinking about this could take you to some good places.

If it's all the chores that need to get done at night, could some of them perhaps get done earlier? Or while your baby's running around before you put her back to bed? If it's that you need some adult alone time, can you take some for yourself? Even locking yourself in the room if necessary? Or is there something else you can give yourself so you approach bedtime with a little more patience?

CPenzias

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 4:27 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Exactly. And the fact that OP threatened her daughter that she'd do it again, doesn't show remorse or guilt either.

Of course she has remorse! That's why she posted in the first place.
Glad you're so perfect. It's nice to know there are in fact perfect people.

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 4:30 pm

CPenzias wrote:

Of course she has remorse! That's why she posted in the first place.
Glad you're so perfect. It's nice to know there are in fact perfect people.

I never claimed to be perfect.
It's not either perfect or twisting the arm of a 3 year old & threatening to do it again.....

amother

Hawthorn

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 4:43 pm

amother Linen wrote:

That's a totally different situation. Sorry, it doesn't belong in this discussion for OP.

THAT is true abuse.

I got the strap twice in my life. Was I abused nooooo. Did it teach me a lesson? Defyes
Though would I do it to my kids never.
I feel like certain punishments make you think abuse right away. But first you gotta know the reason for it and how often it occurs.

amother

Heather

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 4:47 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

You were abused in a socially acceptable way. There is no other context in which it wouldn't be considered assault.

CPenzias

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 4:53 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

I never claimed to be perfect.
It's not either perfect or twisting the arm of a 3 year old & threatening to do it again.....

I'll ask again, do you keep chiming in to make the op feel like [dirt] or do you actually have suggestions? You already said your piece probably 10 times

[Edited by mod. Expletives are not allowed on this site.]

amother

Arcticblue

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 4:58 pm

Didn’t read whole
Thread BUT

my mother used to sit on a chair in my room (which I shared with my sister ) till
We fell asleep.

We weren’t allowed to talk after shema.

She just sat,
Silent & we ended up falling asleep

What about that idea? It’s super simple yet effective

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 5:00 pm

CPenzias wrote:

I'll ask again, do you keep chiming in to make the op feel like $hit or do you actually have suggestions? You already said your piece probably 10 times

I'm replying to posts. This is what a discussion means. We're all entitled to our opinions.
And I've given suggestions several times already upthread. But I'm also responding to other posts as well.

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 5:01 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

Being hit with a belt, is an abusive action. Even if it was only once. The act is abusive.

CPenzias

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 5:02 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

I'm replying to posts. This is what a discussion means. We're all entitled to our opinions.
And I've given suggestions several times already upthread. But I'm also responding to other posts as well.

You're repetitive.

amother

Midnight

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 5:12 pm

I had this issue with my son who is 4 coming out of bed. I went to the dollar store and bought a bag full of prizes. I showed them to him. Every morning when he stays in his bed the whole night he gets a prize. This has worked amazingly well.

amother

Aster

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 5:26 pm

CPenzias wrote:

I'll ask again, do you keep chiming in to make the op feel like $hit or do you actually have suggestions? You already said your piece probably 10 times

Why r u on her case she is entitled to chime in as many times as she wants. You comment on every one of her comments we get it you don’t agree with her

mummiedearest

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 5:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

She has a normal bedtime consisting of a book, shema, kiss, tucked in and a cd to listen to. She has a weighted blanket which doesn't even help. She gets right back out of bed and runs around wild until I send her back to bed. She does it as a game. Idk what else to do. She doesn't understand the concept of a reward chart.

Take her by the hand and put her back in bed. Do not talk to her or engage with her. You can remind her that it’s bedtime by saying, “ time for bed, sweetie,” the first time, but no need to repeat. Do not show anger or annoyance. Just be matter of fact. It may take a few long nights, but she’ll get the idea. You don’t need threats or incentives on this one.

amother

IndianRed

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 5:57 pm

Amazon sells tents that zip shut if all else fails.

Maybe spend a few more minutes next to her bed singing to her or just sit quietly so she feels safe and secure in her bed.

Maybe she needs more physical activity during the day and she will be tired. In the winter, kids are not as active.

Maybe she is hungry amd needs to improve her diet during the day

Maybe keep a sippy cup with water near her bed.

Maybe the house is noisy and she is having fomo.

A cd with stories can keep kids up. Best is soothing music with no words. Makes them relaxed and sleepy.

Is her room dark with good blinds and door shut?

It's not easy putting a 3 yo to bed, it does take creativity and patience.

Good luck!

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 5:59 pm

amother Jade wrote:

Wow, can I just say that I'm in absolute awe of you? You not only broke the cycle of violence and gave your kids a healthy childhood, you also managed to retain a relationship with your parents! Kol hakovod a million times over, I cannot begin to imagine the tremendous strength and grit it took on your part!

Thanks!!

It didn't just take tremendous growth and stregnth, it continues to take stregnth and growth.
Each and every day I wake up and say anew 'I'm continuing to be a calm mom'.

You're not the only poster who didn't get the full picture. All I said that I've hit my kid twice and everyone yells Damage! Abuse! Get help! Etc. So thank you for realising that not abuse is equal.

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 5:59 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Great so what you taught her tonight is when you don't know what else to do hurt someone

And the next question is, what happens when the “gentle twist of the arm” doesn’t do the trick any more?