Call me a mean mommy but I was at my wits end

amother

NeonBlue

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 11:56 am

amother OP wrote:

With my 3yo tonight. How many times can I have patience for her when she keeps getting out of bed. I gently twisted her arm and told her I'll have to do it again if she gets out of bed. It worked. I tried everything else nothing worked

OUCH!! Please don't twist your precious child's hand! Please! I also have a 3 year old daughter who gets out of bed at night and wouldn't dream of touching or hurting my precious child. There are other ways. Please get yourself parenting help asap. I'm crying thinking of a mother hurting her child. I've been at the receiving end and it's beyond painful and I don't just mean physically. The hurt, the shame, the feeling of worthlessness, feeling unloved like the woman who's supposed to love me and be there for me is hurting me. Oh, your poor child. Crying

amother

Eggshell

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 11:58 am

I also struggled with bedtime with my daughter at that age. We eventually found out that she had ADHD. What I finally wound up doing was reading to her for four hours every night, 7-11. Compared to the struggle of trying to get her into bed, It was the least awful alternative. My night ended at 7 and I didn't do anything else. The positive attention wasn't bad for her either. When she got older and understood incentives, I promised her a huge prize if she went to bed at 9:30 for two months. By then she was old enough to control herself. For the first month she spent a lot of time just lying in bed but by the second month, she was falling asleep.

amother

Candycane

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 11:58 am

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Sorry? Cycle of hurting and apologising?

I said a 'couple of times'. Two occasions with two different children.

I've been a mother 28 years and have a double digit family, and it's happened on two isolated occasions.

And I took steps to ensure it never happened again.

Your initial post seemed to say that you don’t think this warrants intervention/ the op doing anything drastic because this is ok and no harm was done.

amother

Anemone

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:36 pm

amother Powderblue wrote:

Voice of dissent here.
It’s never ok to hurt a child. You need to figure out other methods.
BUT, it is in the realm of normal. NOT OK, but most parents do end up using light physical force with their children.

Yes, you were at your wits end. You were triggered. You were exhausted.

You also know it was NOT the right thing to do.

But for people to tell you they’ve never ever ever used physical force or manipulation on their kids is probably not true…

I always marvel how when people can't fathom something other than what they personally do or know, they assume it must not be true.

Yes, there are people, many of them in fact, who have never ever used physical force with their kids. Even people who have kids with very challenging behaviors.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:38 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

Your initial post seemed to say that you don’t think this warrants intervention/ the op doing anything drastic because this is ok and no harm was done.

Not at all....not sure why it came over like that. I wrote 'a couple of times', but ok I appreciate your explanation.

I was actually trying to reassure OP that it happens, it's wrong, but it can be worked on and does not mean you're doomed for life and nor is your child.

I was beaten up, scratched, kicked, had my hair pulled and screamed at for my entire childhood by a parent. Yes you read that right. Right up until I got married.

And it was all my fault, after all I was naughty so I deserved it, right? Even my grandparents thought so, so it must be true, right?

When I was arguing with my brother and my parent threw a toy at me because it was the nearest thing to hand, and it hit my brother who needed stitches on his cheek, it was my fault. Because I was fighting, right??

I made a vow that I will never ever hit a child of mine.

I did tho, twice. Many many years ago and took immediate action to make sure that it never ever happened again.

BH it didn't. So it is rather jarring when posters presume from my post that I think it's OK.

amother

Anemone

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:43 pm

To op:

Going to address the root problem here, you already know that twisting her arm was very very wrong.

Clearly, your daughter is having a hard time settling down. She's not trying to be difficult, it is difficult for HER. First step is to understand that and realize why this is happening.

Have you tried calming activities before bed? Like an epsom salt bath, massaging her, reading to her, telling her a story in a dark room...

If you are really desperate, maybe you should consider giving her a very very small amount of melatonin. Not more than 1/4 mg. It can make all the difference for children who have a hard time settling down.
The jury is still out on the downsides of melatonin, but that's much better than the physical alternative, on which the jury has delivered a resounding verdict.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:32 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

This. The attitude of "no harm done", is quite concerning.

OMG!!! You really think it harms my kids??

Didn't realise, thought it's ok, I mean how else should I get them to behave?

Too bad I'm not changing now.

Sarcasm alert btw.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:42 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

I am so sorry you had such a parent. Your breaking the pattern makes you my hero.
Yes, it happens but not everyone is as resilient as you.
Some kids go onto hurting others because that is all they know.
Some kids are hurt so bad, they never recover.
I think its time we take your example and say the buck ends here, no more violence. We will learn how to mechanech our children in a different way.

amother

NeonBlue

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:46 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

Same here, my therapist keeps telling me I'm stopping the pattern by parenting my children so diff than I was raised. The way I view them, speak to them, enjoy them and cherish them as precious treasures from Hashem that need to be treated as such and not ch'v the opposite. It also helps that I care for myself so don't ch'v let out stress on them. How can one be expected to stay calm with children who are demanding and taking advantage when one is stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed and not nurtured themselves?

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 2:13 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

Thanks for your kind supportive words.

It took not only resilience but lots and lots of perseverance.

As soon as I had kids I knew that I'm not gonna be a hitting, angry yelling mom. It helped a lot that us siblings supported and continue to support each other.

I'm proof that it can be done. I was determined that my kids would not have to work as I did to become the healthy adult I am today.

And with therapy I have a good relationship, not close, but a healthy working relationship with both my parents today.

amother

Pink

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 2:14 pm

Im sorry this is terrible! I actually do think op is abusive. I get that a mother can have stressful nights and I can hear a stressed reaction being a smack on the hand when you lose it but twisting a hand is not a normal human reaction, its an abusive one! My guess is that op was possibly abused as a child.
What concerns me here is that op has gotten many responses saying its not ok and not once has she responded with remorse just justifying her behavior by saying she has tried everything and defending herself by portraying her other amazing parenting methods and saying shes not abusive.
I have a child that age and there are so many ideas to make bedtime run smoothly, the image of a mother twisting a toddlers hand makes me sick to my stomach

amother

Jade

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 2:23 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Wow, can I just say that I'm in absolute awe of you? You not only broke the cycle of violence and gave your kids a healthy childhood, you also managed to retain a relationship with your parents! Kol hakovod a million times over, I cannot begin to imagine the tremendous strength and grit it took on your part!

Sara255

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 2:26 pm

Didnt read the whole thread but here is something very helpful I learned to do. If my kids are getting out of bed (they know the right thing to do is stay in bed) I just lock MYSELF in my room and work or relax instead of being annoyed at them. By the time I'm ready to come out they usually fall asleep on their own...

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 2:46 pm

amother Springgreen wrote:

I wouldn't do a reward chart, I would do an immediate reward every morning if she went to sleep nicely the night before.

I hear you but ime the "reward" of putting the pom pom in the jar can be enough for a 3 yr old. Or creating a pretty chart with Mommy and getting to choose from fun stickers every morning could be enough! (Not for a 6 yr old obviously but 3 yr olds are so little!)

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 2:47 pm

Could you try to push off bed time. My daughter is 3 and her school gives her nap time during the day. I gave up putting her to bed at 7 and now put her to sleep at 8:30. I also sit with her and pat her back until she falls asleep. Also, if she says she's hungry I tell her go eat a banana and come back in 3 minutes. Some times she just wants to talk or sing together... I find that when I let go and I'm not so rigid bedtime becomes much easier.
Some kids love the negative attention so if you give it to them it becomes a game for them.
Bed time is hard for most parents, much hatzlocha!!

Shani...

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 2:51 pm

Uh guys?

I think many of us - myself included are from the generation where a slap/pinch was still considered the normal form of education (granted it was usually from frustration not education)

I do not think the child will need therapy, she will forgive and forget a lot sooner than the Mom. Having said all that... I second the constructive criticism from some of you here. Hurting a child is usually coming from frustration and has no constructive purpose long term, it is the same as lashing out or yelling which I can agree we have all done. Many times! and without ruining our kids future.

amother

Begonia

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 3:09 pm

Shani... wrote:

You did not forget. You got the slap and pinch, I got the strap and sometimes the buckle. I did not forget. As for forgiving, did your parents ask forgiveness?
I vote for breaking the cycle.

amother

Linen

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 3:14 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

You did not forget. You got the slap and pinch, I got the strap and sometimes the buckle. I did not forget. As for forgiving, did your parents ask forgiveness?
I vote for breaking the cycle.

That's a totally different situation. Sorry, it doesn't belong in this discussion for OP.

THAT is true abuse.