Transition between Work Brain and Mom Brain

mimivan

Sun, May 03 2009, 11:41 pm

My work brain is very different from my Mommy brain.
With work, everything (ideally) should be done on time, in an acceptable way, if not, there could be problems.
I have to be alert for every mistake problem...It is like I get kind of microscopic in my focus while working

Then the kids come home, noisy, messy, talking at me, not always making sense, wanting this and that...
That is how it plays to my work brain...and I feel like a failure if I am trying to parent with a work brain, because it is a perfectionist brain that doesn't work well for being a mommy.

If I have time to relax, I can appreciate what creative, beautiful neshamot they are b'h...but I need to transition from work brain to mommy brain.

If I try to parent while still in work mode, it just hurts! The noise the mess the weird behavior!

I am very happy being a WAHM...but this is the biggest problem..how do you transition between work mentality and mom mentality? Or do you see a connection between the two? Can you work and be a mom at the same time (I.e. if the kids are at home and you have to finish an assignment)

Do you make some time, a few minutes, to adjust to mommy brain.?

I'd compare it to adjusting the pupils to different intensities of light and darkness...if someone is sitting in the dark for an hour and someone suddenly turns the light on, it is a bit of a shock.

So if you Work at home, without a commute to help you make the transition..how do you make the transition...or do you feel you need to?

Ima'la

Mon, May 04 2009, 2:11 am

Quote:

Totally understand what you mean about the brains, mimi, but I don't even bother trying to work when the kids are around, so I guess I can't help much...

even when the kids are not around, though, and when it is time to be mommy (I.e. when they come home from gan or school) I wish there were some kind of secular kind of havdala ceremony I move from one mindset to the other...

Mrs.K

Mon, May 04 2009, 2:21 am

I wish I didn't have to work with the kids around but it's a full 8 hour job, American hours, so I don't have much of a choice there. It is also extremely strict, if I leave the computer for over a minute, I must punch out (even though I'm paid by the month, not by the hour.) I have 4 days off a year. I work erev YT, Motzai YT, purim, chol hamoed, let's just say this job is no cup of tea.

Anyway, I try to strike a healthy balance. I don't have to be the same person at work as I am at home, and that's a good thing. For example I am an absolute perfectionist at my job. If one thing is off by a tiny bit, weeks are wasted on an insurance application, etc. etc., it's a big deal. On the other hand, I am NOT a perfectionist at home. If I freaked out about every toddler wandering around the house with cheerios, yes, maybe my home would look perfect but the kids would be unhappy and it would obviously be a much more hostile environment.

The job can be very high-pressure, and I DO notice that when there's a particularly huge crisis at work, I will be shorter and snappier with the kids and sometimes I have to just say,"STOP DEALING WITH THIS ISSUE. Do something else until after bedtime, then go back." Because I know that once I'm trying to handle a big problem the kids will be yelled at, every toy on the floor will annoy me, and suppertime will be a disaster for everyone. It's just not worth it. Sometimes, that's what has to be done. I know it's hard to do that because things need to be dealt with NOW and who knows if I'll have the energy later, but for everyone to feel calm...sometimes you have to rearrange things.

Mrs.K

Mon, May 04 2009, 2:51 am

I was referring to the work issue. When there's a crisis at work, and I know that if I handle it at this second everyone will be snapped at for the next 20 minutes, I try my hardest to leave it on the side and do something else at work until after the kids are asleep. I know to foresee certain issues like, "Comapny XYZ always gives me such problems...I will not call them until after 8." etc.

Of course it depends on the nature of your job. Obviously, some jobs have less lee-way and you can't just 'handle this later'. Some jobs have medium lee-way, like mine, where I can't leave the computer but I can certainly switch tasks for an hour. Then again, some jobs have much more lee-way and when you're about to burst you can go take a quick shower, a quick walk, a quick nap. I guess you just have to handle crazy situations within the parameters of your position...for some that's more restrictive, and for some that's less restrictive.

amother

Mon, May 04 2009, 3:09 am

Mrs.K wrote:

How do you cope with this? How do you stop yourself from feeling so drained after all that work?

mimivan

Mon, May 04 2009, 3:14 am

good advice Mrs.K.
I'm also talking about just walking around with that work brain...
and then turning to me kids and seeing everything(kids mess, kids teeth brushed, food eaten) that needs to be fixed and PRONTO! (that's the pressured editor talking...not the Ima)...do you know what I mean...?
I guess being aware might be sufficient...just tell myself..you are thinking like an editor....leave the work brain behind and be an Ima...

Mrs.K

Mon, May 04 2009, 4:34 am

How do you cope with this? How do you stop yourself from feeling so drained after all that work?[/quote]

There are many factors that come into play here, many variables, but to touch on the main one (for me):

A draining schedule is still less draining the struggling financially. And I'm not, by any means, talking about being wealthy here, I'm simply talking about covering my expenses comfortably at the end of the month, or not having to count pennies if the kids need new shoes. It's a trade off, and everyone has to decide what works for them.

Many people would rather struggle financially and be able to be a SAHM and that's great. Everyone needs to do what will make them happy.

(Something else to note, some people look back on a busy day of shopping, meeting friends, and manicures and they feel happy and fulfilled. Others look back on a day of pressure, deadlines, and a job well done and that's what makes them feel content. Again, to each their own.)

shosh

Mon, May 04 2009, 5:59 am

I don't know whether my mindset differs so much between work and kids. My kids have grown up knowing that Mummy works on the computer. When they were all babies, they would play at my feet on a playmat while I worked. That was when I started playing music all the time, so they wouldn't be bored. (Now I can't work without it!) They often napped in the mornings, giving me a clear field, and would wake up to play with whoever came home in the afternoon. I didn't force them into that schedule. It just happened that way, bc I was probably less "interesting" while I worked.

These days, I get more frustrated than I used to around bedtimes bc I try to explain to the kids that if they stay up later, I work later, and then hardly get enough sleep at night. Some understand more, some less ...

I try not to work between 2 and 8, but that doesn't always happen bc calls do occur, or urgent things that have to be typed now, etc. But I think it's healthier that way for the kids. During those hours, we eat lunch, I do homework with them and catch up on the housework. I also log in here when the kids are playing - for a bit of leisure for myself.

The messy house definitely bothers me more than it used to. Firstly, I'm lucky that someone gives me cleaning help, which really takes the burden off. Secondly, I also tend to turn off a bit from it and not beat myself up about it. I do try hard to keep up with the cleaning, but yes, if it makes me irritable with the kids then I take a step back. Same with the work. That's another reason why I try to keep off it when the kids are back from school. It's impossible to concentrate when they are all around me, and they also need my attention. So I obviously put the work to one side if I can. The holidays are more of a problem, and the kids drive me nuts in the summer. But even then, they usually go off and play for a few hours, giving me some computer time, even if it's less and things get a bit more fraught. It's just something I accept, and I try hard not to get too frustrated about it.

(Anyway, bc I have to really be working now, I'll get off here ...)