Gifted son and middos help

mha3484

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 2:22 pm

I am writing under my own name but this is not coming from a place of gaava. I really just need advice from someone who has experienced this before.

My 13 year old son is probably smarter then half the rebbeim in his yeshiva. His menahel made this comment years ago and I kind of rolled my eyes but I think it is true. He has learned a 1/5th of shas already he LOVES learning and hes good at it.

He is really really struggling with how to respect adults like teachers, rebbeim when he is probably smarter then they are. We constantly discuss this and I think he just has to mature but has anyone experienced this before? Did it ever get better? I am worried he is going to get a reputation when mesivta is around the corner. I also want him to have good middos. If you found any way that you could get through to your son how did you? Sorry if this is a ramble but this is just super hard to navigate.

amother

Grape

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 2:27 pm

Do people have to be smarter than him to respect them? Kavod comes from kaveid, taking the person seriously, giving them weight.
What if his grandmother isn’t as smart as him? In fact it seems most people in his life won’t be as smart as him.
Maybe worth a discussion of what makes someone “worthy” of kavod and what that means with different people.
Good luck, sounds like a challenge that many of us won’t have experience with and can’t share real life ideas.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 5:48 pm

I also have a gifted son just a bit older who struggled with this and still does. Definitely age and maturity will help, and I reiterated many times that even if he doesn't feel respect he is still required to show it in his actions.

amother

Whitewash

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 5:50 pm

Not simple, but it is workable.

My first step would be to get him a chevrusah with an illui of a rav in your town, or even on Zoom, who will be a good influence. Once a week hopefully this rav could be convinced to set aside time for your son, if you explain. This rav learns with him and reinforces the idea of a rav having something to teach him and also relates to him- he knows what it's like, and with his ability to look back he knows how important the respect is- for their sake, and ds's.

The idea is that there is a respect for someone for being a lomeid and melamed torah regardless of what they have to teach you. But it really helps someone to have the koach to see and do this if they are actually getting their need to be reeally taught met somewhere.

amother

Whitewash

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 5:54 pm

Another idea- have a rav he respects have a notebook or email chain with him. He collects his questions and writes and sends them. The rav responds when he can. Rinse and repeat.

OP- many highly gifted people have a so ial skills deficit that both causes the types of problems you describe and are a result of them. It can be very helpful for him to be taught how important understanding people is to give accurate piskei halachah. And that rabbanim he has who may be below him in pure academic intelligence may have a higher EQ than her dose, emotional and people knowledge, and he can learn this from watching them and being with them.

amother

Grape

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 6:10 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I think the difference is that in his mind a teacher/rebbe should know more the the talmid vs say respecting a family member or classmate.

A concept I’d try to discuss with my kid in such a situtiaon:
Torah is more than actual knowledge. The respect for a Talmid chachom isn’t solely for the facts and logic he learns and knows.
Torah is supposed to go into a person and change their worldview.
So even if the rebbeim don’t know as much, the toil and years they’ve put into their Torah learning, and the middos they’ve worked on refining, make them choshuv people.

amother

Winterberry

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 6:42 pm

I have this with my son accept his struggle isn’t the rabbeim but friends. He lost all of his friends this past year because of the way the BOTH treat each other. It’s really tough… I have no real recommendation other than I’m with you.

amother

Steelblue

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 9:51 pm

Have him read, or better yet, make this a family read
https://www.amazon.com/Lubavit.....D_BwE
It's a really good read, called the Lubavitcher Rebbe's memoirs,it's basically a write up where the previous Lubavitcher Rebbe (1880-1950) wrote up a compilation of many stories that were passed down to him from his grandmother, stories she heard from tye Elders when she was young.
It gives a glimpse into the world at the time of the beginning of the Chassidic movement, the different viewpoints of different communities at that time etc
A lot of it revolves around the way the learned were respected at that time and how some of them forgot that they shouldn't trample over/shame the others, shows an appreciation to every yid and how to respect different people for their sincerity, kindness, and different Middos. All of this is in a story form, generally following the journey of a young man named Baruch who is observing all of this and looking to grow.
The Previous Rebbe is a master author. These characters, times, and lessons truly come to life. I highly highly recommend this read. It gives such a true and healthy perspective to the different faccents of am Yisroel, how everyone should be treated and the value in true good Middos.

amother

Steelblue

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 9:54 pm

Just something that's good to know in advance is that while it is comprised of short stories and there is a bigger picture it is painting, a picture of the time and life back then, it isn't a storybook. Meaning, sometimes it can go on a tangent about a certain person/place for a few chapters- when it technically isn't relevant to the progression of Baruch's journey and story, but all of the tangents are all part of the bigger picture being painted in this book.