Can you help me with discipline?

amother

Sat, Jul 02 2011, 10:52 pm

My oldest son is almost 4, and he has just started this stage of davka doing things that he knows he shouldn't, often right as I am telling him not to. He is obviously testing his limits, watching to see how we will react. He does it to dh and to his babysitter too...I try really hard to be calm and firm, but it's tough. Unfortunately after he has done this over and over and over in just a few minutes, especially when I am dealing with my two other kids at the same time, I (and dh and the babysitter too) find ourselves getting tense and punishing him in one way or another which works but is not the way I want to go. Please, any tips, ideas for books that will help, anything!

Thanks!

newmomma

Sun, Jul 03 2011, 8:31 pm

dear OP, I know its kinda long, but I hope you read thru...
the way I see it is you need to pinpoint an action or behavior that you want stopped. of course there maybe many things, but you need to start with one thing...for example if he dumps his food, jumps on the couch, and hits you need to start with one that needs to stop.

I've read about this time out approach. I’m personally not a fan of time out, but sometimes there are behaviors that need to stop immediately and this is clear and precise and can help manage inappropriate behaviors.

what you do is tell him what the rule is, but not at a moment he is doing it, for example in the morning "you may not hit." make it clear and consise.

if he does...anytime after that. get down to eye level, look him in the eye and say "if you hit again I will put you in time out, do you inderstand?"

if he hits again, take him to time out, you may have to carry him. and set a timer for 4 min....bec he is 4 years old.

if he gets up, without a word, take him back, reset the timer. this may take more than one time to have him sit it out.

once the timer rings, go over to him..eye level again and say: "I put you in time out because you hit. say your sorry for not listening...(you can modify this if you like) now give me a hug" give the hug, get up and continue on as if it didnt happen. do not harp on the behavior or the punishment.

Make sure you go over with the babysitter what behavior you are working on as well as the time out method, so she knows what to do and can be consistant with you.
Another thing to keep in mind, which I know is hard when you have a young family, and responsibilities that go along with that, is to spend time with this child. It should not be a reward when he has alone time with you or your DH. Have games you play together, be it board games or outside sport games. Even just going outside with your child and drawing with chalk..you can trace his body and have him color it in, or make a hopscotch board…will only cost you a few dollars. Its so worth it
Also I highly recommend a book called “the blessing of a skinned knee” it has great hashkafa on raising children. Not necessarily hands on suggestions, but more ideas on what we as parents are trying to accomplish while raising our precious children.

please keep us updated with your progress