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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Guests
amother
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 Wed, Jan 21 2009, 11:23 am
I've been trying to invite a couple who moved into our community about two months ago. They live quite close enough, recently married with no young children. I've extended invitation for Friday dinner or Shabbat lunch at least four or five times, but they never accepted for one reason or another. Usually it's either they have some guests or "oh, I'm not sure we may have to be out of town this week", or "XX (the husband) had such busy week we'd rather just chill out quietly".
First I thought they weren't comfortable with our kashrus level, so I mentioned "by the way, I'm also expecting so-and-so (whom everyone knows is quite makpid)". Should I just give up? It's a shame as our community is not that big so I have limited pool of potential guests, they are in the same group and seem to have similar backgorund to us. Are they saying "don't invite us, we don't want to be ur guests" for whatever reasons and I'm just being clueless?
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DefyGravity
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 11:27 am
My husband would tell you to give up and stop inviting them. I would say that their excuses could very possibly be legitimate and you should try again.
(DH and I have had extensive discussions about this b/c it's happened to us before).
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yo'ma
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 11:29 am
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Just tell them that you would love to have them over, so you always have an open invitation and please tell you when they can come.
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Fabulous
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 11:33 am
| yo'ma wrote: | | Just tell them that you would love to have them over, so you always have an open invitation and please tell you when they can come. |
Ditto.
And I would call again to personally invite just not now. Wait four or five months and try once more.
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DefyGravity
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 11:33 am
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Open invitations are nice in theory, but who would actually take someone up on it? Most people won't call someone up and invite themselves over. It's not like people actually keep in mind that someone said at some point, "Let us know when you can come over! We'd love to have you!" It's not practical, and you can bet you won't get any guests from flaky invitations like this.
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YALT
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 11:42 am
I had a cousin that it happened to. I kept inviting this cousin, and each week there was another excuse. After 4/5 attempts, I decided not to call them anyymore.
About 3 months later, I called her again, and sure enough they came. And we all had a great time! A few weeks later, she called to invite themselves over for the meal.
So I would suggest you ask them to please call you when it is a good time, and then don't call them for a number of weeks. Then give them another chance.
It's very rare that someone who's never yet eaten by you will actually call you up to invite themselves. So don't expect them to really call you.
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Fox
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 11:48 am
I've had similar situations many, many times, and here's what usually happens: a new couple moves to the neighborhood, joins the shul, moves to the yeshiva, etc. Especially if they don't have children yet, they're in tremendous demand as guests, and even more so if they happen to be particularly fun or appealing.
Occasionally -- though certainly not always -- the couple may become a little arrogant about their newfound popularity, and may not handle the social niceties with as much tact or sensitivity as is really needed. This is usually not the result of bad inherent bad middos, but happens when a couple suddenly receives lots of attention and invitations and isn't sure how to handle this "celebrity" status.
The next step in the process, though, is that the couple becomes "old news" in the community. The invitations still come, but not quite so frequently. People begin to expect or at least hope for some type of reciprocation. The role of dazzling newcomer wears off a bit, and everyone expects them to pitch in and carry their share of communal activity.
If the couple has a child, this process accelerates even faster. Whether or not there's an eruv, it's just more difficult to be a guest with a baby in tow, let alone a toddler and a baby. And hosting a family with small children isn't always easy, either. Some hosts can't accommodate families with small children, and their invitations cease immediately; other invitations will drop off slowly but surely as the task of hosting the couple expands to include entertaining a toddler or providing a room for nursing, etc.
So here's my strategy: in this situation, I generally don't invite the couple for a period of at least 4-6 months. I might mention to them that we'd love to have them, they should feel free to call, blah, blah, blah, but I don't actively pursue them -- especially if they've turned down two specific invitations.
After 4-6 months, I reissue an invitation. Often I find that they have a much different attitude toward the invitation and will work hard to find a way to accept it or suggest an alternative date. Inviting someone who is new to your area or community is a little like trying to become the best friend of the most popular girl in class -- you have lots of competition. Lay low, be welcoming and kind, but don't join the pile-on of would-be hostesses. There's plenty of time to get to know them when the rush is over!
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Clarissa
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 11:55 am
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I confess I've been on the other side of this. I just don't feel like socializing all that often, and find it easier to chill at home. I sometimes want to hang out with people or have them here, but it's theoretical, and when it comes to reality, I don't follow through. If I were you, I'd back off. You've made your friendliness and hospitality clear, it's up to them to make the next move.
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chocolate moose
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 12:20 pm
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I would give up after a few invites. That couple obviously knows you're wlling to host and for whatever reason doesn't want or need it. If they don't take the initiative, then I think they're on their own.
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cassandra
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 12:24 pm
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I would call, and say "I really want to have you over, let's get out a calendar so we can find a mutually convenient date." If she hems and haws you know it's that she doesn't want to come to you, or you'll end up having her!
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greenfire
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 12:27 pm
I used to like to go out a lot ... but then I became a hermit - maybe it's cause nobody invites me ... and I'm simply not a night person ... at night I light a fire and relax ... to be honest I prefer it ...
you are probably burning them out by asking over & over again ... give them sometime to settle into the hood - then ask them again in a few months ...
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Clarissa
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 12:28 pm
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Not so fast, Cassandra. Some people just naturally hem and haw when discussing possible social plans. I have a friend who constantly complains about this -- he thinks I don't care about seeing him. We hemmers and hawers are often misunderstood by society.
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cassandra
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 12:37 pm
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I understand you. But for me, the point when I would give up is when I offered the person to make the plans on her own terms and she still couldn't commit. Unless it was you, because I knew that about you. But I think you have to be friends with a person to know that about them, and it might be difficult to befriend a person who hems and haws.
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Clarissa
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 12:41 pm
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True. And, as I said above, I do sometimes annoy those who know and love me.
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freidasima
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 12:41 pm
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And sometimes people just like being in their own home, especially when they are a young couple and are being pressured to spend every second or third shabbos out of it. Maybe shabbos is the time that they can reconnect if they work or learn all week, maybe if it is a "good" shabbos it is the time that they can reconnect in more ways than one...so don't take it to heart, give them a few months after you reiterate the invitation and then leave it open...and get back to them a few months later and try again.
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gryp
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 12:54 pm
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Some people just like to stay home. No offense to the inviters but it's just what we prefer. The only Shabbos I ate out since I got married was my Shabbos Sheva Brochos. Except YT at my mil. I much prefer to be the hostess than the guest.
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louche
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 1:20 pm
Yes, OP, I think you're being clueless. It doesn't mean they don't like you or don't want to be friends with you, but it does mean they don't want to come over for whatever reason. I usually try three times and then give up, especially if I get the "oh we don't know what we're doing" business. This applies across the board to young couples, singles, kids' classmates, whatever. Very rarely I'll give a 4th shot, but that's it. I may be slow, but I can get the message. They're not interested for whatever reason, no sense hounding them.
You can try again in half a year or so, but if you get the same story, I'd write them off, at least as Shabbos guests.
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cassandra
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 1:28 pm
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Someone once invited me three times, and I really couldn't accept for various reasons. She stopped asking, which I understand, but there was no message behind. We really couldn't come at the times she invited me. And if it's a neighbor or something who you will be seeing all the time I don't think you give up so fast.
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amother
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Wed, Jan 21 2009, 1:40 pm
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I Guess I'm on the other side also. Someone keeps inviting me for shabbos but it's really hard I work every day and my hubby is in yeshiva full time and I hardly get to spend time with my hubby so shabbos is our day we get to spend time together. I would tell you to stop inviting them for a while and try again in a few months.
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zaq
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Thu, Jan 22 2009, 10:28 am
| cassandra wrote: | | Someone once invited me three times, and I really couldn't accept for various reasons. She stopped asking, which I understand, but there was no message behind. We really couldn't come at the times she invited me. And if it's a neighbor or something who you will be seeing all the time I don't think you give up so fast. |
I think you have to evaluate the negative responses. If you conclude that it's just your bad luck that the three times you invited it was his future bil's aufruf then her brother's bar mitzvah and then their shul's annual dinner at which they were the guests of honor, that seems valid enough and you might want to continue. But if it's always "gee, we haven't finalized our weekend plans, let me get back to you" and they never do, then three tries would be enough for me.
Also, when you invite, are you accepting no as no, and goodbye? Or are you offering an alternative? Busy this Shabbos? OK, then what about next week? Busy then, too? How about the week after that? It's not a crime to make Shabbos plans three weeks in advance.
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