WWYD? Last-minute conflict between family & work

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amother

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 2:44 pm

I'm supposed to be presenting tomorrow at a work meeting with 30 people in attendance. This was arranged a while ago. No chance of rescheduling. I could ask someone else to present instead of me but they will be less familiar with the material and unlikely to answer questions proficiently.

My 16-year-old DD is in an amateurish drama group run by her best friend's older sister who is about 20 years old. They decided on Motsei Shabbos that they are performing the play tomorrow afternoon (2 days warning). Part of the play is pre-recorded and part of it will be live. I will not be able to attend both the play and the meeting.

There will be a video of the play that I can watch later.

When my DD told me that the play will be Monday, I said "But I can't attend!" My daughter is trying to be mature about it but I can see that she's very disappointed. Her sister, grandmother, and cousin will be attending. I explained to her how it's very problematic to schedule an event that mothers are meant to attend with just 2 days warning. Never mind that it's Erev Pesach and not a great time for a show! My DD doesn't feel comfortable saying anything to her friend or the sister about it.

Help! WWYD? Would you skip the meeting and attend the performance?

mummiedearest

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 2:54 pm

Skip it with apologies. I think it would be helpful to the head of the group to hear from you regarding scheduling in advance, though there is always a chance mothers can’t attend even with advance notice.

amother

Mint

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 3:07 pm

Empathize and help her manage her disappointment. It's okay for teens to go through disappointment. It's actually a good life lesson, to see that you can feel for them, appreciate that it's hard for them, and still do what you need to do.

zaq

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 3:10 pm

I would skip the performance. Young people need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and that if they want an audience, they need to plan in advance and give people sufficient lead time. They also need to learn that even with more lead time, sometimes people simply have other commitments. No time like the present to learn this, before they throw a wedding and nobody comes.

amother

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 3:33 pm

Thanks for the responses, I'm still in 2 minds about it.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 4:00 pm

Consider what you are TEACHING.

Teach her that commitments matter.

Do NOT teach her that commitments, where you have given your WORD, can be thrown in the air, because somebody wants something with two days' notice, and, it isn't life and limb at stake.

Of course you would bend, if life, limb, a medical condition, a reputation, or a humiliation, were at stake. But that's not going on here.

Teach her that TOO because that is an important part of the lesson: we are not being rigid meanies here, it is just that this isn't an emergency, and, you gave your word.

She will learn that a disappointment is a different thing from a true emergency.

This is a precious opportunity to communicate proper values.

The painful aspect, the disappointment and even embarrassment involved are communicating that doing the right thing is NOT always pain-free. It can be quite miserable. But we do it anyway.

Even YOUR pain is valuable as it is part of the truth. Of course you would love to indulge. Let her see your misery too.

That too will teach. It will give her an example that being miserable and disappointed are not fatal. They aren't.

And that doing the right thing, with the personal pride in one's self that eventually brings, are what matter.

When you give your word, that's that.

Let her see that.

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 4:04 pm

I’m a big believer for choosing family first and not missing important moments for kids, and I myself had lots of moments missed by my parents growing up that were really hard

That being said, I still vote to go to your meeting. You have a real work commitment, it’s not like taking off a few hours for work that can be made up later

Your DD is at an age where it’s important to learn that in life we have responsibilities and commitments and we need to honor those. We can’t just drop everything at a whim to do whatever we want, and when you give your word and are expected somewhere it’s important to show up. It’ll also be a good lesson for her that if it is really important to her that you be there, she can stick up for herself and ask her friend about rescheduling. This is an impromptu performance with no warning, and it would be totally okay for her to ask to switch to another day to accommodate everyone. But if she is scared of the confrontation, then she either can face that fear or deal with the consequences. Either way the ball is in her court, not yours

amother

Blush

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 4:48 pm

I agree that it's a tough one and as a parent, your emotions are saying you should be going for your dd. But a commitment is a commitment. If they had given more warning about the performance, then maybe it could have been possible to do something about it.
Maybe get your relatives to video the live performance, and watch it with your dd the next day, with popcorn and icecream, where she can comment and get some mommy and me time.
I think if a parent is usually going to go out their way for their child and will usually put their child first, the rare occasion that it doesn't happen, the child will be fine. If the parent misses every performance, and work always comes first, then I can hear it could be detrimental for the child.

octopus

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 4:51 pm

Not okay. Call up the head now and tell her that the last minute scheduling is not right!! You need to let her know. Not your daughter. Even if you can't attend, you should make enough of a stink that a 20 year old will learn not to do this.

octopus

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 4:55 pm

This issue belongs in the self centered teens /young adults thread. I'm assuming you pay for your child to participate in this group? It's very self centered for the head of the group to schedule two days notice smack in the middle of the day. It's only natural that your teen wants you to attend. That is still within the realm of normal. This whole last minute production is not!

amother

Brown

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 5:12 pm

octopus wrote:

I’d say this comes from immaturity of not realizing that the entire world doesn’t run on the same schedule. I agree that it may be necessary and appropriate for you to message the head if your daughters not comfortable doing it. At 20, she should be old enough to have thought it through a bit.

Or if not, it’s a chance to reiterate the importance of commitments.

octopus

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 5:27 pm

Perhaps she can ask the head to bump it to an evening hour at the very least. I know that's a hard time for many moms. But 2:00 in the afternoon is nuts.

amother

Bottlebrush

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 5:32 pm

For sure call the head. Not ok.
Your kids are off from school tomorrow??

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 1:21 am

Thanks for all the advice.

The performance is at 5:30 pm. My meeting is from 4-5 but I commute and won't be home before 6:30 if I leave at 5. (Usually I try to leave work at 3 before the major traffic jams and work a couple hours in the evening to make up the time, but if there's a later meeting I'll stay.)

I agree with those who posted - I should have called the head on Motsei Shabbos and asked her to change it to 6:30 but I didn't think of it at the time and now it's too late.

Yes, I paid for my DD's participation, but only about a 5th of what a normal drama group costs where I live.

In terms of my DD learning a life lesson, my job already impacts my daughter and has taught her some 'life lessons'. She's called upon to babysit often when I return late. She doesn't have her mother around as much as other mothers since I work full time and commute. I don't bake as much as other mothers, I'm tired in the evenings, etc., etc.

I'm leaning toward skipping the meeting and attending her play.

Food

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 3:47 am

Can you request for the meeting to be pushed up an hour? That way you can leave at 4 and be home by 5:30... perhaps explain to the upper management that you would really like to do the presentation yourself but you have somewhere to be at 5:30, and ask if they can change the time to accommodate... obviously not demanding they bend the whole company's schedule around your daughter's production, but just a polite request to see if it's an option to have the cake and eat it too Smile

WhatFor

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 4:11 am

zaq wrote:

I totally agree with this. A 16 year old is not an 8 year old. It should be understood that people can't just drop their whole life because someone decided that they're performing in two days.

With that said, OP, having seen your other post, you make it seem like she suffers a lot for your work. But if that's true, then that's really what needs to be addressed and I could see how this incident could add to that.

The main thing you mentioned is babysitting. Are you compensating her for her babysitting? Otherwise that's really not fair. She didn't sign up to have kids, she shouldn't be responsible for them when you need to work late. If you're going to keep doing this, please compensate/ reward her generously for this.

The rest of what you wrote sounds more like mom guilt than something you're necessarily doing wrong. You can't bake? No kid ever needed therapy because her mother didn't bake, if all else was normal. You can't be around as often as (some) other moms? I totally get why you feel bad about that, but it's not something you have a choice about, unless you're working extra for fun or frivolous things (which you do not sound like at all given this guilt). Some people are born into money, so their mothers can stay at home and be there for them all day, some aren't. She wasn't. That's the life God chose for her. Not all kids get everything in life. Some get siblings, some don't. Some get tons of attention and respect, some don't. Some get two parents, some don't. Some get married parents, some don't. Everyone can look at the other and see something they don't have. Just because you don't bake and can't spend as much time with her as you wish you could, doesn't mean she's actually being deprived.

Is there any slot of time on Sunday that you can generally take her out, even if only for an hour and a half? Spending quality time once a week might mean way more than simply feeling bad about her life and dropping work to show up to a last-second production.

amother

Wine

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 4:20 am

Idk I have a different perspective, maybe because I have a dd that's not a typical entitled teen. She struggles with low self esteem and not feeling loved and good about herself, and struggles socially as well. I think for a kid like her it would be imperative for me to show up no matter what.
Op whats your daughter like? And your relationship with her?

amother

Tue, Apr 09 2024, 1:41 am

Definitely Mom guilt going on LOL.

Yes, I need to work for financial reasons. I work full-time and I feel like only a third of the women in my community work full-time so there's that feeling that I spend less time with my children than other mothers.

My daughter has pretty good self-esteem so I don't think she would have been devastated if I hadn't attended but I think she would have heard the message: your work is more important than me.

I ended up skipping the meeting and attending the play.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Apr 09 2024, 8:24 am

Wow!

amother

Feverfew

Tue, Apr 09 2024, 11:30 am

amother Wine wrote:

This
Find out if the meeting can be moved to 12 or another date.
We need to show our kids they come first

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